A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in need of desperate help! My husband and I got into a huge fight 3 nights ago because I found out he was still talking to a woman whom had admitted she had feelings for him. She even tried to get us to break up and he promised after that time she did that he said he would never talk to her again. Well he left that night and didn't come back til the next morning. He came home with a hickie on his neck and when I asked him about it he broke down crying saying he went and slept with her, (keep in mind that was the first time he met her in person and he slept with her) It broke me completely, when I asked him why he said since I had accused him of cheating on me with her that he decided to go and do it because if he was going be accused of it he may as well actually f^^^ her. I feel like everything I had with him meant nothing. He had been very apologetic all that day, and I think what killed me most is that he throws a fit everytime I try to cuddle or be intimate with him and he goes out and lets this woman leave a hickie and f^^^^ her with no hesitation. I am working on giving him a second chance, I also told him he is not to touch me again until he is tested and proves he is clean. However, I have lost all faith in him and our marriage, he even messaged one of his friends yesterday saying to enjoy being single because once you get married all the fun is gone, and that he misses high school because he would date a new girl every few months and it was fun. I ask him if he is unhappy with me and every time he says no he is happy and kisses me. But it is eating me alive, I can't get the image of him being with this girl out of my head when he wont even hardly hug or kiss me without me asking him if he will. I am trying to be strong and work things out since I do love him and we have a 10 month old son together, but I don't know how to begin even getting past this. I am so hurt and all I can do is bottle it up inside me. What can I do to get past him cheating on me? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Last week I finally broke down and told him exactly how I was feeling about the whole situation. He got mad and said, "I don't want to hear it I know I made my mistake I'm trying to move on and make it up to you, but how can I do that if you keep bringing up the past?" I was so hurt because it felt like he didn't even care about how much he hurt me by being with her because the fact when I wanted to be intimate with him he would get mad and say he needed to breathe every once in awhile, but he can go out and sleep with her. How low he made me felt and he just doesn't seem I was walking out I told him that sometimes he makes me feel like crawling under a rock and dying, well I guess as I was walking out he called the cops because they showed up at my moms house 15mins later. As if I hadn't been through enough hell. according to him he called them because he thought I was going to kill myself. So I explained to the cop everything and he said that I should get out because me and our 10 month old baby does not need to be in that kind of environment. (meaning him cheating etc, being afraid he would knock someone up or catch something and give it to me IF I ever trusted him enough to do that again.) The next morning he calls me balling his eyes out because he said he didnt want to lose his family and that he would do anything to keep us, he even recommended a marriage counselor, that he didnt want to go through a divorce, and that he promises he will never do that again. He came by later that day so we could talk, and he asked me to stay the night. I told him he was 1 week to show me he will work on changing. well that night I stayed but I slept on the couch, when I went to the bathroom (which is unfortunately in our bedroom) his phone was vibrating, I picked it up to urn it off and it was a text message from his ex, I couldnt read the message because he has recently put a lock on his phone, and changed the passwords to his computer and all the social sites he is on. I have to make a decision, and granted that I love him a part of me always will, but I dont know if I can stay knowing I will never feel the same again, Im so hurt I dont even know if i want to be with anyone else the rest of my life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): you guys are married, if he truly valued your vows he wouldn't have gone and slept with the first woman that showed him any interest. His excuse is poor and the trust is broken. Unfortunately his callousness has shown he cannot be trusted, how can you trust him again? gives us dudes a bad name. Divorce the sod!
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 Unfortunately your trust has been betrayed. He has broken your trust.
This is heartbreaking and your strong to give him another chance.
Your relationship cannot be mended over night and there are no quick fixes.
I would suggest that if your both willing you both need to see a Marriage Therapist and see what led to the cheating/issues in the first place.
Work on healing your relationship together so you can both move on.
Your very strong and if I was you I would let your husband know from now on there are limits/boundaries.
He has treated you very poorly and he needs to regain your faith.
Saying "I love you's or I am happy" is not enough.
Marriage will always have it's up's and down's but TRUST and LOVE are the main thing. If either is compromised severe remedy is need.
You both need to heal the relationship and each other by seeking help from a professional.
I hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): I'm sorry but it takes two to get past this and he's not bothered his arse. He may say he's happy but behind your back he's telling his friends he's not.
Marriage counselling is the only way to be honest. Personally I think there are no comebacks from what he has done and you loving him is not enough to make this work, and frankly it's a pretty crappy reason to stay with someone who treated you this way.
Go to counselling and see if you can work this out. Do not use the "stay together for the child" crap. A child needs two happy parents regardless of whether they're together or not. It does not need to grow up in an environment of arguments, cheating, mistrust and complete emotional dismay.
Let's get one thing straight here OP, she didn't do anything that he didn't reciprocate. What made her think she had a chance with him? Easy isn't it? Because he's been developing a relationship with her and hasn't told her to feck off. She's not exactly a paragon of virtue but put the blame where it deserves to be, on him. He's your husband and this will not be the first woman to show an interest in him, it won't be the first time you have a major argument and the worst, simply the lowest part of this, is he hasn't yet owned up to it OP, he blamed you saying he may aswell because you accused him, that's the lowest of the low.
This is not about her trying to steal him OP, this is about him looking elsewhere and I bet you any money she's feeling used and hurt too. You may not have any sympathy for her understandably but it's hard to find sympathy with you too after this because you're fighting to take him back when you should have run for the hills because he's plainly not sorry about it.
You have a long hard road ahead of you whatever happens but you must go to counselling and get professional help. You're doing the right things physically, he has to earn his place back in that regard but I feel you haven't done the same emotionally. You shouldn't be asking him if he's unhappy and then accepting a kiss and a cuddle. His words have lost all meaning haven't they? So go to counselling and take your time, you have absolutely no reason to believe you can ever trust him again so he has to work his ass off to prove he can, but it has to be him that does this. He's the one who needs to atone for this but personally I don't hold any hope. Because whatever reason he decided to do all this will probably present itself again in the future because he's clearly not happy with the marriage. So have leaving him as not only an option OP but have it as something you are prepared for not just mentally, but start doing a bit of research into an easy exit strategy. Where you would live, sorting out the finances to your benefit, all that other stuff and don't tell him or let him know you are doing this, just have this as a quiet background thing in case all else fails. You need some form of back up plan OP, so you can at least have some kind of security, this way if it does all go to pot then even in the middle of complete emotional turmoil you will have a plan of action ready that you can set in motion.
Finally stand your ground, don't cave in or let him worm his way out of this. You deserve better and you have to ensure you're treated the way you deserve.
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