A
male
age
51-59,
*imsteve
writes:My life has just fallen apart. After 9 years of marriage and being together almost 15 years, my wife has told me she no longer wants to be married to me.We have had a tough time over the last 4-5 years after my son was born, my wife has suffered depression ever since, but it seemed to be getting better. She was getting her confidence back, and I believed we were working better together as well.Now she tells me that she no longer loves me enough to stay married and that there is no way at all that we can ever get that love back. I love my wife more than anything and would do anything to have her back. She says that she wants me to remain friends and that I don't have to leave, but how can I carry on living alongside her feeling the way I do.I don't want to have to leave my two children, my home or my wife. The thought of being a part time father tears me apart, even though she says she will never deny me access it won't be the same.She says she wants to be herself, not tied down. I have never stopped her from doing anything in our life always backing her 100%. Never stopped her from going out or even changing to a lower paid job that put us under financial strain.I just do not know what I can do. I feel so alone, and the only thing I have left is hope. My wife and children are my whole world and I can see it disappearing without knowing how I can fight to save it. She even refuses counselling as she is so adamant that it is over. This came right out of the blue, one day fine, the next all over. It is like somebody has just flicked a switch on my life.
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male
reader, D man  +, writes (30 August 2008):
I am 33 years old I have been married for 11 awsome years to the most beutiful women we have a 6 year old son. They have been my whole life. Everything I do is for them. Me and every one we know thought we had the perfect marrige. we all ways got along and worked threw are problems together. then one day she asked me to move out she needed some time to think so I gave her the time. 4 weeks later she called me up and asked if we could get together and talk. SHE TOLD ME SHE HAS BEEN HAPPIER WITHOUT ME AND SHE WANTS A DIVORCE. I said I wanted to go to counsiling and try to work it out that we don't have problems we can't fix she said yes kind of and we started and then she quit and said we can't fix anything and her happieness is the most impotant thing not us or our family so I sit here sad lonely scared and crying everyday and night.I am going to wait for ever if I have to I made a promise when we got married till death do us part and even though she can't I will I keep my promises. If this is what it takes to prove my love I will die old and alone. but it is said that she would do this to our family and very selfish. ever one is goin to think I am crazy but I can't wait to hear what ever one has to say about this.
A
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Hello, i feel very deeply about what you have typed. This nightmare must hit many married men like us, it leads to untold pain and utter confusion as to what to do.
Can i tell you a little about my cicumstances. I've been married to my lovely wife for nearly 15 years. We have a lovely 12 year old daughter. My wife said to me one afternoon in a field that she no wanted to be my wife. I found out that she had been in regular contact with a younger chap. Through reading secret diaries that she had been writing, i discovered they were heavily into sexual bondage, and were involved in a cult. She had met him on purpose on the internet, throught this cult. I've been through the courts, exposing everthing, but at the end of the day it didnt do anything, and probably made things a lot worse. I tried to hightlight the dangers in getting involved in this sordid business, and to set something to protect my dauughter. It was a nightmare, and to cap it all we still live under the same roof. Why i still feel something for her, i shall never know, considering all the pain and debt that we both have stacked up against one another. At the end of the day, the time you have had with your partner, and me with mine, are not easily forgotten -we are only human and men to go with that. Dont blame yourself, try and see a councillor, i am, when one is available. Again, i truly understand what you are going through, from a mans point of view, it is so crushing. We will find our way...... somehow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): thank you for all of the positive responses. I truly appreciate it and it reinforces my course of action. Anonymous female, I know that all women are not bad but for whatever reason I chose to marry the wrong one. Bad for me, bad for her - no fingers pointed.
I am just happy that my daughters seem to be adapting to the horrible situation that they have been dealt. If I had it my way I would have chosen a lifetime of unhappiness for myself and a lifetime of happiness for them but that is not how it worked out. I will still sacrifice myself for them but know that will not serve the greater good now. I just hope that the love that I show and demonstrate for them will be enough.
Simsteve, I truly hope that things are continuing in a positive manner for you. Things continue to get better for me and I am grateful that things are proceeding as they are. The righteous path will always prevail and that seems to be the course of events as of late. I am thankful for this and hope for this to continue. Do take care and continue on your path.
-me
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Hi AllI have watched this post since it started, glad to hear you 2 guys are coping alright and seeing your kids.I have posted female anon 4/10.Its horrible you all have to go through this but you do get there in the end, stick up for yourselfs and your kids. A great uncle on this site rnc is great with advice for this plus we woman are not all bad (lol)Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Hey Simsteve, Good to hear from you - the parallels between our two nightmares is uncanny. I am also doing well and feel things are finally working in my direction. I am jealous of the amount of time you get with your children though. Cherish the time you have with your children and keep doing what you're doing. You'll always have time for a social life but your children will only be young once. Not to mention, when they're old enough they'll thank you for being there rock and figure things out on their own. I truly believe this is when you and I will sit content with what we have endured with a smile on our face.I too am a bit of a neat freak so I can understand the living situation. I would come home from work (56 hours/week) and clean, cook, and do whatever else needed to be done. I can only guess what the ex's house looks like but I can tell you it isn't pretty. I am in a bit of a different custody scenario so I have found time to get out. Actually went out on my first date since the split last week and had fun. A bit odd as I have been removed from that scene for so long but fun nonetheless. I'll tell you something though, I would have gladly traded my night out for a night in with my children. Nothing quite compares although I realize now that I need a bit of balance and time to myself.Do take care of yourself and don't stop doing what you're doing.
