A
male
age
36-40,
*heguyeh
writes:My girlfriend ran into a porn website that I visited on my phone, and quickly got very angry and started mentioning that now she should go look for guys her age and fantasize about them having sex with her. I kept my mouth shut to keep the situation from getting out of hand. (If she looked at porn though I wouldn’t mind).Let me back up a littleBefore her and her son moved in with me about 8 months ago, I would regularly watch porn for relief. Sometimes once a week or sometimes twice day, it varied. After she moved in of course I didn’t need/want to look at porn, and just stuck to masturbating in the shower. Then a little time went by and I decided I needed a little extra visual stimulation. So I went back to occasionally looking at porn while she was at work.During that time I had found out that some guy at her work had been trying to come on to her and grab her butt. I broke down crying and told her that this is probably my karma for having looked at some porn, and told her I wouldn’t do it again.Some time went by and masturbating in the shower got old again. So I told myself it would be ok if I just pulled up a picture once in a blue moon. I felt it would keep my eyes from wandering and gave me some relief.Now back to her recent discovery…Emotionally she’s been up and down. She’s clearly very mad at me and hurt because I told her I wouldn’t do it again, but I feel like I was just keeping it private, and it’s only been like twice in the last two months, nothing addictive.She says she doesn’t know if she want’s to stay in the relationship, and asked me why she should. I told her because I’m a guy and I’m not perfect.I am a wonderful boyfriend to her and a great co-parent to her little son. She always tells me how I am amazing and perfect for her. Well until now I guess.I’m 28 and she’s 22. I met her when she was 19 and I was 25. She’s always admitted she likes older guys, and I’ve always loved who she was as a person more than the fact that she’s younger. I just saw it as a perk that I have a hot young girlfriend. The site I like focuses on soft-core self shot pictures of 18, 19, 20+ yr, college girls. I’m not really into fake boobs and hardcore stuff. So what do I do? Was I wrong for keeping it private? I already wrote her a letter explaining that nothing could compare to her, that they’re just pictures. Should I back off and give her time to get over it? Is there anything I should do to help her understand?I feel miserable cause she's such a sweet girlfriend to me :'(-H
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male
reader, theguyeh +, writes (18 July 2013):
theguyeh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right guys i just needed to back off, give her time to digest this new image of me as you say. Although I am still the same guy, and i'd rather her have this new image of me than some fantasy perfect guy that I'm not.
But yes giving her space and empathizing is helping. She also saw how much of a toll it was taking on me, and recognized she was taking it a little too far.
I know there is still a lot that needs to be sorted out, but as suggested for now I'll back off and let her miss me...
Thanks again guys.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): Well you should first decide if you are willing to give up porn for her. Don't make promises you won't or can't or don't really want to keep. Then be honest with her if you really don't see yourself giving it up. I mean, even once in a blue moon?The thing is for women like her, it is absolute black and white. No porn means never ever not even once every 10 years. You can be "good" for 10 years then look at porn once and the past 10 years suddenly mean nothing to her. To her and women like her she has a zero tolerance policy. So there is no compromise unless she shifts her views on what porn means to her. Or unless you sincerely swear to give it up forever and mean it. Don't say you will do it when what you really mean is you will just intend to never get caught again. That's dishonest and makes you a liar. If you honestly don't see yourself being able to give it up for real forever as long as you're with her then don't tell her you will no matter how angry or upset she gets. In the end this could be a deal breaker because this is one of those issues where there is no compromise. Because even one violation is a violation to her. Just be honest and if the relationship ends over this, its for the best. The best you can do is try to persuade her to change her views on porn. But honestly while some women can and do change their views on it (such as me) it rarely happens due to the boyfriend or husband advocating for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): I suggested to you earlier not to try talking to her; to just leave her alone.
I also mentioned that she would see through anything you said. When a person is angry it is hard to reason with them.
Once more, I suggest that allow her time to think. The more you talk and plead a case; the more guilty you sound, and the more aggravating you'll come across.
Remember this?
"Back off. Leave her alone. Let her cool off, and stay out of her face. Groveling is just proof of your guilt. Just be nice, loving, sincere, and truthful. Let her miss you."
I offered this suggestion for a reason.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2013):
 P.S. Don't push on her right now to settle what is okay and what is not. Pushing her now is the equivalent of backing her into a corner and if she's still emotional about it, the answer you get back may be 'no,' when in fact in a week or two when she sees that you're basically the same guy she fell in love with, she will soften and perhaps empathize with you some more. Just do your damnedest to empathize with her and if the two of you really work on that piece, you'll get even closer than you were.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2013):
Give her some time to digest her altered view of you. She had a certain image of what you were like and now with the discovery of the porn and the discussions you've been having, there is new information that likely doesn't mesh much with her fantasy picture of you.
