A
male
age
41-50,
*anny1977
writes:I'm currently dating a fantastic girl. Everything was going perfect for ages until she had to do these important exams.. Her mood totally changed around this time. When we were out she was aloof and detached and unaffectionate. I felt it best to leave her alone during this period and wait until the exams were over to pick up where we left off. Her male friends advised me of this also. I sent the odd text message - 'Best of luck! See you soon' and left her be. She finished her exams on a friday and stupidly i texted her instead of calling. Heard nothing from her all weekend. When i called her on the monday she was furious. She said that she was expecting me to call as were all her friends and family. She felt like a little kid who had been stood up and wasn't prepared to be treated like that. She wants a man who is decisive and will take action, will pull her up on her moods. I reassured her that i thought i was doing the right thing and that her friends advised me to leave her alone. She said that they are her friends, i'm her boyfriend and that i should have known better. All she wanted was to hear from me.She finally agreed to meet up with me, i seemed to say the right things. The next day i sent her flowers in work, they seemed to go down well. I took her out to dinner thursday and there was no mention of the previous row or the flowers. Fair enough. It was a tad awkward but we both relaxed after a while. I walked her to the car and we had a brief kiss/cuddle. Asked her if i could see her again and she said yes. Then i pulled a voucher out of my pocket that i had bought her as a present. She got all embarrassed, gave it back to me, hopped into her car and sped off? I texted her that night and got no reply. She's away this weekend so i called her up and everything seemed fine. But again when i texted her later on - no reply. Has she gone off me? What should i do? I really like her ad don't want to loose her. She said she thinks i'm afraid of her but whenever i screw up she cuts me off. I'm unsure around her because she makes me feel unsure. I'm calling her up later just to say hello and am going to wait and see if it all blows over. Any advice for me? Am i about to be dumped? What should i do? A female perspective would be most welcome.
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male
reader, Andy00  +, writes (23 September 2007):
 I'm sorry to hear that, my friend. But in the long run, this is probably for the best. Someday you'll find someone who you'll understand a little better, and hopefully, will understand YOU better too.
A
male
reader, danny1977 +, writes (23 September 2007):
danny1977 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Folks,
she dumped me the other night. (Just after i found out my parents had spilt up - what a day)All too predictable really. Just wasn't the right girl for me. Not feeling the best at the mo'. I'll get through it though. Thanks for all the advice!
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (16 September 2007):
 I think you have done everything you can to make this work. You have told her how you feel and explained everything about how you act and why. You have made it clear to her that you care and that you are trying to please her and do the right thing. She doesn’t accept you for who you are so anymore explanation or telling her your feelings probably won’t help. I agree with the poster saying that you just seem to be mismatched. Maybe a part of her wishes to be more laid back and that is what she liked about your personality, but in the end she can’t handle this about you anyway.
My advice would be to consider it as being over. She is not communicating right now and there is nothing you can do. Leave her be and if she stops her silent treatment, then ask her what is going on. If not, consider her gone and it is not because you did anything wrong, it’s just because you two were too different after all.
Take care!
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (16 September 2007):
From what you have said in your updated responses shes def superficial and from my expeirence, superficial people are so hard to be with and it doesnt work out if you arent superfical too. I mean how can it really? Take this as a sign that you two arent meant to be. And be proud of yourself for not being superficial!
And shes giving you the silent treatment...thats just game playing. You said she was all sweet and nice hwne you first started going out...thats what eveyrone is like. But like I mentioned before, at times of stress peoples true colours show. Its when there worst side coms out. Its how people deal with issues and problems in life and how they face them (or dont face them at all) that represents a persons true character. And is quite clear that she runs away, gives people the silent treatment and takes her frustrations out on you.
This isnt right. She has a lot of issues she needs towork out BY HERSELF before she can have a healthy and good relationship with anyone. Shes not ready to be in a realtionship, despite probably being in her 30s. Sad isnt it. You should be mature at that age and worked out most of the issues you have, but she still is clearly immature, and cant express how she feels, instead she plays silly games.
