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male
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anonymous
writes: so i have been going out with this one girl for about a year and a half. she is 23. i am 24. this was the best relationship both of us have ever had. this girl has been on meds since high school. it seemed that throughout our relationship everytime she increased, decreased, or changed meds it adjusted our relationship. the only thing it didnt change was how we felt about eachother. so a few months ago she got into a depressed funk. they called it seasonal depression. i got her to go see a therapist and ever since she changed meds and got help, she has been getting better. or at least i think so. the thing is, she broke up with me almost 2 months ago. for no real reason. it caught me completely by suprise and i still dont reallly understand it. i dont want to blaim it all on the meds. we were both going through a hard time back then. but i care about this girl a lot and she knows this. she says she cares a lot about me too but cant be in a relationship and just wants to be friends.this was something i couldnt do. especially with the way she broke up with me. i didnt know anything was wrong until she broke up with me. i took it hard and am still. i tried talking to her but she just wont listen. she is so fixated on breaking up that i just dont understand.i tried moving on by dating other people. she does stuff that makes things really hard on me. she calls me from other guys cell phones telling me that she misses me. i hate her for all the stuff she has done. she later apologises for it though.a few weeks ago we started talking. then monday she calls me crying. she asks me if she can come over and i wanted her to but i did not want to make things worse for me. she ended up coming over before i could say that she could. this was a cell phone conversation. she came over and she just held me crying. telling me that she misses me and that she is happy when she is with me. she also explained how she couldnt move on. i was happy just to be with her. that entire night was great. we didnt "sleep" with eachother but she spent the night. she was so happy. i thought that maybe we could talk things over. she went that morning to some appointments and i spent the day just happy knowing that maybe this could work.i talked to her later that night and it was like she was a different person. it was just like when she broke up with me. it just didnt make sense.so now she says she cant be together eventhough she is happy with me and cares about me. she is not one to lie so i believe her when she says stuff like that. she says that she has to work on herself and has to be independent. i told her not to call me but i know she will. i probably will too. i know i have to move on but i feel like i cant. i mean, its been 2 months almost. i miss her so much. i want to make things work. she knows that but doesnt want to. so i guess i should move on, right? but how can i when i still am so in love with her and she toys with me like this. she has to figure herself out before she gets in a relationship. i know that. but we just want to be together. and she has it in her mind that that is wrong. i dont know what to do. talking about this i know she is messed up. i guess i am too for wanting to be with her. all i remember are the good times we had. like that monday night.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): Get some individual counseling and if she is up for it, couple's counseling.
It sounds like she has had some horrid childhood and it is slowly catching up to her; her life would seem like it is spiraling out of control.
She is like anyone else in that she desire happiness but she also believes she is undeserving of it. How tragic.
She sounds terrified that you will not love her and so she ran; poor child.
I think she believe no one will understand her, love her, and she feels alone and she is struggling as she hates herself. This would be most tough to live with.
Counseling definetly for yourself so that you can better deal with this turmoil.
Good Luck.
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 Walk away. Better still, run away. I've been involved with women who are bipolar, hormonal, you name it. It's like riding a friggin' roller coaster. When times are good, it's great. . . but when times are bad, it's hell on earth. Find yourself a sane person. It's tough but there are a few of them out there. You're not a 'shrink', and that's what your girlfriend needs. So run, run like the wind, and don't look back. You'll thank me one day.
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 Sadly for you both, your ex isn't in any place to deal with a relationship right now. She may be suffering from an illness or it may be the meds, but unfortunately you cannot fix her or save her. If you are together as a couple, you could support her and be there for her, like you were. As she finished the relationship you have to look after you. If she calls you from other men's phone's, you should hang up when you hear her voice. If she begs, cries and pleads for you, don't give in. If she turns up at your door and you have not invited her (please don't invite her), then do not let her in. Ask her to leave. Don't call her either. She needs to understand that this is not fair on you. As much as you love her and as sad as it makes you to see her like this, she has come to depend on you. You have always been there and allow her to do what she wants and when she wants, but this is a revolving door. Unless she wants to get professional advice and help to explore the severe changes and causes, there's not much you can do. If she sorts it out, you'll then both have a better idea of what's going on. She may not know why she's feeling this way, or she may be struggling with her feelings but you can't rule out that it's out of both of your hands. The best thing for you is to put some distance between you. Try not to make excuses and reasons, just act as if things were straightforward and accept that it's over. It's very hard for you if she has finished it and then comes round crying, holding on to you, but that's not fair. You can't be expected to be there for her everytime. If she wants her independence, she's going about it the wrong way. Be strong, it will take a long time and be a difficult time for you, but stick with it. I hope it works out for you.
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