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reader, simsteve +, writes (15 February 2008):
simsteve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi glad all is going well with you. Things are a lot better here too. Ex has moved out, moved out at the beginning of January. We are currently sharing responsibility with our children having them 2 weeks at a time. We are talking more now, and better, no arguing. Although I still have no trust for her and have told her this to. She seems to be in a strange place at the moment, behaving as if she is 18 again, going out every night when she doesnt have the children, and always down to the pub. Even going to the pub in the day to. She has cut her hair short as she did when I first met her, and trying to dress younger now to. Really is as if she is trying to be young all over again. She is also playing some very serious games, seeing a married guy, who also happens to be her friends husband, along with at least one other guy she knows from the pub. I really don't care anymore what she gets up to just as long as it never affects the kids. My only problem now is that during the 2 weeks that she has them I look after the kids at her place on a tuesday night while she works, till about midnight. Then I have them friday nights till 2pm saturday as she works friday nights and saturday mornings. Then again on a Sunday afternoon from 12-6pm. I would never begrudge seeing and having my kids, my only problem is that now I am beginning to wonder when I can get my own life started again. I have no real time to socialise when she has the children as I am looking after them. I want to tell her to sort herself out in regards of getting a babysitter but at the same time I don't want to cause any animosity. Friends keep telling me I am being a fool and that she has them she should be arranging someone to look after them. And that she is going to keep expecting me to look after them all the time. Other than that problem I am doing great. Have been redecorating the house, and the place has never, and I mean never, been so tidy. My parents can't believe the difference in the place now she is gone. I fooled myself all these years that she would get herself sorted and start keeping the place tidy, after all she was at home for 5 1/2 days of the week, now i know doing nothing. Her new place is still a mess after nearly 2 months, to the effect that there is a piece of broken glass sitting on her kitchen window sill that has been there since the day after she moved in. Really has opened my eyes up to the kind of person she really is, and that has helped me an awful lot. Don't know what I'm going to do with myself once the decoratings all done though...lol..gonna have to start getting myself out, if I can get it through to her that I need my time to myself as well.
Well hope to hear more from you, keep your spirits up, there is life out there after all, you just have to work out were to start looking again. I have found it's not easy starting all over again, but only because it's been so long I have forgotten what it's like.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Simsteve,
Hope things are going well on the other side of the pond. Things are finally reaching some sense of normalcy here although the reality is much different. The new reality is one that is positive as I am finally coming into my own and enjoying my new found freedom from other's depression. I truly hope that you are doing well in your adjustment as well.
Do take care of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): To All the male posters
Its nice to get an update, even if they are not happy endings!
Glad to hear you are all keeping in contact with your children and coping as it's really hard .
Hope 2008 is better year for all of you.
Merry Xmas
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Simsteve,
Good to here that things are going well and it sounds as if you are doing much better. My situation very closely parallels yours and I also feel much better. I too have relied on friends and family and they have been a shoulder like no other. It is funny but looking back now I realized that I wasn't all that happy. I loved and cherished the time that I spent with my kids but my wife and I weren't connecting for whatever reason. I love her and I miss her companionship but not necessarily her. I don't know if this is a defense mechanism that I have subconsciously created or an epiphany of sorts. Whatever it is it has allowed me to move past the initial raw emotion to a better place.
I finally have turned the corner and the courts and the mediator are seeing things as they truly are. I have unsupervised time with my children every week and that is just wonderful. It is not as much as I want but I am realizing that the legal process in the US is painfully slow.
This is a tough time of year and to be honest I am looking forward to the passing of the holiday season. I just wrapped presents for my children tonight and placed them under the tree. I miss having someone to enjoy the season with but in all honesty I am enjoying the periods of solitude to some degree. I will make it as will you and appreciate the comradery.
Merry Christmas.
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reader, simsteve +, writes (20 December 2007):
simsteve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell things havent changed all that much. A few suprises, like the fact that she is now moving out, 5th of jan, getting a place, one of her males friends from myspace has leant her the money to move....I don't know what she is getting herself into but I know I can not say anything. All I can do is let her make her mistakes, as long as the kids don't get hurt in it all then I will not interfere. Things have gone too far now to ever go back for me. I have told her I now want a divorce as soon as we can. I am doing great though, stronger now than ever, and no arguments for some time. Christmas is going to be hard I know that, but I can be string for my kids.
I am looking to the future now, and it's a future for me and my kids only. My next step is when she moves out, that to me is the start of a new life.
I have come a long way in the past four months, far quicker than I thought I would, and far better too. I think no matter how bad you feel, you will get better. Friends and family are the best help you can get, they have helped make me stronger.
I hope things are better with you, and wish you all the best this Christmas. Unless you have already reached the point, remember this, you will get to a point where you realise that you have to put the past behind you and look to the future.
All the best and Merry Christmas to you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): simsteve,
just took a look and noticed that you haven't posted in some time. I just wanted to drop you a note to see how you are doing? I hope all is well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): Well, I am going through a rough divorce too.
A little history. I met my wife who is German while I was in the army stationed over there. The first couple years together was more magical and the best time of my life. We did and had so much fun together I can't ever seeing that kind of a time in my life again. Well we got married and I had to goto Iraq for a year. After I got back we moved to the states and I was discharged from the army. It was ok for a few months and then we decided to have our first child, Alexander. The next year and a half was rough. I could not emotionally reconnect with my wife. After all I went through and the new stress of trying to provide for the family after 4 years in the military. I was home with my family who I did not see for 6 years and I spent the majority of my time hanging out with my father and brother.
