A
female
age
41-50,
*aribbeanSomebody
writes:HI. My problem has nothing to do with romantic relationships. I'm going to this church for two years and four months. I've been going alone because I'm single and I'm the only christian in my family. At first I stayed away from church people for the first months so I could heal my emotions and my relationship wiht God, which I had abandoned for a year and a half. I started to feel lonely at church and started talking to people. I was happy to hear a young woman was from my town because I have to drive 40 minutes to get to my church and in my country that's not usual because we have churches all over. I was so happy I have finally met a potential friend but an older lady interrupted our conversation. That lady said she lived 10 minutes away (in car) from church and she needed a lift and she wanted my phone and address (Don't know whay she asked for it but being a hypocrit gave it to her, but I was angry because I tought that was disrespectful of her) She didn't even know me. This is the kind of woman who goes to church and because she lives alone and in poverty she thinks everyone has to provide everything for her. She has two adult married daughters but they don't help at all. One of them lives far away and doesn't keep communication with her because the last time the lady went there got her into trouble with her husband bacause she said something inapropriate. The lady likes to talk about how much she suffers and the things that she needs. People in church have given her money and have given her things and give her lifts from her house to church and viceversa. In my country everyone who doesn't work has the right to receive benefits from he government and no one dies of hunger so her case is sad but she is not going to die. She is HIV positive and even though I believe her I think she uses that so people would take pity on her. Once I was talking to a leader in church about this lady and the leader apparently thought I was going to ask for money for the lady and said: "I think that lady should get a job". So that means the lady has asked a lot of people for money before and/or complained a lot about money so people would feel sorry for her. I felt the church leader was gently and lovingly fed up with the lady. The lady told me she has even received airplane tickets for vacations to go and see her daughter in the USA from people of the church. Each time an event of the church comes someone pays it for her. I think people give her a little money monthly and that's how she lives, in addition to the money she receives from the government. I used to give her lifts to her house but then she uses that to talk a little more about her stuff and sometimes I need to talk and she doesn't let me. I'm unemployed and there were times when I asked to give her a lift home after a service and she said no and went with another person. Or got out of my car to get to another car. The reason? Those persons had money and she knew I didn't. Once I was talking to her about my dream of going to this far away church and she said she too wanted to go and said she was going to start selling pastries and stuff ans she did before to save money to buy the airplane ticket. She said she used to make 200 and 300 dollars. I wonder Why doesn't she do that on a daily basis to support herself? The lady is very manipulative and if she sees me chewing gum she asks me for chewing gum, if she sees a bottle of hand crean in my car she asks me for hand cream, if I talk about the computer she asks me to print whatever she wants and to bring it to her. I'm sick and tired of doing her favors. I've been unemployed for years and I don't want anybody in church using me anymore. Even if I had money it's annoying to have someone using you. This woman said something inappropriate to me a few months ago that opened my eyes and made me realize she is no blessign to my life, eventhough a lot of people love her in church. I have laughed with this lady and we have talked about GOd and have had good conversations when I have taken her to her house but I really dislike her pesonality. Also she likes to draw attention to her a lot and people in church all know she is a little crazy. I've seen eyes roll and smiles behind her back a lot. The pastor is sending emails to everyone in church and I'm sure she'll expect me to print them all to her and she doesn't realize that's annoying. At one time I told her personal things about me because I felt alone in church and I needed to talk to someone since my family doesn't care about me and that might have make her think we have a personal relationship but I dont' want to. She said something that offended me in November and I had three glorious months without her presence and without her talking to me but then she started talking to me again last month and asked for me to print her something and I did just to keep the peace and because she said God had told her something a long time ago about something in another continent and she needed 2 church addresses in that continent so I helped her with that. I was completely sure that after that she was going to ask me for a lft to her house and I had promised myself I would never do it again to avoid her craziness and destroy the trust she has in me and she did. She asked me for a lift when I was talking to some friends and I told NO right away. I almost had to give her explanations for it because she said she is very sensitive. It's MY CAR. I'm single because I NEED the freedom 24/7. Who does she think she is to obligate me to fulfill her wishes?I'm tired of her manipulation. Her constant needs annoy me. She is imprudent. I want her to respect me. At least she doesn't ask me for lifts anymore. God knows I dont' mean no harm to her or hate I just want her to leave me alone. I know a Christian must help others but I feel this is abusive. What do you thinK? WHAT SHOULD i TELL HER WHEN SHE ASKS ME FOR PRINT-OUTS OF THE EMAILS? The ink is costly and I have given her enough things already. I cannot live like this. Thank goodness I changed my cell phone number but she still has my address and She sent my a card on Christmas to manipulate me and make me feel guilty because we have not talked since early November, but I didn't even mention it to her because I want her to think I didn't receive it or something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): I particularly hate being taken advantage of and would just say 'no' if you are asked anything again. Sadly I would have to justify myself so I wouldn't come across as rude but I would say that I am out of ink, it is too expensive, I am going the other way if she wants a lift, loads of different things. I would also keep away from her in church and not tell her any personal information ever again. She is a user and the fact that she swopped lifts to someone who she could probably cadge money off is not nice. I would never have had her in my car again for that. I would explain to her if asked why these things have stopped that you too are unemployed and have no money coming in other than what your parents give you and you are unable to pay for anything other than the bare necessities at the moment. I really would keep away from her as she is causing you too much emotional grief and upset. I don't know if these actions would be considered unchristian as you have more than done your bit, I don't know how much you are expected to do or if God constantly pushes you harder with these kind of things to make you a better person. I think you have been a good person but could do with a break!