A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. Yet, she was the one that asked me out on a date, however I've always regreted my choice to date her. I have no sexual attraction for her, however I have a strong sexual attraction to men. I was born gay and cannot do anything about it. I do love my girlfriend, but not romantically. I am getting my first gay boyfriend and I love him romantically, and sexually. I do love him to death and makes me really happy and feels so right. I just need help and advice of what I could possibly say to let my girlfriend know so I can live a happier life. I'm getting sick and tired of lying to her and regret it heavily. What can I possibly do? Me and my gal are in a long distance relationship and I have no phone to contact her. I've regretted submitting to her to be in a relationship, I only wanted to do it with a guy. When my girlfriend hugs me, it feels so awkward and wrong everytime we hug and I feel regret afterwards. When she kisses me, it just feels so wrong it's so hard to explain why it felt so wrong. Now, hugging a man feels right and comfortable and kissing a man feels straight out right. I'm sick of lying to her to prevent to break her heart and I need to tell her my sexual orientation, but I lack the proper guts to spit it out. Yet, the more I lie to her, the more I regret being with her, yet I'm normally a very honest, caring type guy. I'm mostly in the closet, yet always wanted to be with a guy which is soon going to happen. I do feel that she is going to have a massive emotional breakdown and not want to be my friend or see me no more, so how can I say this without her emotionally breaking down so bad? I feel terrible being her boyfriend, yet I will feel terrible breaking up with her. I do feel if I told her the truth to my orientation, I will feel I've done the right thing, though I don't know how to do it right. I feel so guilty wasting 10 months of her life and wated 10 months of my life being with a straight girlfriend. She loves me romantically, and I don't, only do to men only.I guess it's wrong for a gay guy to have a relationship with a woman: straight, bi, or lesbian. Help and/or advice is gladly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): Hi. Break up with her gently by telling her you simply don.t think things are working out. Wish her the best ,then move on. I don.t think she needs to know about the guy and your sexuality. just be nice,and say you would like to move on,then do it,but don.t prolong the contact. Let her get over it. Good luck. X
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): Just throwing this out as pure speculation, but it could be very possible that your girlfriend knew you were gay from the start and that's the reason she wanted to go out with you; perhaps she was looking for a buddy or a confidante more than a boyfriend.
I personally know of two situations where girlfriends/wives knew the guy was gay long before he was ready to admit it.
Agree with others you need to be honest with her, but suggesting the possibility that she may not be as shocked and surprised as you might expect. You might even hear "What took you so long?"
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 July 2013):
 Here's my suggestion..... You sit her down, face her and say: "Hunchy bunchy.... You know, and I know, that we have had good times as long as we've been together. AND, we really DO like one-another, a WHOLE LOT. However, I really must confess that my feelings for you are compromised, insofar as I am romantically attracted to men (yes, I'm "gay") and so this relationship that we've had has got to come to an end.... I'm real pleased with what we've had... and I hope you are, too.... AND, I'm sorry that I've finally discovered just where my sexuality is... and I hope that you can continue on in life and find a "regular" guy as you mate and partner.... So long."
That should do it....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 July 2013):
Here's my suggestion..... You sit her down, face her and say: "Hunchy bunchy.... You know, and I know, that we have had good times as long as we've been together. AND, we really DO like one-another, a WHOLE LOT. However, I really must confess that my feelings for you are compromised, insofar as I am romantically attracted to men (yes, I'm "gay") and so this relationship that we've had has got to come to an end.... I'm real pleased with what we've had... and I hope you are, too.... AND, I'm sorry that I've finally discovered just where my sexuality is... and I hope that you can continue on in life and find a "regular" guy as you mate and partner.... So long."
That should do it....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): I'm a gay man, and I have close relationships with many women in my life. There is no possible way you can live without them; even if you're gay. So don't use that as any excuse to exclude them from your circle of friends. How can it be wrong? That question makes no sense.
I do not fault you for having a girlfriend; I fault you for carrying on a lie that extended for nearly a year. Don't pretend to be innocent. You were using her as a cover (beard); while you hid in the closet. It was/is for totally selfish reasons you never told her the truth.
You're being honest about not wanting to hurt her; but it's hard to swallow, considering you kept up the lie for so long. You could have ended it months ago. You allowed her to fall for you. You needed the cover to protect yourself until you found what you really wanted. Now you found a guy; and want to know a nice way to ditch her.