It's extremely disconcerting to discover just how sexual a man is, and just precisely how little of that sex drive is a loving act but more a way to empty the testicles. For many women, sex is about showing physical love and the idea that you are looking at images of other women takes a lot of that loving feeling out of it for us. I'm not saying that's good or bad or that wanting to look at gorgeous naked younger women is so wrong, I'm just pointing out that this has led to a disconnect in her psyche that she has to sort through.
I'll tell you one thing, it really takes the shine off the knight's armor to find out he wanks to pictures of teenybopper types. The admiration and respect level drops significantly, which is what you are feeling from her. She's annoyed that you aren't that perfect guy who exists somewhere out there in female fantasy land.
So while you are busy NOT comparing her to those images you pulled up on your phone, she IS busy comparing the newly unveiled you to that image she'd had of you. And unfortunately the new you has a couple of warts, metaphorically speaking.
I don't think it's awful for you to want to look at pretty naked women or to masturbate. That's kind of normal, ya know? But she's young still and has some wisening up to the world to do….
P.S. If she thinks she's just a masturbatory aid for you, then she's not going to feel all that interested in helping you along in that regard. So be very careful not to make her feel like a sexual vending machine, okay?
Hang in there, it'll get better if you recognize that the new you is on display. Make this one a keeper and you'll be just fine.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 July 2013):
 I don't blame you for starting to feel angry. She's made her point -- continuing to harp on it is hardly productive.
She clearly feels you committed a serious wrong. You understand how she feels, but at the same time you don't think it was that wrong. It may be that your value systems can never sync on this subject. As trivial as this issue seems, it may be a sign of irreconcilable differences.
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A
male
reader, theguyeh +, writes (17 July 2013):
theguyeh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell just when i thought things were getting better, she's still angry. I'm not sure if she just wants to leave me or if she's just mad, or both.To you answer your question, our sex life was great. We had sex 4-8 times a week. When we first started living together i wanted sex at least once a day and in the mornings before work. She told me she doesn't like to be woken in the mornings. I decided to meet her in the middle and not come on to her as much. So in turn i felt like some relief while in the shower would help me reduce my urges, plus it helped me feel refreshed and focused. The porn has only happened a handful of times since we moved in and just for a few minutes.I tried having a talk with her last night again about compromises, with regards to what's ok and what's not, and she really wasn't having any of it.I'm starting to feel angry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): Im only wondering why you masturbated regularly in the shower. How is your sex life like? How many times in a week do you have sex? Did you just want to masturbate and look at sexy pics or did she give you inadequate sex therefore you were lacking?
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A
male
reader, theguyeh +, writes (16 July 2013):
theguyeh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your comments! Last night she really beat me up over it again, I took a lot of the advice, got some flowers, tried not to feel guilty, and give her some space. Once things calmed down and i assured her nothing could compare, fantasy vs reality, etc. she finally started to cut me some slack. Where then we began to open up and talk about our sexuality and desires like we never have before. We decided to start taking a more humorous approach to sex, masturbation, and porn. We realized we were being uptight about it, and thought to start a small list of do's and dont's, likes and dislikes. Then share that with each other and begin making some compromises.After all that we were able to make some jokes about what turn us on, and ended up having fun make up sex!I know she is still upset deep down, and these comments really helped me understand this from a women's perspective. So I will make sure she knows that i can really do without porn, but that if one day we are not together for a few days or something there's probably a good chance I will pull up a picture.Right now though i think she's ok because i told her i don't have a problem with her owning a dildo =PAny other comments please feel free, i know we made some progress last night, but this situation has really made light of the holes in our relationship.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 July 2013):
 You are being too apologetic for this. I see the need for visual stimulation (I depend on it) and I also respect other people don't see that need. What you should do is figure out how to live your life without others telling you what to do. If you want to be with her, then stick to porn abstinence. You would always feel wrong and guilty even after you delete the videos.
She is basically saying porn is the same as flirting with a coworker. You have a disagreement here, and I see that as a compatibility issue. She clearly gets nothing out of porn, but she gets enjoyment from male attention at work. I do feel that she is accepting inappropriate attention as a means of manipulating you, or controlling you into submission. That I feel is wrong. Manipulation is a desperate way to correct behavior. It is not something based on strength but fear.
Porn serves the purpose of satisfying your natural need to spread your seed with many people and there is nothing that kills this nature more than a monogamous relationship.
Her question, really is to find out why she wants to stay in this relationship if you can't be in one, in mind and in spirit. For a lot of women it is all or nothing. Especially young women.