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Well, she certainly sounds like a character. I am not sure what you are really wanting here, validation from people who don't know either of you that yes this woman is a hopeless case and you should get completely away from her?That is for you to decide. I just can't help reading your description of her it sounds like you are judging her on the basis of what other people seem to think of her, like her daughter, or the rolling the eyes folks in church. You aren't really saying how she is taking advantage of you.I don't think asking for gum and hand lotion when you see someone doing the same as being "used" some people do that as a way to bond with another person, by being like them and doing like them...anyway I just don't see what you are getting all bent out of shape over.You don't have money, I get that, and you resent her asking you for help.But haven't you been helped for the last three years by your parents? How would that have worked out for you if they had resented your neediness or inability to be employed. You even judged this woman on not starting up her own baking business just because she had baked before and made some money at it. Going into business on a full time basis is not as simple as making some cakes and selling them!You keep comparing yourself to this woman if terms of what you have what she has what she gets out of people who have been generous with her. Don't you think you see some of her traits in yourself? Anyone who has been underemployed for three years even in a bad economy and has been supported by parents is one very lucky, and two pretty good at taking advantage of people too...at least some of the time.There is no crime in being poor. This woman's life situation and how she manages it does not make her a manipulative bad person. I don't know what you mean about her interfering and asking you personal information. To me that sounds like she is wanting to be your friend. If you haven't been a friend to her, then you aren't going to have one.You have the right to refuse her help and to refuse to be her friend. For what ever reason, that is entirely up to you.How do you break free? You can do that one of two ways. You can set yourself free in your own mind and choose to help her when you can and not feel guilty about it when you don't and punish her by thinking badly of her everytime you see her.Or you can set yourself free physically and find another church or refuse to sit with her and talk with her...what ever works for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): O.K. You can't handle dealing with her. So, don't do her any more favors. She asks for print outs. Tell her you can't make them any more. She wants a ride. Tell her you can't give her a ride. You don't need to give her a reason. You already have the reason in one sentence. You can't do it (any more). It's okay. It will be sorted out. Life works like that and few people are left to suffer without help from others. Maybe in her life, he mode is to milk what she can from people until they get absolutely sick of her. So now, that's happened between you and her and you can't deal with her any more. Don't worry. She will find someone else to take your place soon enough. Everything in its right place. Say that to yourself. You aren't the only person she depends on, so stop thinking and acting like you are the only person. You're not.
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A
female
reader, CaribbeanSomebody +, writes (7 March 2010):
CaribbeanSomebody is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Rhythm. Let me clarify the lady doesn't look for me or care about me until she needs something. This is not a friendship. The lady doesn't call me and she doesn't write me she did it only once when she felt uneasy with me because of what she had done. She wasn't even coming to church because she felt so ashamed (I guess). I'm not avoiding her, I have discernment and I know she is taking advantage of me. I trully felt disrespect from this woman when I met her and I didn't like her only because of that. She did weird things before I met her in church and didn't think anything of it. I didn't dislike her before. I couldn't judge her. But the interfering (which is constant) and asking for my personal info. is a form of control of manipulative people.
If you notice I wrote I used to offer her lifts too because at one point I really enjoyed her company and laughed a lot with her. Our church is very big and has 500members who know her. She has to pick the unemployed one who's being supported by her parents in her thirties to cosntantly ask for favors. I really doubt you'd like it if it happened to you.
I've been unemployed or underemployed for 3 years depending on my parents. Multiple times having $00.000 on my bank account and $00.00 on my wallet. When I was underemployed every cent went to credit card bills after tithing and $1 in offerings to chruch. I have to wait until Christmas to get some new clothes and the money I was given in my birthday went all to paying bills and I dont' contribute a cent to my parents. That's a worst case scenario than hers. AND I LIVE 40 MInutes away from church. She lives 10 minutes away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): I dunno, I think your attitude is unChristian, but then that is only my opinion. We teach people how to treat us. If you don't want to print stuff for her, simply tell her no. But seriously, the black ink is not that costly.
It seems like she really does have a need and she is alone, and the fact that you live close and can give her a ride to the church and back is helpful. Ask her to give you a couple of dollars for the gas..explain that you are unemployed and you don't mind helping her, but hope that she can contribute something to this arrangement.
It is best not to pretend to be tolerant of someone that ou don't like, but I am sensing that you are feeling dislike for her because you see in her things you do not like in yourself or are not happy with...that is pretty common. The solution for that is to start to show some gratitude for what you do have in life instead of concentrating on what others do or don't have to offer you.
I am not suggesting that you let her take advantage of you, but I don't see anything here that is so agregious that warrants your disdain for this woman where sympathy might be more appropriate.
I will leave you with this story....maybe it applies to you, maybe not.
There is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of the one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.
Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow. As you stand and watch these two horses, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.
When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way.
Good friends are like that...you may not always see them, but you know they are always there.
Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them, but sometimes it's enough to know they're just standing by.
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