A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok this is my first time writing on something like this, but I know my girlfriend has asked for online help before and said its really helpful so here I am.We have been together for around 5 years I think and we've just moved in together but ever since then we've been having problems. I work evening shifts 6 days a week and often don't get in from work until 10pm. I also play in a wedding band and we rehearse twice a week from 10pm to 12pm and usually play a gig or two at the weekends. This has always been the case and time together has always been limited to a couple of hours on weeknights and maybe a night at the weekend if I'm not gigging.However this has started to bother her a lot more since she moved in. My only free day is a Sunday and sometimes I want to spend time with my friends having a few beers, but she is asking me to spend most Sundays with her now. This is causing lots of arguments between us. I thought her moving in would solve the problem because we see each other most days now even if it is only for a short time, but she says we don't have enough 'quality' time together. I think the problem might be that she doesn't have as full a life as me. She does see friends but only once or twice week and her hobbies are a dance class and art class which don't take up a lot of time. In fact she's often done with those before I get home.I really love her and want us to make a proper go of this, but I feel we are at a stalemate now because she says she feels lonely since she moved in and I need time with my friends.What should we do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): I do not think you should give up time with your friends or the things you do for yourself, but I do think you need to compromise a bit here. You do NOT need to spend your only free day every single week with your friends. Perhaps twice a month or one evening. OR, you find a way to include both at the same time on occasion.
Do you want to be right and keep doing what you are doing or do you want to have a good relationship where you are both happy?
Find a balance, listen to what she is saying, and make it right. You will not regret it. She has accepted your current work schedule and your part time gig on the side, don't kill it by putting her last. No, moving in together does not make it all better.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 October 2013):
 The problem was there before she moved in, and you just hoped it would disappear without having to deal with it. Sorry, you have to actually deal with it. She does have a full life, dont look down at her like that. She has a full life, her problem isnt a lot of spare time and boredom. Her problem is having a boyfriend who doesnt have a need for quality time with her. But she needs that, and if you want to keep her and have a good relationship you have to compromise and make a few changes. She needs to see you more... So see her more, not in passing, but as in a proper date.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): Just a warning that when people feel their partners have "abandoned " them by never being there or being uninterested in them, they may then get their needs met by someone else. If you're lucky your partner will have the decency to end the relationship with you first. Otherwise your partner may simply fall into an emotional affair since they are spending all their time with other people (maybe people whom they feel attracted to as well) since you're never around.Bottom line is don't take for granted that you can put no effort into your relationship and still expect your gf or spouse to still be there when you finally are in the mood to see them. If you're not meeting your partner's needs she may find someone else who does and it may not even be a conscious decision but simply start out innocently.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2013):
 I'll tell you this - the two of you have fallen into the trap that so many married people fall into without realizing it.
Here's the thing, before you moved in together, you had to shower and look your best to go see your girlfriend. You went to see her because you were looking forward to it. When you saw her, she had your full attention, and the two of you connected because your relationship was the focus of it.
Now, she's getting your leftovers. She sees the ugly bad breath, bed head, gassy, cranky, needing-to-be-recharged, distant, irritable, warts-and-all side of you. The you she moved in with isn't the "you" she dated before you moved in together.
You still have to date, even if you're living together, and if you're saying that she gets you after your work, your free time, your Sunday drinking stints with your buddies, she gets your last priority. That's not right.
Trust me, I understand, because I'm a musician as well and I worked for years until 11pm most nights, so I get it. The nights can blur! You literally wake up, shower, and then you don't see your house until late at night as you watch some bleary television, eat a microwaved something-or-other, and hope you drift off to sleep before you wake up at noon and do it all over again.
You have to do everything you can to get some more compatible work time, and in the meantime, yes, you need to be with your girlfriend on Sundays. She deserves your best, and not your leftovers. You could reserve a weeknight after work for a happy hour anytime with your buddies, but she should get your full-energy, full-attention, full-effort you gave her while you dated. This has nothing to do with her life being less full. She probably feels like you bait-and-switched her, doing all the courting beforehand, and afterward treating her like she needs to be escaped from.
