A
male
age
36-40,
*etro_muz
writes:Hi, first time poster... in desperate need of some advice. This time yesterday i was the happiest and most content i'd ever been with anyone, i truly believed i'd found that special person, to me she was perfect in every way. Today i'm struggling to come to terms with the fact she slept with her ex boyfriend 4 months ago, we've been together 10. She's told me now because she says in the past three weeks she's been the happiest she's ever been and believes i'm the only one for her... but she couldn't live with what had happened hanging over her. I don't really know how i feel, i've felt numb since she told me apart from bouts of anger and hate towards her. I thought she was the most genuine person i'd ever met, the person i thought she was would never have done what she has. Her reasons or excuses for what happened are that she thought we were going to break up and that we weren't going to work (which would have been news to me 4 months ago), she says she wasn't over it (the last relationship with him) but that as soon as what happened happened she realised the feelings she thought she still had for him were not genuine. However she knows i'd have given her time, she could have talked to me or whatever she wanted, but instead she did the one thing she can't take back.I'd always tried to be so accommodating with regard to her last relationship because she got together with me soon after it had finished, i'm annoyed at myself for not voicing my concern at her being around him a lot as their groups of friends cross a bit (not that it would probably of made any difference).I work away and trust has always been a major part, the scary thing is we've talked about problems and i've known she's not always been sure about us but i didn't have a clue she would ever be able to disregard me and my feelings like she has. I feel betrayed, hurt and foolish..... but i have to keep reminding myself what's happened, i found myself defending what she's done in my head, it makes me feel weak and i get mad with myself.I know its only been 24hrs but I don't know what to do or how to feel, i've never been dealt such a crushing blow. I nearly collapsed when she told me but as i've said before i've just felt numb since. She says it was the biggest mistake of her life and that she loves me more than anything... i don't know what to do or how to deal with it... any advice would be really appreciated. ...and she's promised me its happened once...
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male
reader, Kenj +, writes (11 March 2010):
 Be careful, the ex could be trying to split you up with her so he can have her to himself.
Not saying this is the truth, but it is possible.
A
male
reader, retro_muz +, writes (10 March 2010):
retro_muz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all the feedback, been reading it again and again all day... only just realised I could let you know in this little box at the bottom.
Things have moved on some what since i wrote the original post, it turns out i didn't know everything. A message from her ex to me this afternoon told me that it was more than just the once and that the last time was only 3 weeks ago. He went on to say she's been treating us both like idiots and that he's now through with her.
She's denied this and maintains it was only the once that they slept together however have had up to 3 or 4 moments (if you will), talks etc. She tells me he's bending the truth because he's bitter and doesn't want us to be together.
Honestly don't know what to believe anymore, i mean has she suddenly realised i'm the one for her as soon as he's said enough's enough, or is he calling her a liar because she had told him that me and her were going to finish but it hasn't happened because she's realised regarding me...... either way should i even care anymore?? Don't feel i can take anymore...
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 I agree with Male Anon. It's odd that she chose to sleep with her ex when she thought your relationship was failing instead of speaking to you about her feelings. She's just made it so hard for you to trust her now by her actions. If I were in your shoes I'd have to think twice about whether she's really worth staying with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): I wouldn't be too enthused about this girl. Having some doubts about the relationship does not do anything to excuse infidelity. I would worry about anyone who thinks that makes for some kind of excuse, because they'll be able to justify more cheating to themselves just as easily in the future. She doesn't just owe you faithfulness when she's 100% happy. And the fact that you didn't even know there was a problem is even more of a red flag. Was there really a problem at all, or did she just decide there was a sudden rough spot in the relationship to excuse what she did?
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 The promise is meaningless if you do not trust her.
You are doing the right thing here...taking time for yourself to process the emotions, and looking at WHY it happened.
You learned an important lesson about monogamy, which is to voice your concerns about any POTENTIAL threat to it, like her hanging out with an ex in a social circle. You think it would not have made a difference, but I disagree, unless she is the type to disregard your feelings.
When a person breaks another persons trust, you have to look at the reasons behind that trust violation. If they can be forever removed, then you can build trust again. If they can not be removed, that is how you know the repeating behavior pattern will happen again.
She said:
she thought we were going to break up and that we weren't going to work (which would have been news to me 4 months ago),
OK, two questions here. What is she going to do the next time hard issues in your relationship come up? Even the best of long term relationships have periods of challenges and doubts. What is she going to do then? What can you trust her to do then?
The second question is about you. What signs were there for her that the relationship was not going to work out that you missed? In what ways were her emotional needs not being met, that made her feel less like your lover, that you did not pick up on? Talk to her about this, and see if there is something you need to learn about her, or about your need to see what is going on (if there was any issue).
She said:
she says she wasn't over it (the last relationship with him) but that as soon as what happened happened she realised the feelings she thought she still had for him were not genuine.
Is there anyone else that she is not completely over? She better tell you now. We ALL carry torches for our exs if the relationship had any significance...what is she going to do if she meets up with a different ex, or some other guy she dated and only now realizes that is not completely over him? What is she going to do then? What is she going to do when she meets a brand new guy that she is attracted to? It is going to happen. We are human, and we ARE going to be attracted to new people, EVEN WHEN we already have a stable partner. What will she choose to do then? I talk about how couples deal with this in my program Making Monogamy Work.
You Said:
However she knows I'd have given her time, she could have talked to me or whatever she wanted, but instead she did the one thing she can't take back.
Hmmm...what does that mean exactly? You would have given her time? To do what? Have a break from you to sleep with him? I agree it would have been more ethical, but given how hurt you are from this, would you really have been OK with giving her time?
Lastly, do you present yourself as someone that can handle truth, and is about truth? You did not voice your opinion when she was hanging out with him, and your instincts were screaming to you to say something. Surely she felt your vibe that you were not completely comfortable with it, yet you could not deal or express the truth. If you want people to be honest with you, you must present yourself as a person who wants to deal with truth no matter how unpleasant.
Think of it like this...lets say the reason she did it was because she was drunk (assume it was the key factor). In that case, the only way to trust her again is for her to stop drinking altogether. It is going to have to take something like that once you know the core reason she gave in. If the core reason is that she self-sabotages everything good in her life, then unless she stops that, you will not be able to trust her.
I know couples that were EXACTLY in the situation you are in now. Those that continued to make it work were the ones that changed or removed the behaviors that caused the problem to begin with. Those that failed were the ones that did not change the behaviors surrounding the infidelity...but they stayed together too long, and emotionally damaged each other. Forgiveness is easier than changing. Be sure you both can handle both.
Good Luck.
-Frank Kermit
author, Making Monogamy Work
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (10 March 2010):
This is a very tough one.If she has to sleep with her Ex to know that shes no longer inlove with him, only God knows what else shes capable of.
Although i will advice you to frogive her if you really love her, but make sure she cuts all ties with him, not to even meet or call him again, and always keep a watchful eye on her.
Goodluck.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (10 March 2010):
No woman is perfect, she done wrong and now its been playing on her mind for the last 4 months which is why she told you. Its about making herself feel better.
Take a short break from the relationship to get your thoughts together, tell her your not breaking up but you need some space and time to think. It takes time to build that trust back up.
I think she does love you or she would not have told you.
Good luck man!
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