There is no nice way to breakup. You will hurt her; but she will survive. She will also be very angry with you. Your cowardice and selfish behavior deserves her wrath. I doubt she will take it well, but she will get over you. You owe her the truth, and you better tell her as soon as possible.
It is unlikely she will want to be friends. Especially if you already have a new beau in line; just waiting for you the ditch the b*tch, to make the switch. You are very young, but there is a lesson to be learned here. Your deception is inexcusable; due to the length of time you perpetrated your fake relationship.
There is a karma here; because you will break her heart.
She trusts you and believes you care for her, based on all of the time you've stolen from her to reinforce it. So, don't be surprised when heart-break comes knocking at your door. Remember the pain you caused by "pretending" to love someone; and allowing them to love you.
You are both very young. There was no physical intimacy that would have brought your relationship into another emotional realm. So you aren't responsible for taking her virginity; or allowing her to give her body to you as an extension of her feelings. You're saved on that level.
The shock and rejection will hit her hard. So be gentle and don't beat around the bush. Get to it. Tell her the truth, but don't tell her all that crap about how you met some guy.
That's way too much for a young girl to handle all at once.
Be prepared, there will be backlash. You're the betrayer; and she's the woman scorned.
The dust will settle. She will remember how much she originally cares, once she has had the opportunity to absorb all of this. It is, what it is.
Never again should you base a relationship on a lie. That is a cruel thing to do. It would have been better to either have ended it earlier; when you realized you didn't feel anything for her. Or to have never started a romantic relationship with a person you have no feelings for.
I know you knew you were gay when you met her. You admit you feel you were born this way. All the more incriminating.
You have your work cut out for you. Now go deliver the truth so she can start her process of grieving the loss, and moving on to get over you. I hope she will be there for you, when you need support when you undergo your full coming out process. Don't count on it. Sometimes moving on means no contact with your ex forever.
Being dumped is horrible; but it's better knowing the truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): I'm a gay man, and I have close relationships with many women in my life. There is no possible way you can live without them; even if you're gay.
I do not fault you for having a girlfriend; I fault you for carrying on a lie that extended for nearly a year. Don't pretend to be innocent. You were using her as a cover (beard), while you hid in the closet. It was/is for totally selfish reasons you never told her the truth.
You're being honest about not wanting to hurt her; but it's hard to swallow, considering you kept up the lie for so long. You could have ended it months ago. You allowed her to fall for you. You needed the cover to protect yourself until you found what you really wanted. Now you found a guy and want to know a nice way to ditch her.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 July 2013):
Dear OP,
You've made a mistake by not being honest with her and this break up will probably hurt her. No matter how you are going to tell this message. Yes you have wasted her time, so don't waste any more. Each day you continue this arrangement makes it a bigger lie. So don't wait for the right moment, don't wait for the right words. Just call her and say it how it is. Don't come up with lame excuses or cliches, just be honest. Of course it will hurt her, but in the long run you also give her the chance to find someone who really loves her. If you keep hiding it, it will only take longer until she finds out and she will have invested more time and feelings into this. So better break up now.
You not having a phone is a really lame excuse for not telling her an important thing like that. I'm sure you can borrow someone elses phone for a moment or install a skype account or something.
Do what has to be done. And accept if that's the end of your friendship with her. She has a right to be angry.
Anyway, I hope from now on you can be honest with your sexual orientation and be happy. Just don't use others anymore to hide it. It's okay to be in the closet, but pretending to have a straight relationship is really mean for the girl.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): Honeypie is right - while you are stringing her along she could have been meeting jer soulmate - you are wasting her life. If I was you I would just explain everything, there is no easy way to do it but she deserves a real explanation. I don't think you're a bad person, you're trying to be a nice person but unfortunately you need to tell her, she has a right to know. We all make mistakes and do wrong but at least tell her now and do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2013):
 You are NOT doing her any favors by staying with her. You are ONLY stringing her along and well, CHEATING on her - how is that in any way right for you to do? Gay or not, GROW a set and tell her it's over. Tell her you have fallen for a guy and that you KNOW HE is who you want.
And YES you have wasted 10 months of HER life faking being her BF, so STOP doing that and end it... It's not really hard. It's going to hurt HER way more then it will you, since you already have your fella lined up. BUT you STILL need to do it.
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