Get this through your head now for all the time in your life - you need to date after living together, after marriage, after kids. Take a few days off and get away with her. That gives your work some meaning.
You also might have to drop that wedding band as well. I have played weddings, and I don't know what the cost is now, but after expenses and split 4 or 5 or 6 ways depending on your size and possibly pay an agent for getting the booking for you, the money may not be worth the time. Basically a 2 hour practice twice per week (heh, I hardly ever see a band practice limited to that short of time...band members love playing, technical stuff like guitar strings and drum head malfunctions and it can go on a lot longer), it's hours to fee. Devoting 10-15 hours or more per week for one gig, and you'll start really seeing what your time is or isn't worth. OR, if you do a couple per day and are really successful, you may want to go the other route and pull less time at your day shift. It's all about hours to value.
But seriously, do not give your girlfriend your leftovers and expect it to fit the bill. You will lose her. She has a life, and it's a lot more in balance than yours is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): I hear this so often, and usually the other half is right on this one. Even in marriage counsilling they say how necessary it is to give each other one night a week where you spend quality time together - not necessarily go out for a meal but just curl up and watch a movie. I've been with my boyfriend 3+ years, his entire military career, and believe me we've learned the importance of this.
Also I think you should put her before your friends, not after. It sounds like she comes last place in your life, like you can just take her for granted because you live with her and so that is classed as spending time with her. You only think about you, and the majority of hours in your life dont involve her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): I think you're both not on the same page about your expectations from a relationship. You see a relationship as something on the side to return to when it is convenient for you and you're done going out living your life and nothing wrong with that. Like maybe having easy access to sex and companionship when you have nothing else going on. But she sees a relationship as meaning you are the center of each other's lives. It sounds like you want something more casual and less involved than what she wants. There is nothing wrong with that however when you agreed to start living together that misled her into thinking you now saw the relationship the same way she did. In general I think that you may have picked the wrong girl to be with. She wants a guy who is more of a homebody. There's plenty of guys who are like that so she isn't unreasonable in wanting that but it sounds like it isn't who you are.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): I have been in her shoes in he early years of my marriage. Your gf feels like you put her last on your list of priorities. I dealt with it by detaching myself emotionally from the marriage and developed my own life almost as a single person even though we were married and now 10 years later his schedule is much lighter so now he is the one complaining I don't have time for him while I am the one not wanting ti spend time with him because I prefer the company of my friends.Now after 2 years of marriage counseling I am trying to learn to enjoy his company again. But let me tell you. The years of resentment I harbored from him putting me last on his list of priorities, have taken years to slowly fade. So my advice to you is to work things out now. She may develop strong resentment toward you if she continues to feel like she is last on your list of priorities. Resentment will turn to hate or at least very strong dislike or ambivalence and that wi cause her to break up with you or cheat on you. You don't want her yo be running into the arms of another man who is there for her while you're not.However since my marriage flopped around to where I then became in your shoes I can understand feeling smothered by your partner because they have no life of their own and are overly attached to you (from your perspective). All I can say is, you need to take this seriously now. I cannot say if you are in the wrong or she is. Because it is all relative. Some couples do fine hardly seeing each other because both are independent. Other couples need to be joined at the hip or they have separation anxiety.I suggest you compromise with her yo the best of your ability. Also your attitude is important. It feels much more hurtful to her that you want to spend time away from her compared to if you gave some indication that you regret that you have to work so much which prevents you spending time together.However if none of your compromises work to satisfy BOTH of you then that means you're not compatible and this relationship isn't working at least not at this stage of your lives. You may reconnect years from now and find you have both changed in your relationship needs and then be comptaible but not in the here and now. The thing is that you see living together as a substitute for relationship. She sees living together as a way to progress a relationship. NEITHER of these is a sound reason to move in together. That could be where your problems started.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2013):
 I have to ask, WHAT is she to you? Your room-mate or your GIRL-FRIEND?
