A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm going to apologize ahead for giving so many details in this, but I feel they're all relevant, as this whole situation has completely confused me. So about 2 months ago, I met this girl throughout a mutual friend.. hung out.. cuddled/hugged, kissed a few times. I thought I finally found a girl I liked (most girls just don't appeal to me, even if very attractive). I ask her to hang out a couple days later and she says "sure!" then when the day comes.. she flops on it (cancels) last minute saying she's with her friend (she's with her best friend like 5-6 days a week). Then the weekend after comes and we hang out for like 8 hours, and just made out and all that stuff. We chilled again, this time her friend was there. Then chilled a couple more times with her being pretty drunk (and her friend being there for half the time). But anyway, long story short... this is a girl who says she misses me and has said numerous times she really likes me, but makes almost no time for me. A couple times we've chilled, it was her friend suggesting for me to tag along (since the friend was planning on seeing the guy she was dealing with). But at the end, it just sucks because if I wanna be with someone, I like to see them 2-3x a week.... and when I asked her how often she saw her exs.. she said "every couple days obviously, it's my boyfriend." She also broke out the question of why I havent "asked her out yet" (one of those girls who you have to ask "will you go out with me" , since she's still in high school... - me being 19 years old). So obviously one would think she doesn't think we're exclusive... but last week I brought up the topic of cheating, and before going further she says "I thought that was your way of telling me you had sex with another girl and cheated on me." And the situation gets even more confusing because her telling me she misses me a lot... doesn't go well with the fact that she sees other close friends as much or more than me (while seeing her best friend like everyday). And I feel I deserve a bit more than this. I'm a fairly above average guy, dedicated into bodybuilding-powerlifting/straight A student-hoping to become a doctor/fairly handsome/own a 2011 car/into investments-finance ... and always get complimented on having a great personality (by girls) as well as other things.So what really gives? It's hard for me to walk away since I rarely ever like a girl and want a relationship (most often it's just I want the one time sex and that's it). Then you have this girl who tells me she really likes me/always misses me but either cancels plans whenever she's gonna see me.. or rarely makes a plan to see me. This girl has dated 3 guys before me.. (which isn't a lot obviously). But I guess end of the day, I'm just really frustrated. I'm on an academic path with limited free time, and when that free time is thrown into the garbage.... it becomes extra frustrating. To make things worse, I've dealt with something similar before but it was cause her parents didn't know.... and just looking ahead, it seems that ideal/consistent/stress free fun relationship isn't gonna happen anytime soon. So... thoughts anyone?FYI she is a couple years younger than me.
View related questions:
best friend, cheated on me, drunk, her ex, sex with another Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, NathanJBurke  +, writes (3 August 2012):
 With having read only a part of the query, the general theme seems to be you both have seperate love styles (for more information check out Gary Chapman's book "The 5 Love Languages")
I'm going to assume there IS a connection here and not just you being lead on for convenience / fun.
If you think of love and intimacy as a tank of fuel that requires special gas/petrol to keep the car running efficiently, then so too do each of require our own type of love to keep us running smoothly in our relationships.
It seems that what you need to feel "full" is Quality Time (I sense that 2-3 times together a week for you may not mean 2-3 FULL days but rather 2-3 times of quality, in the moment, TWOgether, time).
Your partner may simply require Physical Touch to keep her love tank full. And since, on a number of occasions, you spend your time kissing, hugging, touching each other then chances are she is feeling ALL FULL.
There may be more issues at work here if love is not the point where you're at, and my having not read the query in it's entirety may have lead you down the garden path -- especially if this is just the flirting or courtship periods.
If you'd like to drop me a line you are welcome to [email address blocked]
L&L
Nathan
***
Nathan is the CEO & Principal Counsellor at Nathan Burke | Coaching where his focus is on relationship coaching and counselling for men 18-35.
He has a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from James Cook University, Australia, and is a qualified NLP Master Practitioner through Tim Hallbom of the NLP Institute of California, USA.
For help and advice you can contact Nathan at [email address blocked]
L&L
Nathan
***
Nathan is the CEO & Principal Counsellor at Nathan Burke |
Coaching where his focus is on relationship coaching and counselling for men 18-35.
He has a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from James Cook
University, Australia, and is a qualified NLP Master Practitioner through the NLP Institute of California, USA.
For help and advice you can contact Nathan at [email address blocked]
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): I guess I'm not sure because last couple times she's been drunk so I've never had a face to face conversation with her about making it official. But she's said things like:
" I'm with you now"
" Don't ever 'fake break up' with me as a joke"
And like I said, she got all freaked out when I asked her what she considers cheating and she said she thought I was gonna tell her I hooked up with another girl.
I did think the same thing but, but given all this... is one little conversation suddenly going to make her want to see me all the time. I don't understand how that's logical at all...
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 July 2012):
I don't understand, is she your girl friend or not? It sounds like she would only make that time for someone if that person IS indeed her boyfriend. You've never once said that you were her boyfriend. So what gives? Why don't you ask her?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): Thanks for the answer. To be honest what I'm thinking now is just seeing her whenever it comes around and trying to have her sex with whenever it can happen. I know this doesn't sound the best, but neither is the way she's treating me. And being in the situation I am academically and with other things in life... I don't have a large amount of free time from september-april to seek out possible girls to date.
It's normally, be celibate for few months at a time until some some girl shows up somewhere and does the work to get to me. And that's heavily frustrating me now, and hence when I do find someone to possibly date.. of course it will go wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, lindsay34dd  +, writes (11 July 2012):
Hi. I understand your situation as I have been on the receiving end of it from a guy. When people want to see someone they make time for them. Sure other friends are important, but at potentially the start of a relationship they shouldn't really be spending more time with their friends, they should want to hang out with their new partner.So the reason she says she likes you and misses you - she either does or she is a girl who doesn't like to upset people so says what sounds best. Ultimately you have to forget what she says, ignore it, because as Ive learnt, actions speak louder than words. The fact is, she is not acting like she misses you because she seems content to allow your valuable free time to go by without snapping up the opportunity to see you. It seems she likes being chased, likes the idea that you are there waiting in the background in case she fancies meeting up, likes the thought of an older, handsome boy who doesn't normally do relationships, seeming to want to see her. But actually is playing you.Best thing to do, cut down the contact with her, stop asking to meet her, don't pay her compliments, dont tell her you miss her or like her. If she says it to you , react in a cool way and keep her at arms length and casual. It will be really hard at first, but it is honestly the only way. Two things will happen if she genuinely does like you and miss you. 1) she will wonder why your behaviour is changing, it will panic her, she will worry you are moving on. 2) SHE will be the one to suggest meeting you because she will need to confirm to herself that she can still have you. When she asks to meet you again (and she will), dont say yes straight away because if she thinks you are still there that easily than you will just have given her the satisfaction she needed and she will cancel againYou need to make her work for it.Good luck
...............................
|
