A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had one of the best nights of my life with a beautiful woman last week and I’d really love to take things further with her and start a relationship but whilst she said she really likes me the age gap between us seems to bother her a lot. The thing is she’s also said she gets quite lonely so I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want some more company in her life. There’s 16 years between us. I’m 27 whereas she’s 43. I’m currently training to be a solicitor whilst she’s an accountant. We met last month at the gym when everything started to re-open again in the UK. It all started with innocent chit-chat on neighbouring treadmills but when she said she was looking for a personal trainer I offered to train her myself having had previous PT experience. It was a no-brainer really because otherwise she would have had to wait until restrictions were eased further in Mid-May until she could hire a PT herself. So we became gym buddies in effect. I will admit I fancied her from the off which is why I offered to help her. It didn’t matter one bit to me that she was older and more mature looking, I was really, REALLY attracted to her. She offered to pay me for training her but I refused; I couldn’t take a penny off her. Just getting back to the gym and out of my flat after months of lockdown was enthusiasm enough but knowing she’d be there increased that enthusiasm tenfold. I was almost doing cartwheels inside when she revealed she was single as well. Admittedly it made me push the boundaries more and after a few weeks of innocent flirting as we trained I made it clear I really liked her. I honestly thought she wouldn't even entertain the idea but to my surprise she was interested. We started messaging outside of our gym time together and our flirting intensified to the point where it was clear our training was becoming less of a priority. One evening after a workout last week I invited her to have a drink with me but to be honest the sexual tension was that intense we didn't even bother and ended up kissing in the gym car park. Then we went back to her place and slept together, twice. It was honestly the best sex I'd ever had. Just so raw and passionate. She was incredible. Her body is just so sexy (especially her bum). She was definitely my type in that sense. But afterwards we just sat in bed talking for hours. I couldn’t believe how easy she was to talk to. I thought nothing of talking about deep personal stuff with her, and vice versa. I wasn’t even bothered that I only got about 3 hours sleep that night and turned up late for work. Not that I was much use at work as all I could do was think about her. You literally could not wipe the smile off my face either. I genuinely felt like we had a proper connection. We have loads in common, ranging from travelling ambitions to football. She even loves a nice cold, lager. I’ve literally never met another woman who likes lager in my life! The feelings I’m getting feel so strong even though I’ve only known her for barely a month and a half. I can’t even remember feeling this strongly at the start about my ex-fiancé who I was with for 5 years. I offered to take her out for a meal on a proper date this past weekend and she agreed at first but then cancelled. I won’t lie I was gutted. She was completely honest though and said even though she really liked me she didn’t want to get my hopes up about how far this could actually go. She said she didn’t regret our night of passion together but just thinks the age gap will be too much. I was quite angry at first because I felt like she’d just used me but really I was never going to stay mad at her for too long and we cleared the air somewhat the following day. Again though she told me she really liked me and agrees that we have loads in common as well, which is probably the worst part of all of this. She’s divorced with no kids and lives alone with just her dog. Her house is a huge 4-bedroom one as well in a really nice part of Cheshire in England. Admittedly she shared the house with her husband until they split but from a personal point of view I couldn’t imagine living in a house that big on my own. She does have a group of friends who she sees every couple of weeks but apart from going to work and walking the dog she said she doesn’t really do much else. Obviously there’s the gym with me but that’s during the week. I’d hate to think of her being on her own all weekend. When she told me how lonely she feels some days I just I felt really, really sad for her because she’s such a down to earth person and has an amazing personality. It beggars belief that someone like her doesn’t have more people in her life. Her husband left her out of the blue 4 years ago just as they were planning to start a family, but obviously that all went up in smoke. He was pretty lenient in their divorce proceedings and let her keep the house for herself as it was her ‘dream home’ and he wanted to move abroad, but even so she said she took it really badly, though she’s now managed to move on from it. She said lockdown and working from home for months on end was horrible as well as she could