A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologize in advance for anything I'm not making sense on. I've had this issue before and now its cropped up again but this time it's even worse.Just over 4 months ago me and my girlfriend finally came to an agreement that she wouldn't smoke cigarettes as after 6 whole months of trying to convince her (even my parents got involved and they both smoke) what they are like and to not have them, I finally gave in and told her to have one to which she replied a few days later saying she felt extremely sick and told me that If she ever wants one again I am to remind her of how it made her feel so she will not feel the need to have one.It originally started of in October last year where she simply got curious and wanted to try one, having had one myself at the age of 19 I couldn't say no so I agreed to it despite my internal objections (I'm heavily against it, it's not only disgusting but it makes me cough violently if I even so much as smell it, I used to have asthma as a child). She tried one and said she loved how it tasted, smelled and felt in her hands and after that point I couldn't hold my objections back, and thus 6 whole months of constant bickering and feeling like the worst people in the world began.To begin with it started of with me not liking them and not wanting to be in a relationship with a smoker, but after a while I focused more on how it would affect her and our future (she wants to go on massive holidays, afford our own house and have a fancy wedding, all of which I see smoking as a hindrance to those plans) so I tried to persuade her not to have anymore, but despite my objections she still wanted them.Fast forward to now and ever since last week she's been getting cravings to have them again, and even though I've reminded her of what she felt she doesn't seem to want to listen. She says to me that she feels that she did it too quickly so she might get a different result this time, and she also says that she for some reason she likes the idea of being identified as a smoker as she thinks it looks cool.I've tried telling her that the result will most likely be the same but for some reason it isn't detering her even though she said she never wanted to experience that sick feeling ever again. The worst part is she knows how it makes me feel and she knows that I'm trying to stop her because I care about her health and wellbeing, but she still wants to do it regardless.She says a part of her is holding her back because she cares about my feelings and doesn't want to hurt or upset me, but when I asked her why she can't just admit she wants them but doesn't have them if she's that concerned about hurting me she says doesn't know why and can't promise that she won't have them.Now it feels like she doesn't really care that much about me or herself and only wants to do it because she thinks it looks cool and she wants to experience it again. I'm very close to just ending the relationship but I don't want to as despite this one issue we have a lot in common and don't really argue about anything else.I ask of you, do you have any suggestions or things I can say to change her mind or is there no point and I should just give in and let her smoke?.Also thought I should note, we're not living together, she's 23 going on 24 this year and she doesn't drive. Thank you for taking your time to read this and I apologize if things don't make sense or I've brushed over an important bit.
View related questions:
violent, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 July 2016):
 I remember reading your original post, and it is simple really, if she starts smoking end it.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 July 2016):
 You can't "let" her smoke; she's not a child and she's not yours to control.
It's a deal breaker, so leave. She loves the attention and won't stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 July 2016):
 So it's a deal breaker? Then why are you still with her?
You are NOT a shining knight in armor and she is NOT a damsel in distress.
YOU are both grown people, while I FULLY understand your wanting her to be healthy and NOT have the same fate as several of your family members... you STILL can NOT control her, her feelings, her thoughts, her actions....
So there isn't ANYTHING you can do short of leaving her. It MIGHT make her reconsider just how "cool" smoking is to her.
And I fully agree with YouWish... You GF is an attention monger. While she might claim oh how much she loves smoking... she isn't just smoking because it's cool. It's for the attention, even the negative and fussy ones from you.
For me cheating is a deal-breaker (I have a few) and my BF before I met my husband cheated, so I ended it. I walked away. Now the cheating wasn't the only reason I ended it, but a deal breaker IS a deal breaker or... it's not.
I GET that you love her and want to be with her for all eternity.... if ONLY you could fix this smoking thing... But here is the deal... As things stands now, she WANTS to be a smoker. Do you WANT to b with a smoker?
There is no magic fix to make her stop. It HAS to come from her, from within HER. Not you. Not her parents, your parents, her friends, co-workers, stranger on the internet... NO, from HER.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 July 2016):
 I won't take away from the excellent advice of my fellow aunts here, and I say you should read them to the hilt.
But this is about smoking ONLY on the surface.
This is her bit to get attention from you. Come on. You fuss over her not smoking, talk at length, get contracts from her not to smoke, she talks about wanting you to remind her of her "nauseous" feeling from her first cigarette??
Your girlfriend LOVES the bickering! She LOVES the drama. She's LOVING your attention. You're giving her extended feelings of ego-boost by fussing over her smoking. For 6 months, she's been getting stroked by you at length, had you worrying over her, basically your fervor of your bickering is conveying to her how strongly you feel about her, even if it's not the message you're meaning to or wanting to convey.
Not only that, but she doesn't drive, yet she has YOU there driving, and fussing, and worrying, and lavishing attention. If she feels you drifting apart, oh boy do the "sudden" cig cravings start, and then you're by her side again.
It's very well possible that she could have gotten addicted within 6 months, but this isn't the behavior of a long-time smoker who likes her habit. Her real addiction is your attention, negative or otherwise.