Well my wife left earlier this year, March to go back to Germany with our son to visit her family. A month before she was to return she wrote me an email saying she does not want to come back and wants to divorce. She says after the last 2 years I was not there to show her love and care. This crushed me inside because I do not only love her but respect and admire her more then any other person I have known.
So I flew over there as soon as I could like a month after she told me she was not coming back and was pushed away. I stayed to weeks and then returned back home. I then made plans to quit my job pay all my bills and go back. Not only to try and reconcile with her but to be close with my son that I love more then anything. Well I was there for 3 months and just got back. I was pushed back from her so much and I think she may have a new boyfriend already. I found emails of her and him talking about how much of a psycho I am and to treat me like a dog so I leave with a tail between my legs. Crushed me I wont go into to much detail.
She says she loved me more then anything but that her heart is broken right now and can't she herself with me. She has said right now she wants a divorce but has also hinted on trying to un-break her heart but says she does not know if that will happen.
Well in Germany we have to be separated 1 year before a divorce proceeding can happen that one year will be march. I wonder if the holidays will make her miss me a little. She also says that she feels pressured into taking me back and I admit I say things to her that may seem that but I just wanted her to know that I did not mean to break her heart and how much she does mean to me. I can't go a day away from her and my son without being an emotional wreck.
Anyways I don't know what I am going to do with my life now. They went the world to me and all I want to do is be there for them to show them that. I am jobless and in debt and have no idea what I want to do. I sort of want to move to Germany to at least be close to my son as he grows up but I don't know if I can stand being around my wife if she does go through the divorce and everything. I think she is playing me sometimes just to hold me on with hope so I don't try and get the kid brought back to USA. I dunno, I am just so confused about everything so much has been said and happened I so want to work it out with her because I know we loved each other but I just wonder now if there is a point that too much happens and no matter how much you loved each other that it cant be repaired. I just pray the lord works on her heart to put it back together in his name and she does not go down a life of misery. I have heard that a women whose heart is broken may make a lot of poor decisions in her life and lead to a life of misery I care for a lot and don't want to see that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): Sounds as if you are in the same stages that I am in right now with mediation. It's funny but my wife also seems shocked by the manner in which I am conducting myself throughout this horrible process, with maturity. I don't believe that my wife truly understood what she was taking on when she filed for divorce. I believe that she thought I would not make a move for the children which shocks me given my close relationship with them. She told me after the mediation that she thought I would be happy after they left so I could concentrate on my career. I worked overtime to provide for my family but I was off and at home on average 18 days a month, I am a firefighter.
We talked about what went wrong and it is funny to see two entirely different perspectives. It truly boils down to communication, or lack of. We talked about the girls and I asked her about counseling for the two of us because I still love her with all of my heart. She is thinking about it again. I will also have a difficult time with trust but want to take the step to see if this is salvagable, I believe it is. I figure she, in her own mind, will also have issues with trust but if I am willing and she is willing why not take the leap. I realize that it would take large amounts of counseling to get over this but it but if two people love each other why not try. If it doesn't work then at least the communication will be there to allow us to effectively co-parent our girls.
I pray a lot and want this also to end quickly which ever way it turns out.
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reader, simsteve +, writes (2 November 2007):
simsteve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell just to update you all on whats been happeneing. We both went away for the weekend. Me to my uncles, her to a night with the guy she has met. As our parents were having the children that weekend I admitted to my parents that she was seeing someone else. I also forced her into telling her parents where she was goin, as i am sick of all her lies, and felt they should know the truth.
That didn't go down to well with her obviously. She text me on sunday morning saying how she has been stupid and naive, and insensitive to my feelings, but I can no longer listen to her as I never know what is a lie or the truth.
Consequently when i got home on sunday evening, I was in the wrong for creating an atmosphere. What was i supposed to do, that weekend should have been us together celebrating our 9th wedding anniversay. Instead I had to deal with the thought of her sleeping with another man.
Monday again was difficult, but bearable. Tuesday the same.
Wednesday we went to family mediation. Which i guess is the same as divorce mediation. We were seen separately to guage our sides of the issues. We will be having 3-4 more meetings to decide on finances, children etc. It went well, and she agreed it was the best way forward.
I must admit that i got a certain satisfaction afterwards when we left. I mentioned that it will be good because once the meetings were finished they would give us all of our agreements written up. Then we could take them to our solicitors to be put into the divorce. Her head swung around so fast i thought she may get whiplash, the look on her face was pure shock. A little while later while driving home i mentioned it again, and she said she didnt realise i was considering divorce so soon. I said as soon as possible, and she went very quiet. What more did she expect after all she has done to me. I think now she realises just how much i accept that our marriage is over.
She was probably expecting a separation first before divorce, but I no longer want that. Whats the point of it, when we will not be getting back together. I still love her and care deeply for her, but she has hurt me on so many levels with her lies, I no longer have any trust or respect for her. I want to get through this as quick as i can so i can start making a new better life for myself.