go days without talking to an actual person face to face. I can definitely vouch that loneliness is a horrible thing. But it’s just a shame that the age gap seems to be the only stumbling block for her. It honestly doesn’t bother me one bit. To be honest I’ve always had a thing for older women as it goes. I do feel like I’ve matured as well, especially in the past year or so. The whole pandemic has made me have a different outlook on life. Before I was only bothered about getting paid and going out on the lash with my mates and my girlfriend (now ex of course) but now all I want to do is broaden my horizons and have genuine life experiences instead. For example travelling and seeing the world. She talked about traveling around Asia in countries like Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia etc. I’d absolutely love to do that. I’d go tomorrow if it was plausible. I’d also been sat on a law degree for the best part of 6 years that I’d made no use out of but now finally I’m actually on course to become a solicitor in the next couple of years or so. Believe it or not I was also thinking about getting a dog as well before we even met, so we could even go on dog walks together! More and more about this makes complete sense to me. I genuinely don’t see the appeal of going out on the lash anymore. A cosy night in with a takeaway and a few beers does me fine now. My mates literally can’t wait until nightclubs open at the end of June but I’m honestly not bothered. I’ve definitely moved on from all that. A woman in my age range anymore doesn’t really appeal to me anymore either. I don’t know why but in my previous three long term relationships I’d always felt like something was missing, hence why none of them worked out in the end. I’m wondering if this ‘thing’ I have for older women is a lot stronger than I realise. Like I said I’m experiencing feelings I’ve never felt before. A lot of the time I can’t stop thinking about her. Sure I’ve met girls in the past who I’ve thought about a lot but she’s different, I can already tell. She gives me butterflies in my stomach. I’m literally itching to see her all the time, even if it is just at the gym. To be honest I think she also worries that if it got serious then she wouldn’t be able to have children with me if we ever happened to cross that bridge. Obviously it’s a problem that a lot of older women have to face if they have younger partners. She said she’s not been through the menopause but of course it’s not as likely that she’d be able to get pregnant at 43. My whole attitude however is that I’m not overly bothered either way about having kids. If it happens then I’d be happy but if it doesn’t then I’d just find other things in life to make me happy instead. That’s always been my way of thinking. The other night we went to the gym again and honestly you could’ve cut the sexual tension between us with a knife. It killed me when she simply said goodnight with a hug at the end and drove home, though part of me could tell she really didn’t want to. I just thought why? Why fight it? Let me take you out! The pandemic has also taught me that you need to take every opportunity in life that comes to you. I’d like to think we could at least try? Like I said the age gap doesn’t bother me one bit and I wouldn’t care less what other people thought about it. We are both adults at the end of the day and that’s all that should matter. We do still message all the time. Every day in fact and that for me speaks volumes. It can be flirty and suggestive at times but mostly it’s just talking about nothing. We’re already at that point with each other. Obviously I would never force her into anything she really doesn’t want to do but honestly there’s nothing that convinces me she isn’t interested deep down. And that isn’t me being cocky or arrogant thinking she wants me, but put it this way; Last night we literally texted each other for hours, again just talking about nothing. But there was lots of flirting as well, both ways. I just kept thinking we should be on a proper date doing this. What do I do? Just carry on like we are as ‘gym buddies’ in the hope that she’ll decide to eventually give ‘us’ a chance? Or am I just being delusional that this could ever work?
View related questions:
ambition, at work, divorce, flirt, kissing, move on, my ex, neighbour, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2021): You mention she lives in Cheshire...a lovely and affluent area of northwest England. When I visited Cheshire I was in Knutsford and met many very affluent women...obviously had the funds to take care of themselves...very nice and a number divorced having been married to footballers...some of them. Very very posh and I wonder if she is in that set
I was thinking as I read your questions and some of the replies that a double standard still exists. I have always thought there is a natural affinity for a young at heart older woman and a younger man but boy is it fraught with problems to take it to the next level. There are some fantastic answers to your question and many mention the biological clock and the stigma of an older woman and a younger man. There is a double standard.
