A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have read a few of the answers to other questions on cheating, but I feel that mine is a bit of a different situation than those. About 5 years ago, I was best friends with this girl, I'll call her Pam. Well Pam started dating a good friend of mine, who I'll call Hector. The friendship between me and Pam grew and we became lovers. It felt so good to be with her, we were like soulmates. To this day, Hector still does not know what we did behind his back. I went away for a few months with the military and when I came back, Hector and Pam were engaged. We did make love one last time before she married him. Then out of nowhere, she stopped talking to me. I wasn't even invited to their wedding. I think Hector knew that there was something more between us than just friendship, and he convinced her to stop talking to me. Then they moved far away. Hector became an evangelist for a church.I received an email from Pam a little over a month ago. We were both happy to be talking again. We both promised the other to always keep in touch no matter what happens. As we exchanged messages, memories were revived, and she tells me that she wishes she had married me instead of Hector, which was what I wanted years ago! My girlfriend of 2-3 years broke up with me about two weeks ago. And now, Pam is coming in town for 9 days and she wants to cheat on her husband with me! She tells me that she wants to be with me and that she would have no problem leaving Hector if he were a bad man, but he's not. He's a good man. I really love her, and always have loved her from the beginning. She tells me she feels the same way. She said that she wants to keep everything we do a secret, and that things will work themselves out. I really want to be with her forever. What should I do?
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best friend, broke up, engaged, military, soulmate, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 March 2010):
I'm with Rhythm. Her advice is great. Why have a second rate friend like this. You know where it will lead, and you'll end up hurt. Get a new best friend who doesn't treat people like crap.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Why do you need a friend like that? Be honest, you are attracted to her sexually and she is seductive...how is that going to work by just being friends? Buzzer going off---it won't.
Find a new best friend....how can she get that status after what she did to you and her husband (then her boyfriend) You must be the most boundary free guy on the planet...that isn't good for you. Decide what it is you deserve and want in a relationship and then set those boundaries with the women you let into your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for answering! You know I always thought she was like that but I thought she had changed. She really was my best friend though. Do you think it would hurt if I told her that I think we should just be friends again, but this time, cut out anything sexual? Thanks again for helping me!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Your situation is not any different than any other cheating heart affair.
It is all about the secrets and the lies and triangulating a real relationship to avoid intimacy.
Pam is a jerk. What is to love about a woman who has no class, no morals, no ethics, is dishonest and uses her sexuality to control men?
She is feeding you a line of crap to massage your male ego. All she wants is your dick my friend and the feeling she gets by being able to control men and make them jump.
She is a narcissist and people mean nothing more to her than narcissistic supply. As long as she is getting her needs met, she doesn't really care which guy she is using at the time.
Hector was being used and so where you. My suggestion is for you to stop romanticizing this childish behavior and tell Pam you can't see or talk to her or communicate with her anymore. Do you really want to be blamed for breaking up their marriage? Because Pam will put that on you if she and Hector break up. That's what narcissists do, blame others for everything. Gosh, it was your fault you didn't marry her first, you went off to the milatary, what a cad, being a responsible adult...
Sorry your girlfriend left you, but maybe she senses that you aren't the marrying faithful type. If you were, you would never consider cheating with Pam behind Hector's back period.
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