A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend of 8 months and i have grown very close. However, she still has a admittedly "deep" tie with her first "true love". She still talks to him on the phone about twice a week (probably more if she didn't know i thought it was a little inappropriate.) She is constantly putting his quotes up on facebook (an internet communication program, if ya don't know) and has a tendency to take me off her relationship status at what she calls "random" times, but i see a pattern of her taking my name off when she wants to draw his attention. She has expressed interest of going to a ball with him ,and spending a great deal of money to travel and see his undergrad graduation.(while neglecting the rest of her friends graduations) She has talked a great deal (and still does to her other friends on the phone)about how excited she is for him because of his pending graduation. She seems more excited when she speaks to him than i ever hear her during the rest of the day.She also expressed to one of her friends that she felt hurt when he stated another girl is attractive, which she does to me (about males, of course) all of the time. She has even awaken in the middle of the night before, and of course, awoken me ,to call him. I have told her i feel disrespected by some of these actions, but she doesn't seem to care. I don't want to end our relationship, however, because i love her. Please help me with some sound advice because I really want to work this out and don't mind her being friends with anyone, I just think it is obvious she wants to be more than that with him and I also don't appreciate being disrespected like i feel i have been. Any help would be nice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): totally agree with dr.pete this feeling will build up inside you.ive been through similar only worse theres a child involved but my fella used his ex everytime we had problem.theres no love involved.the only thing that has worked for me was too bar the friendship altogether and only allow contact for the childs sake.i think judging by how strong her feeling seem to be your only option is to make her go cold turkey.she is taking the p*** out of you.waking you up in the middle of the night is absolutely bang out of order.she is totally disrespecting you.how would she respond???ask your mates and i bet not one of them would tolerate it.the time has come to deal with it headon.the next thing you know shell be asking you if she can stay with him.mark my words.deal with it now.good luck.
A
male
reader, lupa-k  +, writes (24 April 2007):
Exes can be a real barrier to relationships. I think from everything that you have said in this case, its likely that she still has very strong feelings for him, and for all she has tried to get him out of her head, does not feel prepared to do that.
I think you need to explain to her that the situation with him can often make you feel second best, and also why that is the case. Be reassuring and reiterate to her that you don't want him to be completely shut out of her lide, but that you feel his close involvement with her is not healthy for your relationship.
Good luck, and I definitely think you are dealing with this well so far
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): Hi there,
You sound like you have a sensible head on your shoulders and I think you're going about this really maturely. I think friendship is one thing but it does sound like your girlfriend has more feelings than that. I don't know exactly what your girlfriend feels for her ex, but from what you have said, it is the way it comes across.
There is only one way I think of in which this situation can resolve itself and that is for your girlfriend to distance herself from her ex. If your girlfriend loves you then I feel that she will do this for you and for your relationship. If she does not then I suspect she is still in love with her ex. I also think that if what she has with her ex is a good friendship then it will be strong enough for her to leave it for a while to concentrate on both your relationship and perhaps, if she still wants to, she can continue the friendship a bit later on in the future?
Personally I think you should stand up for yourself and talk about the things that you think go beyond a friendship. You have a right to have these feelings and to a degree she has an obligation to act in such a way to make you feel reassured and first before her ex-boyfriend. I think based on how she responds to what you say (assuming you tackle it sensitively) will be really indicative of where her priorities lie - with you, or with her ex and that is what you ultimately are wondering about, isn't it?
I think whatever happens though, it sounds like you need to do or say something as you can't go on feeling second best as it will only continue to hurt you and eventually you risk having a feeling of resentment build up towards your girlfriend and that will bring a whole lot more problems for you.
All the best with whatever you decide to do and let us know how you get on.
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