A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:the mother of my child told me after 2 and a half years of seeing each other she was raped by an ex when she was drunk. she dosent really know excactly what happened but it has left her in a bad way what sould i do or belive?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Why would she lie? Especially about something so serious.
Rape is more common then people would imagine.
Could it be that you do not want to believe her because you do not want it to be true? Because you wouldn't have wanted her to be that hurt in the past? Or because all of a sudden she is more vulnerable than she was before and you don't know what you could do to help her? It must be a shock for you.
You really shouldn't let that fact it took her sometime to tell you as a signal that she may be lying. There are many, many reasons that she might not have told you already. She may have been in denial, she may have been too ashamed and felt too weak, she may have been affraid at the begining of your relationship that you wouldn't want "damaged goods", she may even have blamed herself for getting drunk and "allowing" this to happen.
So the answer to one of your questions: "What should I believe?", is, believe her.
The answer to your other question: "What should I do?" is, in my opinion is, ask her.
Ask her if there's anything that you can do that would help her get over what happened to her in the past. Is there anything you could do to make things easier for her.
Just ask her if there is anything you can do. She will tell you what she needs.
You could also suggest going to see councillor to her. The pain she must be going through could still be unbelievable. She will need help and support to get her life back to normal.
Good Luck.
Emivia. x
A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (22 June 2008):
 Be a man and stand by her!!!!! Not question her to see if she is lying about something serious being raped. Drunk or not.... No means No!!!! End of...... Go figure.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (22 June 2008):
Why dont you believe her? Why would she make something up like that?
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick  +, writes (22 June 2008):
 Okay, Bud, let me fix you here.
You are referring to this woman you seem to care about as the “mother of your child.” Interesting…she is not your girlfriend; she is just your “Baby-Mama” to use the street term. If she is just a Baby-Mama what difference should it make to you what happened to her in this situation. All she is to you is a Baby-Mama. Not your girlfriend or you would have said so. Not your wife or you would have said so. She is the Baby-Mama. I’m just quoting you, guy.
Just because she is your Baby-Mama, doesn’t give you the right to have a say in her private life, unless she IS your girlfriend.
But lets put that aside. Let’s say you do care enough about her that she is your girlfriend.
Not believing her story when she clearly is telling you it “left her in a bad way” is not a good action on your part. You are supposed to support her, not deny her. You say it left her in a bad way….yes, FYI, rape does happen to do that to victims. By not believing her story you are part of her problems and you are doing a lot of damage to your relationship with her by being doubtful of her.
Ask yourself this: if she were lying to you about the rape, and you think it was just a dumb drunken night of sex, how can she be so upset and “leaving her in a bad way” about it?
Put your petty Man-pride and unfounded suspicion aside and be there for her. This is your opportunity to be closer and supportive of a woman you seem to care about, not a time to shun her to the curb. By being supportive of her and she will love you more. That’s what you want isn’t it?
But maybe love is not even a factor…after all she is just a Baby-Mama.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Please don't judge her for having waited this long to tell you. I was molested when I was younger and the feelings of guilt and shame are very difficult to deal with... I can only imagine how much stronger they would be for a victim of actual rape. That she has shared this with you at all is a sign of her trust for you as it is almost certainly painful for her to remember, let alone talk about. Your job now is to support her. Don't criticize her for something over which she had no control, and DO encourage her to seek help in the form of counseling, etc. if talking it out between you and her is not enough to get the both of you past your feelings about her past. Good luck :)
x
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