A
male
age
51-59,
*yeandcoke
writes:My wife had a pituitary tumor that grew after she gave birth to our first. Another pregnancy would be risky. She asked what I thought about having another child. I said I voted no as I didn't want to lose her or take the chance of killing my daughter's mother so I could have another kid. She has since threatened to have an affair or go to a sperm bank to have another child. All the things that our daughter has grown out of are being kept for her next kid. We've fought over this a lot. She says she's not going to do it now due to the fact that the tumor has not decreased - nothing to do with me or our marriage. I can't forgive her and I am so angry. Please give me advice. I can't go on like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): you could always suggest adoption - lots of children out there needing good homes :)
A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 When i was a child, growing up on an apple farm, id watch the men every spring, go from orchard to orchard, beating the trunks of the apple trees with a chain. I was told they did this to distress the trees. The trees were tricked into thinking they were in danger of extinction and this made them produce more blossom, hence more apples.
In effect, the threat of extinction made them more productive. A primal instinct that seems to span the species.
Men will often say that a near death experience left them with erections and a strong urge to have sex immediately after the threat. Its natural to want our seed/genes to survive. I think, due to her illness, this is partly what your wife is going through.
She has a very powerful urge to produce another baby just as the apple trees wants to produce more blossom. Its not that she doesnt love you. Its not that she wants to cheat on you. She just doesnt want to die, without leaving her genes behund to live on for her. So her desire to produce more babies right now is a natural instinct controlling her emotions and over riding her common sense.
You can only keep repeating what you know to be the sensible answer to her demands and reassure her she will be ok. Please dont judge her at the moment. Lots of reassurance that she will be fine is whats needed, not anger x
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (8 April 2010):
 For a start, I'm sorry that your wife is so ill. And if I were you I would have said exactly the same thing to her - it could potentially kill her. Maybe her wanting to be a mother is to prove to herself that she is still a woman as she feels that not being able to carry diminishes her womanhood. If this is how she feels then maybe she should speak to a counsellor to get her feeling back to normal.
If she still wants to be a mother, there is a type of IVF where they can fertilise her egg with your sperm and insert it into a surrogate. Ask your wife if she would be happy to do this =]
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 April 2010):
This is something that is in itself very sad. The first thing you need to understand is that it is about a hundred times harder for a woman to not want kids than a man, just because it's naturally biological. There are some women who don't have kids and love the idea of not having kids. But most want kids, certainly more than one. So though you'e angry with her, please understand that it's a very natural feeling for her to have.
That said, she is not thinking clearly about this at all. She would be, in effect, at death's door if she tried this, and it is not fair that she should when she knows she might leave her daughter without a child. And to say she would go to a sperm bank or have an affair, really shows how little she is thinking about this. Ultimately, if this is something your wife wants, and you won't give, then you need to think about whether you should be with her. If she won't listen to sense and accept that it won't happen again, it's not the best idea for you to hang around.
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