A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We have only been married for 5 months, together for over 2 years. We had a pretty massive fight that has been going on for a few days. We have said a couple times that it's "the beginning of the end" or just eluding that we won't make it. Is that common to say when really angry? Is it common to feel like you won't make it when you have a large fight? Or are we truly not going to make it since we said these things? I am quite worried we aren't strong and won't last since this was said. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): It depends on how each person conducts their interpersonal relationships. Some people like to throw around words and exaggerate to get attention or to make a point. Other people are very accurate in saying only what they mean, no more and no less. I tend to be the latter kind of person and I have very little patience for people like the former kind.For example, to me you do NOT talk about ending the relationship or marriage unless you are dead serious about it. You don't threaten divorce if what you actually want is for your spouse to change some behavior that's making you unhappy while you're not actually prepared to leave them forever. If you're not actually prepared to file for divorce and never see your spouse again, then you do not talk about ending the marriage. You need to be prepared to put your money where your mouth is. you just need to know yourself and your wife well enough to know whether this is the beginning of the end, or just empty words. Realize also that feelings can and do change. So even if you express doubt about your marriage today, your feelings can change in the future if something changes in the relationship. For example, during our roughest time a few years ago, when I was seriously ready to divorce my husband, I told him honestly that I wish had never married him and that I had never met him. Because that really is truly how I felt at the time, I really was very bitter and really was beating myself up for having decided to marry him, and he needed to know that this was how I felt, because that shows how much I hated what he had become and how extreme my feelings were about it. He did change and now our marriage is better and now I no longer feel like I wish I had never married him. But that is only because new developments happened that changed my feelings (namely, he stopped doing a lot of hurtful things). But if he had not changed it would have been just fine with me, I would have simply left him and started a new life on my own. You do not talk about divorce as a way to get your spouse to change, you do it when you are serious and ready to follow through. At least that's me.You and your wife may be different. One or both of you may have a habit of saying things you dont' mean but just to get attention or because you don't know how to express what you really do feel and want. I dont' know you or your wife so I can't tell you if the words you've thrown around at each other mean anything or not.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2012):
 Getting married does not magically and instantly change who you are as a person, your temperament, your emotional reactions, your way to fight.
If either one , or both, is a fiery, belligerant temperament,- or an oversensitive , overemotional type that does not handle conflict well,.. or if you have never learned to fight fair ( no "hits below the belt", no things said ONLY to hurt the opponent... )... it won't be 5 months of marriage that will change overnight who you are.
I would not worry too much right now.
See how you feel, and how actually serious your differences feel, once you have regained lucidity and composure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): It might be a good idea to decompress first, then talk to your husband. Marriage is not easy or a remedy for fighting. If you fought before, you will still fight. You just need to reassure each other that what was said was said in the heat of the moment and didnt mean anything. If he is not prepared to say that, THEN might be the time to start worrying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): I guess I just thought when married it would be different. And stupid comments like that wouldn't happen since its supposed to be more serious now. So when we say we are failing it felt like we just aren't strong enough as a married couple. And other problems down the road may well end us if we are already saying this now. I hope it's just the fight. Because I am very worried.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 June 2012):
You were both angry, maybe furious, and when people are angry they say things that they don't mean , or exaggerate what they feel in that moment. " I hate you " " I wish I'd never met you " " You make me sick "... perhaps not a constructive way to fight , but quite common. It does not mean that what is told is an accurate assessment of the reality of things, it means that the two people are frigging mad at each other.
Wait until you have cooled down, and regained some calm ,objectivity and rationality, - if THEN you still feel exactly the same, there might be real trouble ahead, but not before.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 June 2012):
You were both angry, maybe furious, and when people are angry they say things that they don't mean , or exaggerate what they feel in that moment. " I hate you " " I wish I'd never met you " " You make me sick "... perhaps not a constructive way to fight , but quite common. It does not mean that what is told is an accurate assessment of the reality of things, it means that the two people are frigging mad at each other.
Wait until you have cooled down, and regained some calm ,objectivity and rationality, - if THEN you still feel exactly the same, there might be real trouble ahead, but not before.
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