A
male
age
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*y first love!
writes:I have a lady who I have known for 20 some years,she is the wife of an ex-friend, who I had never gotten to know, because of him, he was real jealous and possessive. Well out of the blue he decided to cheat on her, she came to see me one day and ask me if I had noticed anything weird about him during our friendship? After talking to her and learning some things he had done over the years behind my back I threw away our so called "friendship" and started one with her,in which we put together a list of his, let's say, dishonest lifestyle habits! He had been nothing that we thought he was! Well we began a "friendship", no sex, no kissing, nothing dirty, unfortunately I fell in love with her after a few weeks and it has been the most difficult time of my life because I can't love her the way I want to? She seems to want to hang on to this "joke" of a marriage where he is seeing his new girlfriend whenever and wherever he wants! During the time she and I spent together, I thought we had something special, at least it seemed that way? She has things at my house, she keeps saying I'm her friend, and she only talks about her problems when we talk? She has said several times she loves me, and we have spent some serious crying time together, and I have bent over backwards to please her and make her happy,and done one hell of a job at it, but alas, she has tossed me to the side while she settles her marriage!--------It's been a year, she doesn't want me to leave, but she doesn't seem to want me either, what do I do? Wait for to come out of this, or move on if possible, to someone else? I really love her and she knows it, and to some extent, she has fostered my love for whatever reasons! I have put my life on the line for her and she is one of the few women who could walk away from her marriage, and be happy, if she wanted to! Please be gentle, I have fought so hard with my feelings, and she knows how hard it has been!
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Quite possibly she just doesn't share the same feelings for you that you have for her. Just because she has a crappy marriage does not mean she wants to settle for a man whom she is not attracted to. She has made friends with you but she may not see you as the man she really wants to be with. So by staying in her marriage she is still having the comfort of a home and the extra income while she waits for the right guy to come along. Believe me, if her marriage was all that bad and she was truly head over heels for you, she would have already made her move.
A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (1 July 2012):
Quite possibly she just doesn't share the same feelings for you that you have for her. Just because she has a crappy marriage does not mean she wants to settle for a man whom she is not attracted to. She has made friends with you but she may not see you as the man she really wants to be with. So by staying in her marriage she is still having the comfort of a home and the extra income while she waits for the right guy to come along. Believe me, if her marriage was all that bad and she was truly head over heels for you, she would have already made her move.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Thank all of you for your responses to "My First Love" question! All of you hit my problem on the head, I hate you were all right? I have walked away after a year and have no contact now with her, yes I still hope for the best, but I know it won't happen! I don't feel like a fool for trying to care for her, I do for being fooled though. It's a shame she won't give this a chance, believe it or not I was really good for her and she knows it! -------Many thanks! for your time.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 What do you want to hear OP? This woman is using you, you are allowing yourself to get used, she wont move out of her marriage, you don't want to move on...its all one big mess. You know what you should do, right? Leave her and move ahead. I don't know what's stopping you. Please don't say that you love her, if love was enough then we wouldn't have any problems in the world! Be reasonable, be sensible and get a grip on yourself. Don't waste your life for someone who doesn't respect you and if you do, then don't crib about getting used.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Common" the answer is so obvious.....
Now I understand when people say: "love is blind"
**best wishes**
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 July 2012):
Hi My First Love,
You love this woman, and through out the years while the friendship was developing you became emotionally attached to her, and that's what's stopping you to see the true clearly. Yes, her husband is selfish, no class, no integrity or morals. But, if she knows he's all that why stay and allow him to mistreat her? That's her problems. Her husband might be classless, but he's doing his thing, living his life. When she doens't do anything about it, only complains, feel pity then there's nothing you as friend can do. Sorry, she's using you, getting emotional strengh from you, but honestly there's something wrong with her, too. Why don't you let these 2 weirdos live their dysfunctional life's together and stay away from both of them. I think you already wasted too many years for this woman. Find someone that is honest, normal, kind, smart, that can love you and make you happy. Leave, and be strong, because by the time you start ignoring her she will play mind games with you, and become aggressive. Do not be fool, please....
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 July 2012):
 She is lying to you and she is using you.
Her dishonesty extends to you and her partner and who knows who else.
You meet one need that she has and she has no problems using you just as she would use any tradesman for any specific job she had around the house.
Stop wasting your time with her. you are being used to shore up her marriage and you are helping her to feel stronger to face her marriage.
Once her marriage is on track she will invent another excuse to get rid of you, if you do not leave earlier when she is trying to 'let you down' gently.
Tell her to go and pay for a Professional Counsellor instead of using you. As You have a life to lead with Real Honest Genuine People who value you for YOU - not for how they can use you.
She is far too selfish for your needs.
You can do better.
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A
female
reader, Melaniee +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Just try to be a good friend, respect her decisions & hope for the best!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): "She says she loves me yet she doesn't want to walk out of her bad marriage"
"I have put my life on the line for her and she is one of the few women who could walk away from her marriage, and be happy, if she wanted to! Please be gentle, I have fought so hard with my feelings, and she knows how hard it has been!"
Like anyone involved with the lawfully wedded spouse of a third party, you know only one side of the story and should you have occasion to hear hubby's account it would likely be very different.
Lacking further details, only reasonable conclusion is your lady friend has determined that whatever benefits she stands to retain by staying in her marriage, financial or otherwise, outweigh the benefits of filing for divorce in order to be legally and morally free to pursue a relationship with you.
It would seem like she wants the best of both worlds, simultaneously enjoying the security of her marriage to a jealous, possessive, supposedly unfaithful husband and the passion of her romance with a devoted, loyal, loving boyfriend.
Unfortunately, it appears she's willing to string you along for as long as you're willing to let her, which would seem to be indefinitely. She SAYS she loves you, but nothing she DOES backs up her so far empty promises.
To be gentle, you need to put your emotions on temporary hold, step back and realistically assess exactly where you stand with your lady friend. To be gentle, the conclusion
you're likely to reach is probably not going to be the one for which you were hoping.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Sounds to me you only heard one side of the story, first of all don't judge your friend based on what she told you, It seems like she's going to USE you to make your friend jealous since she's going back to her husband in the end, I have never in my life know anyone that wakes up one day and decided out of the blue to cheat on their wife unless he's unhappy or he finds out the wife cheated.Think about her story man I'm sure you were not born yesterday, the fact she's forgiving him should tell you something, there should be a story behind it, What you need to do is talk to your friend & find out the truth, tell him that his wife is very upset and that she seeks advice from you, put yourself in his shoes....Are you going to be ok with one of your friends lusting over your wife??? Are you going to be upset that he believes everything she told him over you? No one knows this woman more than her husband & who are you to judge?? respect their marriage vows please..
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (1 July 2012):
 I have started to answer your question several times, but I keep coming back to your request for us to be gentle with you, so I keep deleting.
This is all a bit weird, you have known her for 20 years, but you didn't really get to know him?
I believe she is using her, whether to boost her ego, or just so that she has somebody to listen to her I cant say.
I think she is playing silly buggars with you, I don't think she is as caring for your feelings and you believe. You need to decide what you want from this relationship and then ask her what she wants, dont let this situation drag on and on. If she isnt willing to make changes to her circumstances then it will be best for you to just let her go.
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