Its time to realise she isnt who you first met, BUT there is some girl out there who will be like that girl you dream of. So give up on this one, its causing you too much pain, so unless you are willing to be put through hell for so many years while she lives in denial of havign any issues, for the hope that one day she will wake up and realise and then take steps to change, and then that could take a few more years and even then not work....end it now.
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A
male
reader, danny1977 +, writes (15 September 2007):
danny1977 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again folks,
many thanks again for all the replies! As it stands at the mo i'm at home waiting for a response to a call i made to her earlier. I'm not exactly waiting with baited breath.. Thanks to 'anonymous' for the reply. I think you are spot on. I couldn't give a monkeys about what others think, my gf does and herein lies the problem. I'm big into spirituality and she scoffs at that sort of carry on.. i can't help but feel like its a dig at me. As it stands now i called her earlier - no answer. Left a message - no answer.. fairly oninous signs all round. I really liked her still. When she's switched off from her 'career' persona she's so sweet. She even kisses like a girl. I find her adorable in that sense. Its just when the barriers come down that i'm completely lost.. She says that she would only ever break up face-to-face so why the silent treatment? I hate playing games but find myself in the midst of one right now. It hurts.. what ever happened to the lovely girl i started going out with??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): It just sounds like you guys are not really a good match. You are very laid back and real. She is very uptight and a bit superficial. And you guys are not complementing each other at all.
You don't get her and she doesn't get you. And I am not saying that either of you are necessarily wrong here. You are just two very different people. I mean it is very possible that she will meet a guy who fits her personality a lot better than you do. Someone who might understand her better. Who lives his life for the opinions of other, too. And you will meet a girl laid back like you who will love you for YOU and will make you feel like a million bucks. Will think you are funny when you are drunk no matter who is around and will answer your texts with diligence.
She is a person who is all caught up in keeping up appearances. You clearly don't care at all. Neither of you are wrong for being who you are. You two are just utterly mismatched. You could keep trying to appease her but I don't think that this relationship is going to last (sorry to be so blunt, I am trying to be honest). The good news is that you WILL eventually meet a girl so much more your type, that you are going to like so much more, it's not even funny. Probably even LOVE.
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A
male
reader, danny1977 +, writes (15 September 2007):
danny1977 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Folks,
thanks so much for the feedback! Its really helping me get my head together. I think you're right when you say she's insecure. She's very career driven and very independent and is the opposite to me in lots of respects. (She has a high powered job - i'm a graphic artist) Her big thing was that people were asking her where i was last weekend. So i made her look bad in their eyes. I hope that the flowers i sent to her office helped her gain some face in this regard. I don't know where this insecurity stems from, but she seems to overcompensate for it by talking the talk about her career and all about her goals in life. By hearing this i feel like i'm not fitting the bill. Like i'm too laid back for her. We had a falling out some months back. Her friend came in from abroad and i had a little too much to drink.. I knew i messed up but couldn't quite remember what i did. She ignored me for a few days. I was texting her frequently (impersonnel i know). when we eventually spoke on the phone it was awkward, i knew something was up. Then i get a message wondering why i didn't mention meeting up again? So basically when she gets upset, she ignores me, and then i'm supposed to do the chasing? The last time we were out just before her exams was horrible. I went to kiss her goodbye and she nearly recoiled. I told her all of this on the phone last monday and she started screaming about how stressed she was.. Ok i get that but why treat me this way? I told her that i'm not a mind reader, that i thought i was doing the right thing and that it would be bad for us to finish over this. (Make no mistake - she was dumping me)It seems like everything has to be suerficially perfect and i'm meant to know when no means yes and vice versa. I also told her on the phone last monday how i feel about her, how i thought about her all the time when she was studying and i can't help but feel that she saw those revelations as some sort of weakness. The last thing i want to do is come across as being needy but this is hard work i can teel you. I'm moving home at the mo', my parents are having marriage difficulties and i'm not eating/sleeping right. I just feel so torn and worn out. I feel like i've come across as being weak in her eyes and that trait is not appealing to any woman. She says that i'm scared of her and she wants somebody who will stand up to her. If you are sitting beside somebody on a night out who is clearly stressed out, detached and does not want to be there and were to ask them - 'What the hell is wrong with you?' do you think you would get a favourable response? I can't win..