Other people are fine with compromising, and the women who are able to compromise are the ones who enjoy porn themselves. I am sure I am not the only one. I grew up with female figures and none of them had this porn issue. In my high school classmates shared porn. All my life I went to Catholic and Episcopalian schools and religion did nothing to make sex dirty for many of us.
What she really wants is a person who can stick to the promise that he won't watch it anymore. Or better one who has never watched and never will. Since you broke the promise, keeping it private doesn't count. She is still hurt that you watch it behind her back.
Women who don't watch porn are always sweeter and more innocent than women who do. You are with her because she makes you feel secure. You won't call a slut sweet. Whether she is worth you not watching porn for life is something you decide.
It's not about right or wrong. With an open minded woman you will never be wrong. You can live a conscientious life but with the wrong woman it won't work out.
She is very young. She may need more years to realize that the percentage of men who do not watch porn is so little that it is a struggle to find such a man amongst religious fanatic weirdos or blind guys. And that to have a healthy relationship one does not control another's sexuality or use punishments to ensure submission.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013):
I don't personally watch porn. Porn is why his girlfriend is upset with him. It is the reason he is in the doghouse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): This is a tough, but very common situation in relationships these days. Look at the porn category on this website alone, you will literally see HUNDREDS of women posting about how upset they are about their partners use of porn, or looking at other women in general. I'll try my best to explain to you the average female's perspective on her partner watching porn. From a young age, a lot of women are taught that their value to men depends on their level of attractiveness. This stays with us into adulthood, and is VERY difficult to overcome. So it's a huge blow to women's egos when they find out their men are seeking out images of other women to get off on. They feel it MUST mean he doesn't find her attractive enough. She then starts to feel like she's a failure at keeping her partner satisfied, and feels there's nothing she can do. She can strive to look her best by working out, eating healthy, styling her hair, and wearing makeup, but in the end, there will still always be more beautiful women out there for her partner to look at. And with just the click of a button, too. He doesn't even have to leave his home to see them. This completely destroys a lot of women's self esteem, because it's a hopeless feeling. Also, some women are more naturally beautiful than others. This makes it even more difficult for the ones who need to put in more effort to be beautiful. If a woman spent hours fixing herself up for a night out with her man, only to have him eye up some woman walking by who seems to be effortlessly beautiful, she's going to feel crushed. No doubt about that. Any self esteem she had when she first walked out the door in her pretty outfit, it's gone the second his eyes wandered. There are no words powerful enough to describe the awful feelings women get when this happens. Meanwhile, the man is clueless as to why she suddenly isn't as happy as when they first left. He most likely forgot the other woman right after she passed by. However, his partner will remember every detail of her, and for a long time. "Is there anything I should do to help her understand?"No way in hell. She's female, and the female brain is incapable of ever fully understanding the male perspective of this issue. To you, it's "just pictures", to her those pictures are women you would rather be with sexually if you had the chance. You know it's not true, but that doesn't matter. No amount of explaining will get it through to her. Just as the male brain is incapable of ever fully understanding what I described above. I'm sure to you it sounds ridiculous. See what I mean? This is something that will be argued between men and women til the end of time, because unless you have ever actually been the other gender, it's impossible for you to fully understand it from their point of view. "Was I wrong for keeping it private?"That's an opinion based question there is no definite answer for. Some would tell you no, because you only hid it to protect her feelings. They would say what's the point in being honest when all it will do is hurt her? Others would say it's wrong to keep secrets of any kind, that you only lied to protect yourself, and don't care about her feelings. I have to say I'm with WiseOwlE on this, simply don't make promises you can't keep. Then you won't have to worry about whether or not it's "dishonest" to keep it from her. "Should I back off and give her time to get over it?"Should I back off and give her time to cool off would have been a better question to ask, because it's a lot more realistic. Women never "get over it". Even the strongest, most understanding women on this issue have their moments where they're unsure. Also, some women don't express how they truly feel about it, because they worry about being viewed as weak and insecure. Compromising is the best solution I can come up with. Cut back on looking at the pictures to only when she's sexually unavailable to you. When she's at work doesn't count, because you know she'll be coming home the same day. Why not have some fun with her when she gets home? Now, if she's going to be gone for a few days, or doesn't feel like having sex for one reason or another, then look at the pictures. In time, that should show her THEY are second best, not the other way around. You'll have to be patient.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (16 July 2013):
A five year age gap is nothing. I've been married for 7 years to a woman who's twenty-seven years younger than I am. OK? Next, did she have the kid when you first met, or did that happen during the time you knew her? That's important. Meanwhile, you're not even 30, she's moved in with you, you are raising another man's child, and she's not cutting you the slightest bit of slack. Have a long think about this relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 July 2013):
 The two of you put 'way too much emphasis on porn (viewing) and masturbation...... I can only begin to imagine what you two do, late at night, between the sheets....