Well I have rambled on for long enough. I will keep you up to date and hope things have improved for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): just wanted to write a quick note. My wife and I attended our first divorce mediation session yesterday. It went well and it was the first time that I saw her in over two months. I had a rush of emotions when I saw her and what I felt was love. I still love her with all of my heart. We talked with the mediator for two hours and then spent another two hours talking after our session, just the two of us. It was amazing to see two totally different perspectives on things that have happened in our marriage. The bottom line is that we didn't communicate effectively. I approached the topic of counseling together and she said that she would think about it. I am optimisitic that her response will be yes. I told her and I firmly believe that before we continue down this road we should exhaust every possibility that exists. We have to try everything before we end our marriage. I love her and I believe that she still loves me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Welcome back. I know that it is indescribably difficult but you sound better. I can relate with the betrayal you must feel. I haven't confirmed whether or not my wife has someone else but the manner in which she left - taking the children and never talking to me also left me with a sense of betrayal. You want and search for answers but the end result is there are none. I hope and pray for your sake that one day you will be able to sit down with her and talk about what went wrong and what went right in your relationship. I also hope for the same in my situation.
My situation has remained status quo to some degree but I feel the shift in direction. We went to court and the judge made no finding on the allegation of abuse and more importantly found that I was no risk to my children. I was anticipating a significant increase in time given the fact that I was seeing them through supervised visits two times per week, two hours per visit. The problem is that they tried to undermine the supervisor's positive report, an unbiased third party. The judge stated that she would continue the status quo to protect me but increased the number of visits to three times per week. Not much but I'll take any chance I can see my daughters right now. I have continued with the visits and also get to see them at my daughter's therapists office, yet another thing my wife asked for. I have no problem with this because I want to help her through this difficult time right now. The unfortunate thing is I think my wife's motivation is purely strategic and is not for my daughter.
We attend divorce mediation next week together and I hope and pray that we can come to some sort of compromise. I still hold onto some sort of hope but I have pushed that to the back of my mind. The one and only thing on my mind right now is being with my daughters. It sounds like you have also pushed the idea of your marriage to the farther reaches of your mind. I have done the same and it helps to just concentrate on one thing. The hope remains like you said but you move on to more important issues and save yourself the heartache. Let her go for now, it will save your sanity. Show her your strength by letting go and spending time with your children because it helps.
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reader, simsteve +, writes (23 October 2007):
simsteve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it's been a while since I came on here. Things have changed since I was here last. My moving out got the result i needed, we were able to talk civily to each other. I moved back in this weekend, although she had no idea when i stayed on Friday that I would not be leaving.
We had words on Saturday morning, basically because she is going away this coming weekend. Some of the details she told me didn't make sense so after more questions a row erupted and she admitted that "he" might turn up. She is going up north to a place that is only a few miles from where he lives, so that was the first thing that raised my suspicions. Second, was the fact that she was taking the train when her friend could have easily have picked her up on the way. She didn't know where she was going to stay because they hadn't booked anywhere. Again didn't make sense especially as she had booked her train ticket two weeks in advance.
Well last night she finally admitted the truth, that she was going on her own, and that he would be there. He had already booked a hotel for them both.
I am not stupid, i realised most of this. All i wanted from her for once was the truth. I knew it I just needed her to be honest with me for once. I told her it was hard for me, seeing as as far as i was concerned our marriage hadn't been over 2 months yet. I can not believe how fast she has moved on, this is still the hardest thing to take.
My deciding to move back in has pushed her into deciding to leave. Although it will be hard for her to find a place I am glad. I told her that as far as i was concerned she had decided she wanted out of the marriage, she wanted to be single etc...so she should be the one to leave, why should I be the one to suffer through her selfishness.
I have gotten over the initial stage, and accept that things are definitely over. I could and would never take her back after all this deciet. But my feelings have not changed, I still love her with all my heart (all thats left of it now anyway). She seems to have no consideration at all for my feelings..Oh shes promised not to meet him again until we have finalised things but I can no longer trust her.
She keeps telling me I have done nothing wrong, it is all her. But I find that hard to accept. It just seems lately that for every step forward I take, I get kicked back 3.
I just don't know anymore what to do. I want her out, but at the same time I want her to stay. I don't want to see her go and make a mess of her life, but on the other hand I hope she does. Does this make me a bad person.
I do feel stronger now though. I now I have the support of my friends, and family and that is a huge help. But through all of this, even with that support I feel so alone.
Well just thought I would update you all. And anon, I hope things have improved for you as well. Thank you all for your kind words.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): Thank you all for your support, it does help. SimSteve, my heart, or what is left of it, hurts for you. I don't know what to say and can't say anything that will make it better. I know it hurts to love someone and not have it reciprocated. I know what it feels like to have your whole world turned upside down. I also know the despair, sadness and grief that you feel.
I've started with a new therapist who is very pragmatic and analytical. He asks very good questions and stimulates a lot of conversation, but more importantly introspection. I don't know if I have told you before but my wife suffers from depression and a sleep disorder, chicken or egg question. I have been very honest with this therapist and have told him about the things that I have done wrong and the things that I have witnessed in our marriage. He believes that my wife is suffering a very severe depressed state and is very open to suggestion. He believes that her self-esteem is so low at this point that any predator, male or female, would be able to significantly influence her. I don't believe that there is someone else right now, but I do believe that her support network, however limited, is significantly influencing her right now. My wife has never had any close friends that she has kept in contact with and the numerous life changes that have occured in our marriage has without a doubt effected us both. I truly believed that our marriage was strong enough to weather any storm and if there were cracks in the foundation then we would seek professional help.