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (15 September 2007):
Hmm her behaviour is rather confusing to me. Perhaps its because the way shes treating you isnt right or healthy? I wouldnt do half the things shes been doing to you. It seems to me shes being too hard on you, immature and disrespectful. Now Im not here to pick on your gf, but simply trying to make you see what the reality may be and if you can see the reality and think ratioanlythen you will be able to make the best decision for YOU, and not wait around for her to say whether you guys are going to continue dating.
First off all she cant deal with her emotions well which ends up affecting you badly. What I mean by this is that when she faces a stressful situation she becomes detached and shuts right down. This isnt good for her OR for you. She would be much better off talking about how she feels and venting her stress. They say a persons true colours show when they are face a probelm or stressful situation- its like the ultimate test and if they cant stand up still...well it represents who they are doesnt it.
I think shes being unrealistic. You sent her a text but she expected you to call her? Come on..its not like you dont care. You do! Some guys woudlnt even bother to send a text. Howeveer person shes just one of those people who are totaly against sms/texting? I guess it is less imtimate but I can see that your heart was in the right place and thats what matters. Dont beat yourself up about it and say it was stupid. There is noting stupid about caring.
She seems immature. Rather then saying 'hey it upset me when you did this'...she ignores you and cuts contact. Or she runs away (like she did in the car park). I think you really need to consider whether or not you can put up with this sort of behaviour? Its obviously hurtful to you. Your best bet would be telling her how sshe makes you feel when she does these things and if shes a caring and considerate person she will realise what shes doing is hurtful and take steps to stop it.
Have you asked her why she doesnt reply to your texts? Whats her reasons? Does she even get them? Or is she just being rude and not replying?
I duno if shes about to dump you, it seems to me like shes more of a game player then anything. Do you want to be in a relationship where your 'partner' plays games with you? Where you feel so unsure all the time and worried? Do you want to be in a relationship where everytime the going gets rough she withdraws rather then sticks with you so you can BOTH support ech other through? It seems liek she hasnt yet learnt that when you are in a bad situation or are feeling down, you should confide in your partner, not shut down...
So either you accept that she is like this and put up with it. Or you talk to her about how she makes you feel and give her a chance to work on herself. Or you realise she wont change and you will continue to get put through this and consider leaving?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): hmm. I don't really know. How old is she?? She sounds really immature, sort of. Only because I feel like she doesn't speak up and say what is on her mind. Like why did she just walk away when you gave her that voucher??
The thing where you didn't call her on Friday, I could see where that would piss her off. But an adult would eventually forgive and forget. But she seems very uptight and resentful. She seems insecure. And like if she is mad at you why can't she just tell you "oh I'm mad at you for this or that reason." Instead she just doesn't text you back. And it's not even like these are real big things either.
I don't know the whole story and I could go on about how she sounds a bit childish but I feel as though there is a lot about this relationship that you are not telling us. I feel like there is a DEFINITE reason for her insecurity and childishness with you. But you didn't tell us what it was.
But she definitely feels insecure and because of it acts childish.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (15 September 2007):
I don't think you've really done anything wrong here. If you hadn't acknowledged her at all, I could understand, but you did send her a text. You aren't psychic! You didn't know that she wanted you to ring, and it wouldn't have taken much work for her to ask you to.
I'm sure all will become clear in the near future. In the mean time, I wouldn't speculate too much. The more you worry about it, the more likely things you don't want will happen. Just take each day as it comes, and hopefully, she will come out of this little phase.
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): hi there, this is a very complicated problem! this girl may have been under a lot of stress from her exams, but thats no excuse to treat you this way. You may have made a few mistakes in the past, but you are only human! I think the best thing to do is to give her some time on her own, and when you think its enough, arrange a meeting where you can have a private chat, and discuss your feelings and where the relationship is going. Its time clear the air and find out where you stand. Good luck!
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