A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been training with my personal trainer for a year. At first I looked at him as only a trainer but recently I have been feeling differently about him. We have become good friends and there is a chemistry that has developed between us. We share many personal conversations together and details about each other's lives and have built an emotional bond. I look forward to seeing him and to our time together. I am married. He is single. The attraction between us is growing in intesity but I am not sure what to do. We are always flirting back and forth and we continue to get closer. Am I playing with fire? My marriage has been dead for a while and is missing the spark and I am turning to this man for emotional support and shutting out my husband. I am not sure if my trainer really has feelings for me or if he is looking for a fling or just flirting to keep me coming back for sessions. How would I really know if he is serious? I don't want to change trainers because he has transformed my body and I feel so good about myself because of him. I do not want to lose that connection. We work and get along really well together. I am really stuck on what to do next. Can anyone help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Read a book on affairs, before you do anything else. Understand what is really happening here. Get a professional counselor as well.
A
female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (18 December 2011):
I would be very cautious moving forward with the trainer. I had a personal trainer who used to flirt relentlessly with me knowing I was married. Would he have taken things further? Absolutely. I was lonely like you in a dead end marriage but I also was smart enough to figure out that if I mistook the trainers feelings for anything other than lust I would end up disappointed and even more hurt. The other reader was correct about his intentions being for the short term since technically you are not available. I decided to just be good friends with my trainer and still enjoy the attention and this is how I later found out that he tended to flirt with everyone and tried to sleep with as many women as possible. Luckily I didn't add to his statistic but the things he told me would make anyone blush. Please just either work on your marriage or get out. Then once you have a clear head move forward with someone who won't have as many temptations.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): Yes you're playing with fire! You're at a crossroads now. Do you stay in your marriage and have an affair and end up in an even worse situation feeling guilty and bad about yourself and if your husband finds out then you will be ruining your family's life. or do you end this relationship with your trainer so you can remain faithful to your marriage and thereby have a clean conscience but be unfulfilled and unhappy? or do you end your marriage and pursue the trainer which may or may not work out since you don't know if he's serious?
a lot of people in your situation try to hedge their bets and pursue a new relationship while still in their marriage to try and build up a 'safety net' in the new relationship before they have the guts to leave their marriage. This is dishonest and cowardly, so please don't go this route.
since your husband was there in your life first, no matter how much or how little you feel for him or how terrible of a husband he is, you still owe it to him to decide what to do about your marriage to him first before making any decisions to pursue someone new.
It's dishonest to pursue a new relationship while you're still married. Doesn't matter if your marriage is 'dead' or not, the fact is you're still in a pre-existing contract with your husband and that carries an expectation of monogamy. As long as you remain in this contract you need to honor it. if you don't want to honor it anymore, then terminate the contract first.
if you really want to pursue a new relationship then the only decent thing to do is to get divorced first so you're pursuing the new relationship as a viable single woman not as a married woman.
is the trainer serious? Well he's more likely to be serious if you were single. As long as you're still married he probably sees that you're not really "in the market" for a relationship anyway because you're tied down. so then he won't be serious about you.
if you want to pursue the relationship with the trainer then you need to get out of your marriage first. It may not work out with the trainer in the end since you can't know if any relationship will work out until you're already highly invested in it, but that's a risk you have to take. There is no free lunch in life.
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