Stay strong and love your children with all of your heart and soul. Tell them that you love them and their mother, but most importantly show them through your actions. Consider yourself lucky, hard I know, that your wife did not run off with them during the day when you were working. Cherish every moment with them and never us them as pawns during this unfortunate experience. I will check out the website and look forward to hearing from you my friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007):
Hi Steve
Move back in do not let her keep the house and kids she is doing waht I advised you to do deciede if you stay at your parents chances are this guy will be at your house eventually. Don't let this happen be strong she fell out of love with you let her deal with it. Do not make this easy as you will kick yourself in the long run
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reader, simsteve +, writes (4 October 2007):
simsteve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you again for your words of support.
Once again things have changed, and once again i have lost any control.
My wife stayed with her friend. Came home early monday before the kids got up. And picked them up after school. She left once they were in bed. I even cooked for her as it saved her going and coming back because my daughter was at brownies. She came back again the next mornnig, again before the kids were up. Things changed when I got home from work, after just three nights away, 2 away from the kids. She tells me she is not staying away, she is moving back in. But she would stay out of my way to give me space. This I told her could not work, as the idea of space could not work if she was still in the house. So I packed my bags and left to stay with my parents. Now it is me going in early before the kids get up, and leaving once they were in bed. And oh how she changed, monday and tuesday morning i tried to make conversation, and even while we ate dinner together. But i was blanked, yet soon as i go back on wednesday morning, she is all talk and asking me how i am. Yet again she is on control. I shocked her by threatening to throw her out, and then asking her to move out for two weeks. But that shock did not last long. She has had the idea put into her head that if she stays away from the house for 2 weeks i can legally change the locks. I have tried in vain to find this information myself, but all i come up with is that as we have 50/50 ownership i or she could not do that without a court order. But of course she will not listen to me. My promise to her once again meant nothing, my wishes meant nothing and once again, it comes down to what she wants. This has been such a hard time, i don't know this person anymore, and she says the same of me after what i have done recently....no one else would get into thier partners mail accounts etc...but i beg to differ.
I have also told her that i will not be home at the weekend, as I still feel i need my space. Two days now when I have been home to see my kids, and put them to bed there have been no rows, although i do find it difficult to talk to her. I am trying to be string for my kids, she couldnt even respect my wishes for a few weeks apart.
Oh she told me how hard it was for her to go those two nights, leaving the kids behind. My reply to that was that that is a fear I live with every day now. And sooner or later it is a feeling i will have to undergo everyday, and not by choice. I told her that there was no way she was going to leave them, so i would be the one forced to do it in the end. But i dont have to leave the she says, you dont have to leave. She still can't understand how hard it is for me to think about living with her while i still love her so much, and having nothing in return.
The little things hurt, no phone calls at work to tell me about things that could wait till i got home. No "I love you at the end of a phone call", no x x x at the end of a text. The kiss goodbye before i go to work. It is funny how you do these things everyday, and dont realise how special they are till they are gone.
She is still in contact with the guy she met, and still refuses to stop contact. I have given her back access to all her accounts again. Nothing will stop her contacting him for as long as she believes that she has not had an affair. Even though nothing physical happened, it to me is still an affair, and to her friend who still talks to me it is too.
There is a good website that i have found my friend, it is not an easy read as it was created by a woman who has been through a divorce, but there are some good things on there that have helped me...take a look.
http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/divorcerecovery.html
My heart goes out to you, and I hope things improve for you. All we can do is be strong for our children. Nothing else matters to me now, but my kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007):
Hi Steve
I have been following your story, my heart goes out to you. As a female with 2 cousins both male this has happened to both of them , they choose different ways to deal with it. 1 moved out of the house leavin his 2 boys at his wofes request as she said if he didn't leave she would forgot to metion her boyfriend well that was 7/8 yrs ago its now all over between her & boyfriend and she's on her own. The other refused to move out got into custody battle with wife over his 2 boys and he's still got them wife moved in with boyfriend has a daughter now. YOU need to decied what you are going to do. i know you still love her but DONT be a pushover stand up for yourself and your kids she is the one that is doing wrong hope this help you and stay strong
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): well my friend. It seems that you are getting some answers to your wife's behavior, unfortunately it is very difficult to deal with. Can her reaching out to someone else merely be a cry for help for your relationship? Can you both go to a counselor? If not, I recommend that you do on your own. I am currently seeing a counselor and it helps to have an unbiased party looking at the situation and asking relevent questions. I am still holding on to hope for you and also myself. There is nothing left to grasp onto so that is what I hold onto with everything that I have. I also understand reaching and searching and even going through email accounts for any possible information. I have thought about it but have not. My belief is that I have to give her the space that she so desparately sought and don't want to do anything that might potentially sabotage anything in the future. I read a book that also said something to that effect and it hit home. Stay strong and believe in hope. Show her that you love her through your actions and believe that change in both of you is possible. Don't stay angry at her, stay strong for your children. Count your blessings that you can talk to her and see your children every day. I know that this is difficult for you and it is easier said than done but I would cherish having the contact that you have now. I haven't seen are talked to my wife in a month and have seen my daughters for six hours over the same period.