You are surprised that when you two moved in together she ASSUMED it would mean you two got MORE time together, not less.
Seriously, SHARING a home doesn't mean spending more time together. Obviously it doesn't for you.
Sit down and figure out how to give her MORE time with you (honestly, don't YOU want that too?) and make room for your friends too.
Saying hello and goodbye is not "seeing each other".
I think FA gave you excellent advice.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 October 2013):
I think after five years a couple should be wanting more solid foundations of being together, rather than finding excuses to hang out with friends. No one says you can't hang out with friends but the way you are conveying your life, it is as if her moving in was supposed to just "make her happy" and you can be on your merry way to enjoy your own life. Which is weird because she was the one who made the change, you really didn't have to do much of anything.
She moved in to make the relationship work but it seems like you haven't done anything to make it work. You say her problem is that she doesn't have a full life like you but you are saying that from only your point of view and you have not considered her feelings or view at all. Has it occurred that maybe she wants to legitimately spend more time with you? And perhaps she DOES NOT want a "full life"?
If Sunday is your only free day, logically it should be spent with her. It is not her fault you chose a full life and she should not be punished for wanting the basic needs in a relationship. Most people in a relationship actually want to do things together with their partner, like going out, going places, sharing new experience TOGETHER...than just "seeing each other" every day.
I know everyone needs their down time, and I admire couples who give each other space. But the two of you aren't together long enough to begin wanting space.
I'm glad you have a full life but it just seems like you aren't interested in progressing the relationship part any further. You should take a step back and really analyse the relationship and see where this is going for the future. At the rate this relationship is going I think it would be best if the two of you split since she just wants more time with you and you aren't willing to give her that.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 October 2013):
 I believe I have seen the other side of this question a time or three. Frequently I tell the girls to remember that they were interested in you because you did interesting things like playing music and having friends. So by asking you to eliminate some of those activities, they are risking turning you into a boring person who the won't like.
It may be hypocritical but I am going to give you advice that you will think is exactly opposite of the advice I may have given to your girl friend. When you moved in with her you signed an unwritten imaginary contract to spend more time with her and get closer to her. In fact you freely admit that this was your purpose in moving in. As you grow closer to her your needs for other friends and activities should lower automatically. I'm a bit worried that you don't seem to be feeling that.
I do think you are closer to a solution than you think you are. She is not asking for every Sunday. She is not demanding that you cut off your friends. What she is asking for is more quality time (and I think in her language that means more than 5 hours together in a single chunk.) Or She is asking for "most" Sundays. She is probably thinking 3 Sundays a month but you may be able to negotiate for 6 out of every 10. That is not unreasonable for a couple that is close enough emotionally to be living together physically.
O K here is the big deal. Giving in to her demand is not the only way to satisfy her itch for quality time. Often couples find that spending a whole day together alone is more than they can do. I've been married 25 years and change and it is pretty rare for us to spend 8 hours together. Perhaps 1 or 2 times a month. There are other ways to make the time you already have together quality time. #1 is to turn off the distractions. Games, TV texting, social media, seem to be the top offenders these days. Essentially you have to declare it couple time in your mind. Say to yourself this is us time and whatever you are doing that is what I am doing too. even household chores can be quality time, but you have to transform the time into what she needs. Remember that when she is happy she will make you happy.
A final warning. Girls are different than guys (if they weren't we wouldn't like them so much) so when you think about her needs in terms of your needs you are probably wrong. In other words she doesn't need another hobby to fill her life. The relationship is her hobby and she wants you to share in it. When she has spare time that is what she wants to work on. That should help you understand what she is really looking for.
FA
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 October 2013):
 I think THIS is the key phrase in your "question":
"....I need time with my friends...."
WHA????? This girl MOVED IN WITH YOU!!!! She thought that would mean that SHE would MEAN a little something to you..... Instead, you - selfishly - say that "... I need time with my friends."
I guess you'd have a perfect arrangement with her if she would only keep quiet, do your wash, cook your meals, keep your house.. AND drive you to where you need to go to spend time with your friends.... (then, drive to pick you up, if you called her to tell her that you'd had a bit too much to drink!!!!)...
