A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hi everyone, I'm in what feels like a ridiculous situation and I'm just looking for some clarity, and confirmation that I am not the one who is completely crazy!Here goes... I'm in a relationship with a girl and we've been together 8 1/2 months. Our relationship has been pretty good up until now, but after this recent issue has been blown out of proportion I feel like it could potentially go under.Anyway, the other night it was planned for my family and myself to go out to dinner and a movie, because it has been such a long time since we've done something with all of us together for financial reasons and in that my dad travels with work a lot. Anyway, it turns out that my sister's boyfriend of nearly two years was invited to join us because he and my sister had been spending the day together. I was only made aware of this whenever I got home from work and about 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave. I was happy for him to join us and we had a really nice night out together.But after I told my girlfriend that my sister's partner had joined us, she flipped out. She got all upset and said she felt like she had been snubbed. I was literally in tears over it. I don't understand. I couldn't have done any more to have invited her along, I am entirely blameless in all this. Maybe my family could have invited her, but it didn't make much sense to in that we would have to get her to get all her things together, get a bus over to our house (I couldn't have picked her up because I was working), it would have meant taking two cars instead of one, it would have been another movie ticket to pay for and another head at the dinner table to pay for... there are a number of reasons why it would have been more hassle, logistically it just didn't make sense inviting her.It isn't like this is something that happens a lot, in fact this is the only time I can recall that we haven't invited her along to something. So why has she reacted this way? I understand that she feels left out, but she must know that if circumstances had been different then of course we would have invited her! So, I've gone out for a nice family meal and now suddenly I'm in a position where both my g/f and I have had a sleepless night, all for something as stupid as this. And it's made me think - what happens if we don't invite her to the next thing we do? Or the next? Is she going to react like this every time? Furthermore, why does she think that we would purposely snub her? My parents do everything to make her feel welcome when she comes over. My mum is always offering her things when in our home, as is my dad.I'm so confused. Please give me some clarity - is she over-reacting or have either my family or me unintentionally done something really wrong? Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 I thought about this one and read what you wrote a couple of times. She has every right to be upset by it, and you are the biggest cause of the problem.
This family outting was PLANNED. This means that your sister's boyfriend could have gone home and enjoyed a nice evening by himself. The fact that they spent all day today doesn't obligate them to include him.
I don't think it was your family that snubbed her. I think you wanted a family outting with just yourself. You could have done the same thing your sister did and requested the invitation of your GF, but you didn't. Your sister requested the invitation of her BF. Like you said, he didn't just show up uninvited. They invited him.
You also made a lot of excuses why she couldn't be invited, primarily because of a logistical hassle for her to be able to join you. This is precisely why things are planned out. The idea that you cite that is lame in my opinion. And why couldn't she have paid for her dinner and ticket? Did she run out of money?
I think this is a pretty bad situation, and you are the cause of it, not your family. They didn't snub her because you already did snub her yourself. You didn't ask them to include her because you already dismissed the notion of her being along. If I were her, I'd be thinking of breaking up too because in a girl's eyes, it would feel to me like you didn't want me included in your family.
You need to make amends and YOU need to take responsibility for what happened, because it wasn't your family that snubbed her. You snubbed her by telling her that it was just family, when in reality, it wasn't the truth.
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (7 June 2012):
The problem I can see OP, and probably what your gf sees, are that your reasons for not inviting her all seem to be "logistics", and nothing that would actually have been a big deal- especially as the onus would have been on HER to get her stuff together and to get the bus to your parents' house. I sort of feel that the cost issue is a bit of a red herring as well: your family were happy to pay for your sister's bf, but were not prepared to cover your gf? I mean, if you were concerned about the money aspect, couldn't you have paid for your gf?
I do think that your gf is overreacting a bit, but I can see completely where she is coming from. You say it was a family event, but actually it was family + one partner. The way you describe the situation is probably the vibe that your gf is getting from you: ie. inviting her was "more hassle" and "logistically....it didn't make sense." There is no feeling there.
On the other hand, I also see your position. I suspect that she had wanted to come along to begin with, but was happy not to when you told her it was family only, except, it wasn't family only, but she wasn't invited. I don't think it's a big deal, and no reason to flip out, I agree, but the way you describe it does make me understand why she should have felt so upset about it. Moreover, if it was family only, why didn't your sister's bf get told that he wasn't invited to join you?
ANyway, just be careful in the way you discuss this with your gf. You can't turn back the clock, and you are right, you haven't done anything wrong. I just think that perhaps you need to be a bit more sensitive.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (7 June 2012):
 I can understand why your girlfriend is upset. You mentioned 'family night' and then invited your sister's boyfriend so quite rightly your girlfriend is upset that as another outsider was invited why wasn't she. Your g/f won't care at all about the logistics she will just be upset that he was invited and that she wasn't and I can't say I blame her. The fact that another head at the table and another ticket would cost money are somewhat irrelevant as the issue is that it wasn't just a family night it was family night plus your sister's boyfriend and not her. She will have read into this that she is not as important, not good enough, the relationship isn't deemed as serious , unwanted etc etc and I would feel exactly the same. I think you need to make amends asap as I am not sure if I was her that I would forgive you and I too would be very very upset.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): sounds like she heard you say "family night only" and was kinda ok with that but then you went and told her a partner was also in attendance, which then begs the question "why not her as well".i gotta say i hope you didn't say to her that if she came it would have meant the inconvenience of another car and having to buy another movie ticket and another meal. cos that really does come across to me as her company being a financial burden on everyone else.no one likes to feel left out even if it unintended, by having another sibling's partner in attendance she is now probably feeling deliberately excluded.you've also got a habit of describing you and your family as "we" and your partner as "her". so yes, she probably is over reacting but if you speak to her the same as you write about her on here i can see why she is feeling a little excluded.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2012):
 Sounds like your GF is seriously overreacting. Why can't you go hang out with your family for once without it having anything to do with her? I would tell her that if he had been there she would have been welcome to join, but that you thought it was just the family so you didn't ask her. It's that simple.
Why she is reading more into it I'm not sure, anything else going on?
You need to sir her down and talk to her.
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