I was going over the family calendar today and found all the dates of our family functions. It is sad that we did all of those things together and that one person can unilaterally make a declaration of lies and half-truths and end it for the other. I did things wrong but nothing that deserves this. She honestly believes that she is a battered woman. I have talked to so many people about her past and the present and one thing keeps coming up. 35 is the magic age that people with unresolved problems go through a period of adjustment, for lack of a better term. I have never been emotionally, verbally or physically abusive to my wife and her claims against me are so hurtful that I breakdown on a regular basis.
I pray, like I haven't in a long time, that this will soon end for you and me. We will get to a better place and I will be with my children. That is all that I can look forward to now and pray that it will be soon.
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reader, simsteve +, writes (2 October 2007):
simsteve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am pleased you had the time with your children, I on the other hand had a far weightier weekend. I found the proof that my wife had met someone else. I couldn't understand, still can't, how or why. She says that she realised we had problems while we were away on holiday. The following weekend after returning she took herself out for the day. I was pleased because i thought that she was finally beating her depression and getting her confidence back. The following friday she dropped the bombshell it was all over. I found out on friday night that she had in fact gone to meet this new man. This new man who she had only known for 2 weeks through myspace. I couldnt believe why she had lied to me. So with a very heavy heart and a lot of anger I let her go off to work, saw my kids go off to their grandparents for the weekend. Then set myself down to packing her a case and printing off the emails i had found. I acted rashly i know that now, but i took her case to her work and told her i had found out, that she had been lying to me. Of course an argument ensued. She claims nothing physical has happened, and i want to believe that. But she refused to accept that she has done anything wrong. She only didnt tell me because she though ti would get mad about it. I had actually told her the following week after she met him, when she told me she wanted to meet up with some of her friends from myspace, that i wasnt exactly comfortable with the idea but i wasnt going to stop her. I would never stop her doing anything. I went to her parents and broke down. Her father went and picked her up from work and brought her back so we could talk.
Well the talk didnt help matters, I don't even think she knows what she wants anymore. One moment she is telling e she wants her freedom and no ties and to be single, the next she is saying that she has feelings for this man, loves him but not sure how much, and wants to pursue a relationship with him. It is this constant switching that is driving me insane, one minute she wants this, the next that.
Consequently i asked her to move out for two weeks to give us some space, well I am not the one who has done anything wrong. She agreed, and at one point broke down saying she wont be here for the kids, to which I said without any malice or spite, but the simple truth, that that is how i feel every day, and how i will feel when the time comes for me to move out, as I am sure she will never go.
I took her to a friends where she wanted to go before going to another friends to stay, i hugged her before i left but still felt bad. I told her that i am not stopping her form seeing the kids, she comes before they get up in the morning and takes them to school. Then picks them up from school and stays in our house (it no longer feels like a home) till the go to bed. Then she takes herself to her friends, which is only a few minutes walk down the road. She goes back to her friend, and i sit at home on my own, with nothing but my thoughts and feelings.
We argued yesterday morning, because i asked if she was still phoning and texting this guy and she said yes and wasnt going to stop. I warned her on saturday that i had changed her passwords on her accounts (one of which she created just to talk to him, if she had nothing to hide, why hide it). And of course this caused another argument last night. Because I was completely out of order for changing them, I had no right. To which i replied that she had no right going behind my back, but that was just an argument neither of us would back down on. Maybe I was wrong in going through her emails, but it was the only way i could find the truth. I invaded her privacy, yes I did, but what about what she has done to me. I havent stopped her accessing the net, although I could, i have just tried to limit the contact she has with him. I cant stop her phoning or texting when shes out, but i can stop it her emailing and chatting online in our house.
Maybe I am in the wrong, maybe I should give her back those passwords I don't know. But if she is not prepared to even give me a little respect in that area do we really have any hope at all.
I found out on saturday too that she is had made an appointment for legal advice this thursday, she has now said she will cancel, but at the moment I don't now wether to belive her, time will tell.
How could she decide one week we had problems, then the following week do this. The day she told me it was over she took off her wedding ring, and the following week the engagement ring followed. She made me remove mine, so it would show it was over apparently, but mine has since gone back on as i am not ready to take it off.
These things have happened so quick, it has completely taken it out of me. To make such lifelong decisions in such a short time is just so unlike her. This person who is currently my wife (legally at any rate) is now a complete stranger to me.
I am scared to go home from work these days, in case she has taken the kids away and dissapeared from my life.