The only REAL "question" in your submittal is: "How long is this girl going to put up with my mistreatment before I have to find another "girlfriend" to be my butler???"
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): Before we get to your advice I'm going make some comments. People who work more than one job and odd-shifts have very limited time for social lives. They often neglect their mates, and get irritated when their partners complain.These irregularities in work schedules are due to economic conditions, and the availability of jobs. So if you want to eat and have a place to live, you have to work. You don't always have the option of "9 to 5" hours.If you recently finished university, or a grad-program, you have enormous student loan debt. This may force you to work an extra job to make ends meet. The thing is, if you enter a relationship; all these valid reasons require the two of you to come together to figure out how to handle all your obligations and responsibilities while growing a relationship.So you have to make arrangements and adjustments in your life, to create proper balance and set sensible priorities.The relationship has to fit. It is a major priority. You've interrupted someone's life.To say you want to spend time with friends when you have practically no time together, means you weren't ready for a steady long-term relationship. Your hours are too odd or fluxed to budget your time. So she gets your "spare" time to spend with you doing things together. That doesn't cut it. It's time to look for a steady full-time job. Doing gigs isn't necessarily a justification for leaving your girlfriend sitting at home without you. They really don't bring in major income. Maybe it's time you find a job that gives you time to have a personal life. It's either that, or give up having a "full-time" girlfriend.Sometimes a partner whines about not spending time together, and all they do is complain away all the precious moments they do have with you. You didn't say this is your situation. Some people are just needy. They can't find things to do, but sit around smothering their poor partners. Feeding their abandonment issues or insecurities. You didn't say this was her problem either.You did say she doesn't find enough things to do with her time. She is the type that secretly wants a domestic lifestyle. She focuses her time on the relationship. She wants to see it evolve to different levels. Again, she'll lie and claim she's a free-spirit and marriage is the farthest thing from her mind. Bull! Most single women want some form of commitment. The majority want to be married someday.For some reason it's difficult to get people to admit they're "home-bodies;" because they're afraid this is admitting they're boring. She wants things to be like a marriage. You're home at the same hours she is, you spend evenings together; and 80-90% of the things you do, are done together. Will she admit it? No. She will hedge around what she truly wants, and try to compromise. She will not really be happy with compromise; because it means she doesn't get what she wants 100%. Although, what she wants isn't totally unjustified. She happened to chose the guy she wants, who happens to have horrible hours. She gave up other guys and opportunities to be with you. So she expects your time.You shouldn't have asked her to move in, if you weren't going to make the proper adjustments to make her feel at home there. You did what you thought you had to do to stop the whining and nagging. She was only telling you what she wanted more of in the relationship. You don't want to give up the gigs; because of the party atmosphere, and opportunity to perform. These staggering gigs are affecting your relationship. You can't stand the thought of being caged in. You are running like a scared little boy. You want commitment; but you don't really want to give up your single lifestyle. You're trying to force her to adapt to your life, without any compromise on your part. Don't pretend to compromise; she'll see through that.Well, it's time to man-up. You want a happy girl-friend, you have to give her what she needs. You.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): She doesn't have as full as life as you? Really..
I think you need to put your GF first not your friends. You see you friends twice in the week and on the weekend AND you want to on a Sunday knowing thanks the ONLY day you have free.
Couples need quality time together... If you don't isn't it like living with someone you just have sex with...?
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A
female
reader, Miss.Cupid +, writes (12 October 2013):
 I feel as though the reason she agreed in moving in is to get closer to you, but all she's now is just further. I understand the quality time she's speaking of. But maybe you guys weren't ready for the big move?..while you're gone, hanging out with friends,work,gigs and she's home bored.
I think you should do something special for her this sunday. make her dinner set it up romantically. make her feel like shes still special, get that spark back.
I'm not against you hanging out with your friends because I understand that they were most likely there longer then she has been. Maybe invite them over next sunday,. I think she just feels ignored. good luck.
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