Her: "I'm thinking of smoking"
You: **ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION** taking time you'll never get back by explaining why it's a bad idea for her
Her: "It makes me look cool"
You: **LAVISH MORE ATTENTION** explaining at length the health problems it would very much bother you if she were to develop.
And I could go on and on.
I agree with the other aunts that you can't control someone who wants to smoke. But you can't keep rewarding her with attention on this topic.
Here's my advice:
Make the next smoking conversation go like this...
Her: "I'm having a hard time resisting the cigarette"
You: "I do not, nor will I ever date a smoker. Smoking is a dealbreaker. If you are a smoker, we're over. I will not go back and forth with you about it. My health will not permit me to be around smoke or the smell of smoke. This is the last time I address this subject. What is your decision?"
Then she has to decide. I'm guessing that she'll say that she won't smoke, but she'll try to bring the conversation up again. If you catch her with a cig, then break up. I'm not saying to control her, but you mean what you say about dating smokers.
She's only been talking about this for 6 months. She was not a smoker when you met her. You're not trying to control her or change her. You can only control YOUR actions.
But you have to mean what you say. If she talks again about cigs after this final discussion, change the subject or stop paying attention. If she talks about cigs, treat it like she passed gas in the room and make it an embarrassed silence before switching topics.
She's after your attention, not cigs. In all other things, be the charming, great guy. But no more fighting, lecturing, or attention of any kind when it comes to cigs. If she smokes, end the relationship without any more explanation. If she tries to draw you into the drama, don't reward her. Change the conversation. End the date if she persists, Go home.
You'll find that if it's really about the cigs, then she's not the one for you. If it's about the attention you give her over the subject, she'll stop and FAST, and you'll never hear about cigs again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here, just thought I should point out a few things.Yes to me it's a dealbreaker, but only because I care so much about her health and wellbeing. I've already lost 3 relatives to lung cancer because of the stuff and I don't want to wake up one day to find out she has cancer herself because of them. I'd rather fight it so she never gets it than let her smoke.Also she doesn't actually smoke at the moment, this is more she wants to start smoking or at least try it again as she's convinced that the experience she got wasn't normal, even though it's a very common occurrence for a first time smoker.The basic rundown is she likes how it smells (she even likes the smell of weed, which baffles me as the stuff smells vile), she likes how it tastes, she likes holding them and she likes the sensation of it going down her throat, the only thing she doesn't like is the feeling of sickness it gave her when she properly did it.To me it makes no sense to go back to something when you know that you don't like how it made you feel afterwards. The time I tried a cigarette I absolutely hated it (I was somewhat drunk at this point and someone offered it to me) and I've never wanted to go back to the stuff, so I just can't comprehend why she would want them again even though she doesn't like how it made her feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2016):
In short?
No, there isn't anything you can say or do that will make her stop.
All YOU can do is decide DO I want to be with a smoker or not. If it's not, then you break up. If you can live with it, then you will have to either set rules (such as she doesn't light up around you), but generally suck it up.
I smoked for a while in my 20's, most of my friends and peers did too, and so did my dad. So it seemed the "norm". I really didn't like how it made my hand smell, my hair smell, my house smell and I found that side of it hard to deal with as it kind of "clashed" with my OCD. It took me 3 tries to quit, but I did and I'm glad for it. My husband however, smoked too when I met him, but NEVER around me. He would go outside on the patio to smoke so the kids and I weren't "smoked" on. As much as I wanted him to quit (and yes, I suggested different methods for him) I found that you can't MAKE a smoker quit IF they do not WANT to quit. But you know what? HE did quit. It took him having a heart-attack, but hey... he hasn't smoked in 3 years after having smoked for 30.
Know what I know now, I probably wouldn't have dated him in the first place due to the smoking (and a few other things). But that is all 20/20 hindsight.
So.... it comes down to this, DO YOU want to date someone who smokes, someone who rather "look" cool than be healthy?
She SHOULDN'T quit smoking because of you. She should quit because she knows it's a rotten habit to have. However, I think with your GF the whole "looking cool" is much more important than being SMART.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 July 2016):
Ever heard the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot focus it to drink"?
We all have to go down our own road of suffering. You holding on to her and trying to stop her from going down that road, is like trying to stop a truck from rolling down a hill. Your intent is good, but you will be the one to suffer if you try...which you are now.
She loves her way of life more than your lives together. The best thing to do is to step back and let her go her way. Trying to force her will lead to her doing it when you are not around, which will lead to other problems.
So the question now is....What is more important to you...A continued battle over someone else's choice of life? Or...Finding that someone who connects with you on the same views of life?
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 July 2016):
I couldn't be with a smoker. That's a deal breaker of mine, so I'm lucky my boyfriend gave up before we met. However, just a few words in your post sums it up for me: "she thinks it looks cool". That's immature thinking for a 23/24 year old. Mission Impossible and Fast & Furious looks cool, but you don't do it because it's dangerous.
Sure, smoking looked cool in the Grease days (and the decades before), vintage art, etc., before it was known how bad it was for you, but the level of art and media with it has lessened and laws have tightened on where you can do it.
You can't make her stop. Is it a deal breaker for you?
...............................
|