I have aways had an idea of what to do with the future, always had a good idea of what to do next. I am in alien territory now, I have no idea what i should do, where i should turn. I just have no idea anymore wht is happening. The realisation has dawned that this is not a nightmare, that I am not going to wake up in a minute and it will all be a bad dream. I could never believe this person i wanted to spend my whole life with could hurt me so badly, or indeed know that such pain existed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): I was able to see my children today and it was wonderful. I brought them lunch and we played for two hours. It was difficult because it didn't feel natural given the fact there was a supervisor there, but I made the best of it because I was so happy to see my children. It was the first time in two weeks and they are just so beautiful and innocent. They were happy to see me and we played and I received hugs and kisses from them both. I just wanted to hug and kiss them the entire time that I was there but I was there to show them how much I loved them. I felt that I did that and it was good. At the end of the visit, I walked them downstairs where their mother was to pick them up and my oldest daughter hugged and kissed me. She started to walk towards the door and turned around. She ran back to me and gave me another hug and kiss and almost started to cry. I could see her little eyes start to well up and I did everything in my power not to cry with her there. She kissed me again and I kissed her back and she walked towards the door. I broke down. I just don't understand how my wife can be so cruel to me knowing how much my children mean to me. My family is my life and I have and still would do anything in my power for them. I love my wife with all my heart and not being able to see her today was difficult. I love the way she walks, talks, sleeps at night, her little dimple in her nose, the way she does her hair, the fact that she can just throw a hat on and be comfortable going out, the way she slams on the brakes coming to a stop in the car, the way she looks at our daughters, the way we used to run to our youngest daughter's room when she would get up from a nap or in the morning, and just holding her hand when we used to take the family somewhere, anywhere, in the car. Most of all, I miss being a family, all four of us together. I did not realize that pain of this magnitude on this earth was possible until the 6th of September. I am truly living in Hell. I push forward each day for my daughters and that is the only thing that is keeping me going. That and the slightest hope that we, my wife and I, can somehow fix this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Thank you for your words. I too have searched the web for any insight or answers for why things transpired in this manner. I look but know that ultimately I may never find out the true reason. I am dealing with that possibility but it is extremely difficult to come to terms with. I looked for the possibility of there being someone else but find it hard to continue speculating for answers to this mystery. The only thing that I am concentrating on now is getting reunited with my children. I get to see them this Sunday through a supervised visit. I have never abused my children and the thought of using a neutral place that is usually reserved for cases of abuse is difficult to stomach. I will do anything at this point though to see my children including paying someone to watch our interactions with one another. The one positive to using an impartial supervisor will be in getting her report as is pertains to my relationship with my children. I just pray that she is not feeding them with lies in an effort to keep them from me.
I also can't and haven't felt anger. I have felt extreme sadness and hurt and still love my wife with all my heart. The problem is that she will not even talk to me. I left a voicemail on her phone shortly after she left but there has been no response. I read the book Divorce Busters and that left me with the same notion that you cannot leave any stone unturned in these proceedings. We owe it to ourselves first, and then to our children second, to do everything in our power to try and turn the tide before it's too late. I just feel that hasn't occurred in my case and it is sad and a bit frustrating. If after counseling, she decided that she still couldn't be married to me then I could accept that easier than the way things are currently going. I will always love her because she is the one and only person who has ever made me truly happy and she is the mother to my children.
The grief process is difficult. I spoke with my therapist today and he suggested that I speak with someone in order to receive medication. I politely told him that I felt I had to get through the process without the use of medication because I want to be healthy for my children when I get time with them. I don't want to use an aid to mask my grief or potentially delay it until later. I will suffer through the process, keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other each day.
I will not give up on hope and I urge you to do the same. It sounds as if you are getting stronger but it hurts nonetheless. When you see your kids again, give them the biggest hug and kiss that you can and say a little prayer for me so that I may soon be reunited with my daughters.
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reader, simsteve +, writes (28 September 2007):
simsteve is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni feel for you to my friend. The past two weeks have been the worst of my life. On top of everything I now suspect that there is someone else. I have given her ample opportunity to be honest with me but as yet she has continued to lie. I feel i am at least owed the truth. I told her the words penta sent me about having to earn your way out of a marriage, giving your best try so you can tell the kids you honestly tried. She told me, she had tried, but how can that be fair if I am not given an opportunity, if i have no idea how she feels. I am not psychic, she has hidden how she feels so well, and as i said before over the past 6 months things seemed to have gotten better.
Now i find out that it was all pretend. She has "become a different person" to use her words. She wants freedom, and not to be tied down. But she is a mother to two kids, and wether she likes it or not does not have that freedom, and is tied down.
My life has been a mess these past two weeks, but least i have the opportunity to see my kids every day. Although that is just as painful, as I have no idea how long that will last. She asks "is she not allowed to be happy"..of course she is, i have always tried to make her happy. But what of me, what am i allowed. I have no say, i have no choice, the decision has been made for me.
All I can do is take each day at a time. To be honest today and yesterday are the first days I have not cried. I have come close a few times, but no tears have appeared as yet. I am stuck in a rut of decisions. Do I accept there is no hope for us, or do i keep hoping things might change. Through all of this I have been unable to hate her or have any ill feelings towards her, I love her too much to do that.
I have told her that I will have to learn to accept her decision, but that she also has to learn to accept that i still love her more than anything, and I can not turn those feelings off like a light switch.
Who knows, maybe things will change. Maybe they wont, but whatever happens I will never love anyone the way I love her, she gave me two beautiful children and nothing can ever change that.
Through all me searching on the net for answers to questions, and finding more questions. The one thing I have found out is that I am going through a period of grief, this will take its time to go through and times will be hard, sometimes very hard. But go through it, it seems i must. I am trying to be strong, strong for my kids, but i have to do a little each day. Thinking too much about tomorrow at the moment is too difficult.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel, but at the moment it is a long way off. It may recede, it may get closer, but each day I will try taking a step forward. I can not give up hope, but at the same time i need to make decisions about my life. Which path will I take to reach that life I do not know, it changes every day. But get there I will.
Do not give up on hope my friend, hope is the one thing no one can take away from you, you can only loose hope through trying and failing, but it will always be there no matter how small.