My brother is married for a second time to a woman thirty years his junior. He is a lawyer too and people might think she was his daughter actually. There is pushback from some women his own age but not much...his second wife is great.
You really do seem to like her from your post but fast and impetuous sex is not the same the day to day steady and sometimes mundane stuff that leads to lasting love
I think she knows this...she has been married.Slow it down. Try pulling back and slowing down. How well do you know her...really know her. Are you compatible in your taste in music,politics, interests ect.
I know the perception is that she has more to lose but you could get your heart smashed too. I applaud you for seeing the depth, intellect and maturity of an older woman. Society is not always kind.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2021): Youcannotbeserious - it is she that knows that promises can be rash and maybe empty words. It is she that knows that people change their mind or get carried away with lust. She is being the sensible one here, he is being the one who is not looking at the whole picture.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2021): Your youthful-inexperience clouds your judgement. You have yet to mature to the point of seeing the whole picture, and beyond. She has been married and divorced. She has an established career. Her life has nearly come full-circle. You're sitting on a law degree. I assume that to mean you've completed your undergrad degree, pending the BPTC, and completing one-year pupillage in Chambers. In short, you're yet to finish your law studies; and begin the profession you've studied for.
Sexual-tension and lust are hardly any good indication of feelings and true compatibility. She has seen life from the standpoint of an adult (for several years); and realizes all the consequences or repercussions of her choices. People always have afterglow, good-chat, and euphoria after good-sex. So what's new?
You're young and impulsive; and can't see things from her female-perspective. An older-female approaching menopause, and she has a well-established life; while you're still boyishly-crushing on someone who has known life and relationships to the level of marriage. You are very taken by the novelty of being with a woman old enough to be your mother. A very popular theme for porn these days; and women are very much aware of it.
She is naturally attracted for all the obvious biological-reasons. Who wouldn't be, if some youngster made you feel attractive and desirable after a long period of seclusion and during the post-divorce phase of your life? Middle-age makes us more introspective, and somewhat ambivalent about our aging process. We might make foolish moves to cling to our fleeting youth; and sometimes do things that defy logic. Only to regret it!
For her, this whole thing is a feeling of awakening you get after an emotional-dormancy; but those emotions tend to be tricky and deceiving. They are often rebound-feelings, or neediness. The sexual-tension comes from a long period of sexual-inactivity.
Naturally she's impassioned. She has been alone for a long-time. Shut-in and dreading a deadly pandemic! Finally able to come-out of hiding!
However, she seems to be a sophisticated and practical woman. She also knows how complicated and unpredictable a man twice your age can be; let alone a guy who has never been married, and even his engagement didn't workout! At your age, you are smitten out of your socks today; and the minute a hot-female crosses your path, your hormones go haywire! Suddenly, the novelty wears-off; and you'll see an aging-female. Changing before your eyes. Fighting time and gravity. The "Mrs. Robinson" in every young-man's life. Reference, "The Graduate." An old Dustin Hoffman movie.
Going public in a very judgmental-society is no fun. She has to be in a room with younger-women all setting their sites on you. While wondering if she's your mother? People her age and older, thinking you're some boy-toy, or a gigalow. It will hurt her feelings and humiliate her. Easy for you not to care. You're the younger-one! Sixteen-years is a major age-gap, my friend! Then there's her friends and relatives. Trying to participate in activities appropriate for your age, that would make her look foolish! The difference in energy levels, and life-experience. It would be like having a son. Males age slower in appearance. She'd be pressured to obsess over her appearance, for your sake.
No, sir! The world is never as simple as two consenting-adults. You still have to face the scrutiny of the public, your families, stares, and unsolicited-opinion from rude strangers. She will catch the worst of it! She will always find herself explaining things, or feeling guilty for depriving you of a female closer to your age; or the option of having a family. Which you can claim you don't want now, completely lie about; or decide a year from now that you do! You are from a totally different generation with completely different ideology and outlook. She had a head-start on life sixteen years before you were even an embryo! Oh, and then there's your parents!
