A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this girl a while back, and we hit it off pretty well. After a few weeks which consisted of a mixture of hanging out, dates (movies, dinner, etc) she confessed to me that she is really into me, but she is scared that she will cheat on me if we take it to a serious level, and really hurt me. We have continued to talk, but more on a friend level. She's basically told me she has some issues she needs to resolve, and does not want to date me until she knows for sure things have been resolved and she won't cheat on me. We've been hanging out just as friends now for about two months, and have gotten very close. Basically what she's told me is past relationships have not mattered as much, and if something happened she could just find another person, but with me she feels differently, and says it would really end up depressing her if she hasn't resolved how she feels about herself, and issues going on in her head and ends up cheating on me as a result because she actually can see some type of future with me, and would rather wait until she is sure rather than mess something up that seems like it could be really good. While I understand what she's getting at, and appreciate her honesty with me it leaves me very confused as to how this might play out. She seems to think eventually she will be at a point where things will be different, and she'll be able to faithfully be with someone. She's turned into a close friend, and I can't just abandon her, but of course as we get closer we both seem to have more than just typical friend feelings for each other. She has mentioned before that she does see herself resolving these issues, and does see a possible future, and as far as I can see she is actively trying to resolve these issues through therapy. Am I just wasting my time? She's a real great girl, but I don't want to get my hopes up. Sorry for the long (possibly run on) sentences. It's just how my mind is thinking about all of this. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I think I just needed someone to slap me in the face, and knock some sense into me. When it comes down to it this is such a no-brainer it is ridiculous that I even spent the time typing it all out. Every now and then a girl wins you over with crap like this, and everyone needs some sense knocked into them. The internet is always the best place for that because people aren't afraid of being blunt. Maybe this is what I thought all along, and just wanted confirmation.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Advice_man is spot-on with his analysis.
I would add that this line, "...what she's told me is past relationships have not mattered as much, and if something happened she could just find another person..." should be setting off every alarm bell your have. This means she does not value the men in her life, and there is no reason to suspect you will be any different.
She flat-out admits she has issues loving herself and being faithful. Leave before you get too attached.
Maybe she is a "great girl," though I doubt it, but being a great girl or a good person is not enough to be a good girlfriend (or boyfriend, but that's not this topic). Most people are good people, at least sometimes. They have to also be, oddly enough, a good girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (13 February 2011):
 My friend...apparently it doesn't cross your mind how manipulative some women can be! From what I read, this is how I "translate" her behavior:"She's afraid she will cheat..."- translation: She has very minimum feelings for you, but you are a nice guy, probably the type that is hard to find these days and you are a convenient package. Since YOU have feelings for this girl would YOU ever consider cheating on her?? Don't think so. She would, because she doesn't!"She's turned into a close friend.." - translation: That's excactly what she wanted! To put you on a stand by friends zone, while she is looking for Mr. Perfect. She intent's to keep you there as much as possible. Maybe, who knows, in a few years if she hasn't found Mr. Perfect she will start thinking of you as a serious dating material. That's what you want?I honestly hope I am wrong, but give my advice some thought. Don't waste your time. Be patient, yet make sure you clear things out with her soon. Best wishes.
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