I am better today than when I first posted on here, all replies have helped in some small way, and I thank you all for your words. Tomorrow may be a better day, it may not, but I have to get through today first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): I feel your pain. I too was blinsided by my wife's request for dissolution for marriage. I kissed my wife and children when I left for work in the morning and was served at work that night. I rushed back home to find my daughters' rooms empty and all my wife's things gone. I attempted to call her parent's house but received very little information from her father. He seems to be the only rational thinker in her family and thought he might talk some sense into her. All I wanted was the chance to sit down with a marital counselor. She said no through her attorney and I still haven't spoken to her in three weeks. She is blaming me for everything and the thought of not being able to see my children everyday is tearing me apart. I've seen them for four hours in the last three weeks.
My wife is also suffering from depression and a sleep disorder and is currently medicated for both. I speculate that these have had an effect on her, in addition to her recent cancer diagnosis and surgery. I feel sad & hurt that my wife did not feel comfortable in talking to me. I would and still would do anything in my power to make her happy. My family was my reason for existence and now that they are gone my heart is empty. I have been going to counseling and that helps but all the other days are filled with despair.
I also love my wife despite what has happened in the last few weeks and would do anything at all to end this nightmare. The shock has passed but I still dream of getting back together with her. When I took my vows, I took them for life and it is extremely sad that marriage seems so disposable in this day and age. Family law attorneys, mediators and the courts are filled to the breaking point and it is truly sad. What is happening to us as a society that the majority of the children nowadays are growing up in broken families. What ever happened to working through problems and the notion that marriage was forever?
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reader, simsteve +, writes (17 September 2007):
simsteve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe depression is post natal, and she has been seeking treatment for the past three years. She has not to my knowledge stopped taking her medication, or changed it. She admits that she stopped loving me some time ago, not knowing when, and that she didnt want to admit it. In answer to your question about an affair, the answer is no. I tackled this one, and do believe her that there is no one else. I have no siblings or close friends i can turn to, her parents have been a support and I will be approaching mine soon as they are currently out of the country. I intend to take a step back, give her the space and time she needs and hope that this is something she needs to go through. Hopefully we can come out of it stronger than before. Maybe we cant but I will do what I can.
Thank you for your support especially in this difficult time for me. I am lonely, confused, hurt and angry (with myself for not seeing it or being able to fix it) and will do whatever i can to repair my marriage. It may be lost but I can not give up without any sort of a fight.
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reader, simsteve +, writes (17 September 2007):
simsteve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionin answer to Penta. She has admitted to me that she has held it all in, but i agree i should have seen some signs or thought i would have.In answer the the second. Yes I am working and actually bring in 6/8ths of our income. Before the job change we coped well, but with the cut it put a strain on us financially that we have slowly been getting over. I also agree with you that its my job to provide for my family and i have always told her that if we could afford it she wouldnt have to work.In answer to the third, this is just what i intend to do. Give her the time she needs and pray that she comes back to me. All i can do is hope. I know if i push that will only push her away.Thank you all for your kind words of advice and support.
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reader, lovejunkie  +, writes (17 September 2007):
 There's a couple of things to consider. If she's battled with depression before, is she on medication for it? And could this simply be a flare up of her depression that's clouding her feelings for you? The other thing to consider is that she's met someone else. This is the way a woman usually behaves when she's fallen in love with someone else. It may have come out of nowhere to you, but I suspect she's been withering a little at a time for many years and just going through the motions, out of fear, or guilt. It could be part of what caused her to feel depressed in the first place. It's a huge burden to carry when you are no longer attracted to someone, but you stay out of duty, or obligation for the children. If she's not willing to go to counseling, or take medication for her depression, there is not much you can do to solve this problem. It takes two to solve marital problems. You cannot row the boat by yourself. You may need to let go and either have her move out, or you move out. Maybe the separation will help her come to her senses, but be prepared for the opposite and just know that your marriage may be over. I wish you the best.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (17 September 2007):
 Sorry , questions - not answers - and I might be looking down the wrong road here. Was it post-natal depression? Is she still being treated for depression? Does she still take medication? Has she recently changed her medication or stopped taking it - or started an additional drug? Has there been any change in her depression before the announcement? Try asking her how she felt six months ago compared to how she feels now? What does she feel has changed?Penta is right - you must listen - with both ears, very carefully, and observe.Are there any family you can talk to about this - brothers/sisters etc?Penta is also right when she advises "Don't Leave." You can go to counselling on your own - doesn't have to be as a couple - you may need some guidance and support - especially if depression is causing this.
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reader, penta +, writes (17 September 2007):
 First, don't leave. If she wants out, she's the one who needs to leave.
Second, quote Dr. Phil at her: You need to "earn" your way out of a marriage, so that you can tell your children honestly that you tried. If you and she try honestly and the both of you still fail, then you'll agree to the divorce. The fact that this came out of nowhere to you may either mean that she's holding it all in, OR that you're not paying attention. Well you're paying attention now. You say you'll do anything, so mean it. Listen.
Third, try this: http://www.marriagemax.com/
I've been reading some good stuff about this and it makes sense. There's even a track for people whose spouses won't come, and it seems to make a difference. If she won't try with you, you try alone and as Ghandi said "be the change you want to see."
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): You say you allowed her to change to a lower paying job that put you under financial strain. Are you not working? Are you not making enough to support the family? She may feel too pressured to financially support the family. In my opinion, that's the man's job.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Hi,
Sorry, to hear about your situation. You sound like a very supportive husband and father. I suffer from depression and are on anti-depression tablets. As i know, depression is a very lonely, strange illness that can make you do and say things irationally. I feel that you should give your wife time and carry on being supportive to her. You may find that tomorrow or in a few days time she feels differently. I hope this as helped.
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