A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. It all started with “what would you do if..” questions. A few questions in, it was my turn:Me: “What’s the first thing you’d do if we broke up?”Her: “Hmm.. More girl’s nights! What’s the first thing you’d do if we broke up?”Me: “I don’t know. Go get laid maybe?”Her: “Yeah.. I think maybe you should sleep with someone else before we get married.”Some background: I am 21 and my gf is 20. I met her on her 12th bday, and we have been dating the last five years. We were always.. experimental with each other if you will as teenagers, and she is the only person I have done anything sexually with. She has had other partners in the past. About a year ago, she cheated on me. This may seem like a lot of info but it all ties in. We were long-distance for most of our relationship. We’ve taken a few breaks, none longer than a couple of weeks.She (and I, admittedly) is worried that I, having only ever been with her, will regret that when we are married. She says that she thinks it will be healthy for the relationship and that it is something she has thought about for a very long time. She tells me she has gone over every situation in her head, and that she is sure that she is 100% fine with it. The conversation has come up before, but I just laughed it off. We actually talked about it in length this time and she seems very serious about it.She says that since the cheating episode I’ve seemed like I love her less; like she’s not worth as much in my eyes. After she cheated we broke up for about a month, I smothered myself with work, and we ended up slowly getting back together (with much begging, etc. on her end.) I honestly wish I had just gone out and gotten laid a few times after the incident happened; I am not a bad looking guy, athletic build, not socially awkward, etc. But I didn’t.Wasn’t sure how I’d even bring this back up if I decided to seize the opportunity, so after discussing it for a while I inquired:Me: “So what, I’m just supposed to think on it and come back in a month and let you know? I can’t just tell the woman I love ‘Ok, ok; yes I want to fuck someone else to fix a problem that MIGHT pop up in the future’. That would make me look like a scumbag.”Her: “I am giving you PERMISSION. Just tell me you ‘want to take that break we were talking about’. Lord knows we’ve taken breaks before because I was unsure about things. We’d just tell our families we got into a fight, and thought it was best to take a breather for a couple of weeks to give each other space. I’m not going to move out, I’ll just go to school as I do and pick up more shifts at work, etc. Just don’t bring any girls back here, I don’t want to see it, of course.”Me: “Would you be hooking up with someone else during this ‘break’?”Her: “No. This isn’t for me; I know what it’s like to be with someone else.”Me: “I don’t know.. Honestly I’m not sure whether to take this seriously or not; it seems odd you’d be serious about letting me do this. What’s the catch here, I mean I’m almost expecting a ‘You would go through with that?? I was just testing you!’ or something to that effect.”Her: “What do you think, I’m an evil bitch? I am completely serious about this. I’ve thought about it for a long time. If I could look into the future and tell you we tried it, it worked out fine, no hard feeling anywhere, would you do it?”Me: “Well, yeah, probably. But you can’t look into the future. I would hate for this to happen and it fuck things up between us. Are you REALLY thinking about what this entails?”Her: “I’ve gone through it in my head a million times. It isn’t going to mess things up between us. Plus, you just admitted you’d do it; that’s the same as doing it in my opinion. And it doesn’t change anything; I came to you with this, not the other way around.”I’ll admit that I have thought about the potential regret later in life. We started off very young, and she is all I’ve ever had, really. I love her very much and it would suck to lose her because I decided to do this, but on the other hand I’d be turning something like this down. I don’t know where to go from here with this. I could use your advice.
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at work, broke up, cheated on me Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 Scythe, just for the benefit of people who may not understand our down under slang, "root a bird" means have sex with a girl :-)
A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Well... what difference is marriage going to make? Why not ask her to keep this offer open and the go root a bird if you do experience regret later on down the track. With her permission of course.
Wear protection = no babies and no diseases.
There you go :)
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 'I smell an attempt to relieve guilt here. I think she feels that it will balance out her cheating if she lets you get some on the side too. 'YEP. I agree with that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): If you are going to marry her, get some serious counseling beforehand for both of you "couples counseling".
"About a year ago, she cheated on me. This may seem like a lot of info but it all ties in."
Yeah, it all ties in, and she's probably got issues that will be a problem, and both of you will have issues if you marry.
Seriously, get couples counseling....or break up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): I smell at attempt to relieve guilt here.
I think she feels that it will balance out her cheating if she lets you get some on the side too. And she wants you to see her like you did before she cheated, which still won't happen.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (23 January 2012):
 This isnt about sex even though it seems it is.
getting laid means nothing really...if you dont have feelings for the person. so what, you'll like someone physically and just have sex with them and...? Do you believe it will change something in the equation? To me it looks you need space. You need to DATE other women. Sleeping with 1-2-3-4-5 or more girls before you get married to THIS GIRL wont be a solution. You wont feel good about yourself either. Youve been too safe in this relationship....but I fear its not going to last. Looks like you are still teenagers who grew up together..my advice is yes do sleep with someone else to see how it feels but chances are ull feel bad afterwards as uve only used to making love to someone you love.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (23 January 2012):
I say don't do it. It's a very weird thing for her to ask of you even given the history. Two wrongs don't make a right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): Hmmm my goodness what a tricky situation. I honestly don't know how she can be so certain she has no issues with this. As a woman I could not cope with my boyfriend having a passionate kiss with anyone else let alone giving him permission to sleep with someone else.
My first reaction to your story was that it appears she can't get over her guilt for cheating on you and I am guessing now but perhaps she thinks that one day you will sleep with someone else and say "well you cheated on me so now we're even" you probably would never dream of doing that but she is carrying guilt over what she did and could be imagining this scenario. By letting you sleep with someone else maybe in her mind you are then both even. It doesn't work like that though and could just breed contempt if on actual fact she can't handle it.
Then I wondered what if she genuinely wants you to just experience someone else? Well as generous as her offer I can't see what this would achieve. You will have meaningless sex then go back to her. Then what? You'll be happy to have slept with someone else? She will think you wont ever want to sleep with anyone else in the future? Neither of you can guarantee what the future will bring. You could do what she asks and in 10 years time meet a new person, fall head over heels in love and leave her. She could meet someone OR you could be together for the rest of your lives regardless of this offer she's put to you.
I personally see a lot more to lose than there is to gain. She says she has no issue and that saying you would is just like doing it anyway. It's not. Not until you have slept with another girl and she's faced with that reality does she know how she'll feel. If you are happy in your relationship as it is then jus carry on as you are. You will remember how you felt at knowing she had been with someone else, and she could potentially bring they feeling on herself.
You're still young there is no need to rush into marriage just enjoy where you're at in your relationship. You say she's 20 and your 21. No reason to get married soon, if you're confident in your relationship anyway waiting a few years should make no difference. My bf and I have been together 6 years we're both 22 and feel no need to even get engaged, we speak about it and just because we know we will one day, for the time being we just enjoy being young! We'd rather go in holiday than buy a ring and plan a wedding!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 January 2012):
 Well, what do you believe? Do you believe that sex belongs only in a close committed relationship? You have been living your life that way. Do you believe that an outside adventure will hurt your relationship? You have some evidence on your side. Your doubts are probably based on that belief.
Stick to your beliefs. they are right and you will be happier.
FA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): Don't have sex with someone else and don't marry her.
Not saying break up, but you have serious, serious issues to resolve before you even think of getting married. You need counseling, individual and joint.
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