A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend use to have a boyfriend who in a way, forced her to do certain sexual activities, I've done those things with her and a lot more and without forcing her into anything. She knows I'm a freak in bed, and as a guy, I'm constantly thinking about sex. Well we haven't had sex for a month or two and I just feel desperate. I'm completely faithful to her and I love her with all my heart, but I just wanted to let her know how I feel. She understands, we have alot of reasons why we haven't had sex. Apparently I always say things the wrong way, ok I still live with my mom, lost my job but trying to find a new one. She was telling me that if my mom wanted someone to clean her house that she would do it for little or no pay since my mother is sick and at my age I don't know much about detergents and what not. I told her, "I just hope I don't rape you", I let her know I was playing and in a playing around way, she said "I hope that doesn't happen". I told her it won't, even thought I feel desperate and I miss being with you. Now she just thinks that I only want sex from her and even told me that I remind her of that ex-boyfriend.. I'm trying to apologize for the way I said things, I don't even know how it sounded so wrong if she's my girlfriend.. I feel that it's pretty messed up that she said I sound just like him, I'm only being myself and I'm speaking my mind, I don't know what type of advice I'm trying to ask for here, but at least, I need an opinion on the subject. How can I make things up to her at least? She still talks to me, but she doesn't even say I love you.. I know she loves me, but what can I do, already tried letting her know what I was thinking and I didn't mean it the wrong way..
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male
reader, crazydirtyred +, writes (3 December 2008):
Ok, it was my question, I joined since this site is very interesting. emily, thanks alot I'm going to follow your advice, also uncle phil, thank you. I do think alot more about sex since I'm not getting any, and I don't know if telling her that it might be possible to fall into temptation, or is it? Last two times we had phone sex, it was her that broad it up, just to add that to my list of comments haha. Reason why she might be off the sex tap is because she recently tried becoming a christian, but she failed there which is too bad, I may be against religion but it teaches alot of good things that can be used in life. I think that she wants to live her life the right way and wants to wait 'til we get married, which is very respectable even though it's stressing since we've had sex many times already.. What can I do to keep my mind of it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): You never say to a woman, I hope I don't rape you. That's a really horrible thing to say and make any women be on their guard. What type of guy says something like that? Maybe you should think before you speak, if your saying things you don't mean. Well stop and think, cause your pushing her further away.
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (3 December 2008):
Unfortunately, sometimes those we love can push our buttons the most - that's b/c we are closest to them on an emotional level. You know you were teasing, but she took the comment seriously. This subject is a button pusher for her. Those triggers can have a deep psychological impact on us, for a long time after. We don't always realize just how much of an impact what we say and what we do can have on another. We don't always know how they will react, even if we have the best of intentions. Relationships are work, and sometimes we have to restructure, or change, ourselves to best suit the needs of our partner.If she really loves you, she will tell you so again, in her own time. She is still associating that playful comment you made with her past, so she is still suffering repercussions from her past. Maybe since she has not healed, she needs to take the time to do so by herself. Or, she could choose to involve you in her healing, though that can take awhile, and can be a difficult road to travel, involving lots of time, talking, caring, and making oneself vulnerable. It may take professional counseling, whether she pursues that on her own, or you do it together.She is probably harboring feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment about this past relationship. What happened sounds like a form of abuse. Looking back, people often don't understand why they chose to do what they did in an abusive situation, but at the time, they did not know what else to do in many cases, so they just go along with it. So they have a feeling of regret, hence the guilty feeling that what happened was their fault in essence, b/c at the time they chose to participate, though in hindsight they wished they hadn't. Sexual encounters can have a deep, lasting psychological impact on us, even if at the time we choose to participate. They can leave us feeling dirty and used afterward, if the circumstances are right, and we do something we are not really okay with in our heads.Maybe from time to time you could remind her how you feel about her by telling her. And maybe from time to time you could let her know that you miss making love to her...not for the physical aspect, but b/c you truly want to have an emotional connection with her, emotional intimacy on all levels (some of which is nourished through being physically intimate). Making love is called that for that very reason, b/c it is just one way that a couple can express their feelings toward one another.I told my fiance just last night that the reason I have not wanted to have sex (yes, that's how I phrased it) was not b/c I did not desire him, not b/c I was not attracted to him...but rather that when I don't want to, more than likely it is b/c there is some psychological reason behind it, and that unfortunately usually overrides and gets in the way of wanting to be with him physically.When I am upset at not being able to find work, about my mother's Alzheimer's, about my teenager's behavior, it does not get in the way of our "lovemaking". What does get in the way is when I am upset with my fiance and something he has said or done. I am not trying to intentionally withhold sex as a payback to him...I am truly not able to connect with him emotinally at that time, so that has a domino effect on the physical aspects of our relationship.I know it will be hard (no pun intended!), but if you can try to hold off having sex for a little while longer...and touch your gf in non-sexual ways, such as kisses on the forehead, cheek, hugs, holding her hand, putting your arm around her shoulder, and not trying to take it any further...besides reminding her that you love her, care for her, you are there for her if and when she needs you...and don't bring up the subject of sex at all...you may find she may come around in her own time, if she's not feeling pressured to have sex.I know it is difficult for you to understand how can she feel pressured to have sex when we haven't for a month or 2...but I think she does, unfortunately b/c of this past relationship. And though you're just playing around, sexual comments, as innocent as they may be, seem to be an emotional and psychological trigger for her. When we love someone, sometimes we have to tailor what we say and do, so as not to offend or upset them. That's just the way it is, but if we really love them and want to be with them, that's what we have to do. We get to know what we can and can't get away with saying and doing! Good luck to you and your gf.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): I bet sex is on your mind more than ever now because you're not getting any. That's natural. Like Emily says, what you said wasn't in the best possible taste, and the problem that arises when saying something is that you can't 'un-say' it. A big bunch of flowers and a huge box of chocs with a profound apology might go some way to improving matters. Worth a try anyway. If you don't have any cash, ask her if you can borrow 50 bucks (that was a joke, by the way).
You have to impress upon her that forcing her into something she doesn't want to do is the last thing on your mind, but that you might fall into temptation if another woman comes along offering what you're not getting at home - it was ever thus.
The bottom line is that you need to find out why she's turned off the sex tap (faucet) and if there's anything that can be done to get her to open it again.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 December 2008):
It was a stupid thing to say and there is going to be no magical thing to say to make it better.
You have to prove yourself to her.
Try harder to get a job. Be the best boyfriend you can be. Send her texts saying you are thinking about her and how beautiful she is.
DO NOT bring up sex again for a long while so she does not feel that everything you are doing, you are doing hoping to get in her pants for it.
Kiss her but don't go any further so she knows you are always going to want her lovingly but not just to get as far as you can.
Good Luck!! xx
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