A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been with this woman for 18 months. Our relationship has been perfect so far, no arguements, always get on. Today she had an arguement with a friend and was not very happy after. She sent me a message saying she was going for a walk and thinking about getting something sweet to snack on but seemed unsure. I made a suggestion of some fruits and yoghurt as well as her icecream suggestion. However, she feels that I meant that she should not have ice cream because it will make her fat. This has now started an arguement between the two of us, with her not really believing me saying I never meant it in that context. I did call her to explain but I don't think she's believing meWhat should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2019):
 I'd say UNLESS she ASKS you for advice on what to eat, or what is healthy, I';d leave it up to her to eat whatever she wants. Her self-image and weight is HER responsibility.
This is also one of those no win situations. You are F'd if you do and F'd if you don't. The whole "do this dress make my ass look big?" conundrum.
If you had say:" OH Ice cream sounds great! " you might have been admonished for "enabling her to eat unhealthy... And if you suggested fruit and yogurt (which actually sounds really good to me, but whatever..) you are fat-shaming.
YOU can't "WIN" that kind of question.
So next time... give her a non-committal answer, like - "what flavor?" and who knows? You might not be accused of doing something you NEVER intended on doing.
The kids wanted ice cream yesterday, as they had BOTH done REALLY well at auditions, so they GOT ice-cream, I got myself a WHOLE cantaloupe, and guess what? The bugger ate HALF of it! (and most of the ice cream).... Fruit IS good, but not ALWAYS what you want in that "moment". We have dark chocolate in the house for those once a months "moments".
Just don't bring it up.
She'll get over it.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 March 2019):
 Eating to feel better is exactly why I will live 20 years less than I could have. I'm not sure where the inalienable right to self medicate with sweets came from. If OP's girl feels as bad about yogurt as the women responding here, then her reaction has nothing to do with her weight perception and is all about gag reflex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2019): Honestly your role when she says "i'm thinking about getting ice cream" should be "yeah, that's a great idea!". Not sure WHY FRUIT AND YOGURT came into your mind as a fun snack?!?! It definitely comes off as a dig that she needs to eat healthier. I am quite thin but if my bf said that to me after I suggested getting ice cream, I would be offended.
Honestly, of all the things people buy to snack on, why would that come to mind? I'm not sure you're being entirely honest that it WASN"t a dig on her weight and fitness.
You will need to apologize this for a while.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 March 2019):
And this is how your own insecurities can wreck your relationships. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. An insecure person tends to self sabotage relationships.
If a person is self conscious about their appearance they tend to look for ulterior motives in the people who are attracted to them.
If a person feels less than equal to their partner that tends to have them thinking their partner must be cheating.
All of this unfounded suspicion leads to relationship turmoil. In this case, Our OP is trying to patch up her feelings because he likes healthy food. is it because he perceives her as overweight, or is it because she perceives herself as overweight?
For future reference, next time she wants to get a sweet treat, say, "could you pick me up a fruit and yogurt so I won't feel left out?"
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2019):
 At first I just wanted to answer : don't worry, she was moody and cranky after the argument with her friend, so she took your comment the wrong way ; don't harp on it and she'll soon forget about it.
But , at a second look, your post is more curious and interesting than it sounded at first. I guess we should have a little more context to come up with something useful.
For instance : why the weight subject did come up at all ? and why did you feel you had to make your suggestion ?
I mean, I guess that if your gf is rail thin , or in perfect shape, the issue of fat-shaming would not have even crossed her mind. So I suppose that she is a little, or a lot , overweight, or anyway that she is not happy about her real or perceived extra weight.
And, are you ? How do you deal normally with this issue ? Do you already know that weight or shape is an issue for her ? Does she know that you find her absolutely attractive just the way she is ? Or have you imprudently been raving about some skinny or hard- bodied celeb or model ? Do you often give ger unrequited advice about health, fitness and diet ?...
Now, I don't mean that you'd have to tiptoe around her insecurities and never mention food or sport or fitted clothing in order not to trigger her.
But you'll admit, I hope, that it is sort of a weird conversation ,if she says " I think I am gonna get myself some icecream " and you pip up : " no, fruit and yoghurt instead " ! .
I mean , it's just an ice cream, not radioactive cobalt ! , if once in a while she wants ice cream she does not need or require your alternative , healthier suggestion, can't she just get what she wants without taking a poll ? ? This particularly if she is NOT fat, but even if she could stand to lose a few pounds,- maybe , while she was upset and unhappy, it was not the best moment to remind her of it.
I believe that you had good intentions and you never meant anything derogatory with your comment. OTH, for her to react this way, there must be something else, something
" wrong " - or improvable- that cropped up already in your relationship , about her shape or her food choices or the way you see her or the way she wants you to see her etc.. Either that, or you just got the classical psycho GF, which I hope it's not the case ! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019): Never tell a woman to eat fruit & yogurt instead of candy or ice cream, of course she’ll take it the wrong way!
You are sounding like you are almost ordering her around or being controlling, or monitering her food, or saying “you’ll get fat” eating ice cream or “you are fat, do not eat ice cream”
She’s had a bad day, she needs a treat! Give her that and don’t offer suggestions of fruit!
If I were you I’d apologise and say you were not implying she was fat.
She is a grown woman and can eat what she likes.
Accept that or you’ll have many more arguements.
You are not a food moniter or her father, do not tell her what to eat
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019): Nothing. This is in her head. Her mood has led her to frame everything negatively. Does she do this alot? If it's a pattern, as yourself if you want to spend your life smoothing over arguments she has concocted from nowhere.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 March 2019):
 Let her cool off. Most women are sensitive about their weight/diet/body being commented on because of social standards and you picked a bad time to suggest something healthy because she’s just had an argument with a friend and wasn’t happy, which you knew.
If someone wants ice cream, they don’t want fruit and yoghurt - it’s not a yummy, sweet snack that helps people feel better. I’m not really sure why you suggested it, to be honest. Fruit and yoghurt isn’t remotely comparable to ice cream, so I can see why she thought you were implying she should eat something healthier.
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