Another thing mature-females also have to look-out for are younger-men with gerontophilia. No-one wants to be objectified or lusted after for certain attributes you possess; like your race, your weight, or your age. That's not a purely natural attraction; but one that might originate from a probable psychological or developmental-issue. Even from child-molestation, childhood-abandonment; or trauma from child-abuse, and neglect from your mother. There's a lot to consider, even when your hormones are raging; and your passions are off the chart. It's not as simple for her, as it is for you.
Don't pressure her. Too much emphasis on sexual-flirtation and seduction is proof that this is all less emotional and more sexual in nature. Making it high-risk for a woman of her age. I expect the wisdom of age and her feminine-intuition to prevail. Were she a man, he'd think more with his penis.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 May 2021):
 Accept that she isn't looking for anything serious.
That would be my advice. YOU might want to make it a long-term and serious relationship but (at least for now) SHE doesn't. So DIAL it back, OP
If YOU are looking for something serious, SHE isn't it. Even if you reallllllllly like her. You don't know her. Not really, and you can't LOVE someone you have JUST met, that's lust and infatuation, NOT love. So again, DIAL it back.
If she isn't ready to go on a date with you, then go back to the "gym buddies". And then you can give her some time to decide if she is willing to invest in you (emotionally) or not. Let's say 6 months down the line and she STILL doesn't want to go on a date with you, you might have to ACCEPT and REALIZE that you were just "entertainment" a REBOUND after her divorce.
My guess is that she enjoys you. Your company, enthusiasm, and your personality. THAT doesn't mean she wants to DATE you. And she did tell you that she felt lonely due to not having much interpersonal contact during the pandemic.
She is still processing the breakup of her marriage. Afterall SHE will probably NEVER have kids because her husband waited until she was getting close to the "fertility expiration date" And yes, after 35+ the fertility rate (for healthy pregnancies) goes down drastically - though PLENTY of women in their 40's have children too, some just don't WANT to at that point.
I think she is being smart in wanting to slow it down a bit. YOU on the other hand are getting ahead of yourself.
SLOW your roll. If she is someone you want to get to know better, then TAKE your time doing JUST that. If in 6 months she still doesn't want anything deeper (and YOU do) then LET her go and find someone who WANTS to be with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2021): She has a lot more life experience than you.I would trust her to make the call.You are still in school.She is already established.But these things can work sometimes.I have a friend whos wife was much older.She died when he was in his fiftys.She was early seventys.Broke him.If she had a stroke and was bedridden would you care for her?If you had to change diapers on her could you do it?There are a lot of things you need to think deeply about and discuss.Are you prepared to never have children?So many things.After long time of thinking and discussions with her only you two can decide.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 May 2021):
 I don't think you are being delusional at all. However, your stumbling block is how SHE feels, not how YOU feel.
I think you need to sit down with her and discuss this at length. Don't start the conversation with the one-track goal of changing her mind; make the purpose to understand, REALLY understand, why she has reservations. I would actually explain that to her so she does not feel pressured to come round to your way of thinking. It may be that, after the conversation, YOU are the one to change your mind and realise SHE is right.
Find out why, despite the obvious connection and attraction, she is reluctant to get involved with you. When she tells you, you need to listen. REALLY listen. Don't immediately jump in with "but that won't happen" because, being older and more experienced than you, she knows ANYTHING can happen, even after a couple get married. Listen and consider everything she says, regardless of how minor it sounds to you. To her it is important.
You need to understand how different a risk like this looks from your age and from hers. Say the relationship lasts for a couple of years, you will still be in your 20s and have plenty of time to find someone else with whom to settle down. She, on the other hand, will be in her mid to late 40s and have fewer options and opportunities.
Don't make rash "forever" promises because SHE knows they may be empty words. In your shoes I would tell her pretty much what you have so eloquently written in your post - that you are immensely attracted to her, that you feel a connection beyond the physical and that you would really like to have her in your future. Point out that there are never any guarantees with relationships but that we should grab happiness when it is offered.
Good luck. I would love to know whether you two manage to make a go of things.
...............................
|