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): Women get as shocked knowing their male partners view porn, as catching him with another woman.
It is an over-reaction, as far as men are concerned; but from a woman's point of view,it's cheating. You and I as males, know how we think; and how we express our emotions. Woman may understand our behavior technically; but not emotionally. They don't understand our logic. Being a gay man, I can can see from both points of view.
Having a child in the house justifies her anger on more than one plain. Children have no problem navigating their way on digital devices. If it was easy for her to find, it would have been just as easy for her child. Dumb, dumb, and dumber; bro. Really??? Good thing her kid is a little one.
A two year-old purchased a car, online just playing with a phone.
Porn is porn. The core doesn't matter!
First of all, don't ever make a promise you know you will not keep. That is a lie by omission.
"I promise not to let you catch me again." True translation.
You're are only being submissive to avoid confrontation. I'm a guy too, so I know your underlying motives. You are not wrong to have a little porn on the side; but there is a child in the house, and you have a woman to satisfy your needs.
So you have to give up your bachelor privileges.
Get it my man? Stick to your imagination. Keep it in your head and off your phone. Don't you know how to delete images? Smartphones don't automatically delete porn. Maybe they should create an anti-snooping app.
The perpetrator gets a mild stun; if the phone doesn't recognize your fingerprints.
She is blowing things out of proportion. Women just don't like porn; because they're jealous of your attraction to the sexy female images. You're getting off on a body that may look better than hers.
You envy guys with a bigger dick. Women envy females with larger breasts, prettier legs, rounder butts, alternate hair-color; etc.
They believe, just because they make themselves pretty for us; and they have female parts, that's all a man needs sexually. Some guys cheat on the side, and the rest just masturbate to curb our manly sexual appetites. We get our sexual kicks in different ways. Sometimes we just need a "hand." Maybe just a good bj before sleep. Man-logic, they don't get it.
If you have a woman; then you have to re-adapt your life-style to your current situation,dude.
Women don't understand that need for just a good jerk-off now and then. If they don't watch porn or masturbate; that means it's wrong for you to do it. You are no longer a bachelor living alone, so you change your habits.
Be sincere in your apologies. Make no promises you know you'll break. Apologies should be distinct and from the heart. You'll win no awards for a convincing acting performance.
Woman fervently justify snooping, and pretend it was
just by "coincidence."
They were dusting and happen to hit the enter button on "your" laptop; when we know it was "accidentally on purpose."
They intentionally go through your things to see if you're being totally transparent. Insecure woman have little sense of trust, and think they are avoiding betrayal by having no respect for your privacy. Plead your case until you're blue in the face. You'll never justify the intrusion on my privacy.
I don't go through the private things of my friends or partners.
I have to trust them; therefore, I can expect the same.
Let them argue and justify it until the cows come home. It is an invasion of privacy. Plain and simple. They deserve the shock, if they find something. It's their reward for snooping. Unfortunately, you're the target of their scorn.
We'll give up porn and masturbation, the day they give up snooping on our devices. That would be a fair trade. Neither will ever happen, so we're at an impasse.
Save all the letters and dramatic pledges. She'll see right through them. Actions speak louder than words, and flowers.
Back off. Leave her alone. Let her cool off, and stay out of her face. Groveling is just proof of your guilt. Just be nice, loving, sincere, and truthful. Let her miss you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): Maybe she concerned at the images you are looking at? That they are indeed younger than even her! I mean here the situation, she too will age, what then? ?Will the stimulus of looking at pictures of young hot chicks, be enough or will you need the real deal ? . Will your gf be past her expiriery date ? I mean yeah guys do look at porn, but Its insulting if your using it not to cheat . As like everything else it too will become old and boring. And what then?However, here what I would recommend apologise again . Look at both your sexual needs.. Us females are not like males, we do get turned on by the flick of a switch or a glimpse of your privates.. We need to be wooed, relaxed, appreciated, to begin love making.. So help as much as you can in the house.. With chores shopping, washing up. The normal grind of life .. If sex is something important to you daily then tell her, I would rather engage my hubby interest than to find him doing stuff without me . Give her that choice .. That doesn't mean you get it on demand .. She ain't a pay per view ..It also means you have to control your urges at times, and that you keep that just for you and she .. If she chooses not to want sex daily and it's a release you need then, again, be honest . And say well you will look at Porn ( again though I think the type of porn is the issue age etc )You two need to work through this , not against it .. You may need to look at some therapy for you both.. Take care x
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