A
male
age
36-40,
*rvus
writes:First of all, sorry for the long text. Jump to the [TL;DR] sections if you're in a hurry.ABOUT USWe've been together for the best five years of my life. We considered ourselves soulmates and we had agreed to spend our lifes together.We started as long distance partners (we live 1000 km apart) but eventually I began to visit her for more extended periods of time (up to four months). I was supposed to move in with her this month, but I had to pospone it because of work.When we were together, we lived like newlyweds. We shared cooking and dishes, watched the same TV shows, went out together, and we were extremely affectionate with each other.Sometimes we had our fights, but we NEVER said a single offensive word to each other. Even when we disagreed, we always respected each other and always ended up working things out.Most of all, it was very genuine. We're both very sincere people. We could talk about anything and be ourselves around each other.[TL;DR] Long distance, we only saw each other like four months a year, but it was a wonderful relationship, except for the parts of the year when we're not together.THE BREAKUPOur breakup was quite stupid. I got a second job so I could only spend a couple of hours a day with her. Sometimes she would fall asleep before I came home. Then we started missing entire days.Now, I used to take psychiatric medication for insomnia and social phobia. I have since stopped the treatment but I still have some leftover pills.The day came when I had to teach a class on a complicated topic and I hadn't had time to rehearse it. I was so stressed that I decided to take my social phobia pill and my antidepressant to be able to cope. Big mistake!The class went great. However, I realized that my brain was no longer used to the pills. The uplifting effect felt far stronger than usual... and the withdrawal effect too.The next day I was depressed and even slightly paranoid. I managed to catch my girlfriend online and say hello. At some point she mentioned a male friend of hers with which she had been spending some time lately. I'm not a jealous person (I was so confident of our relationship), but at that time I was; I told her (online) "then I wish you two a happy life" and I disconnected.Biggest mistake of my life. She took it as a breakup, and she thought our recent lack of communication meant that I didn't want to be with her anymore.[TL;DR] We had been spending less time together due to my work. She casually mentioned a male friend of hers. Under the effect of antidepressant withdrawal, I felt jealous and made a scene. She took it as a breakup.THE AFTERMATHI was desperate to get her back but I knew I had to let it cool off. I disappeared for three days and then she emailed me. She said she agreed to the breakup and that it was the best thing for the both of us, even though she missed me and felt hurt.In those three days I had come up with a plan. I saved some money to travel to see her the next day (which was our anniversary), give her a reconciliation gift (in addition to her anniversary gift), ask her out on a date and try to get her back with sympathy and tender moments.I took a day off from work to do so. I called her so that we could work things out, and to ask her about the date. Then we went online to talk about it.Turns out she didn't want me to go see her. She repeatedly told me it was over, because I had said so and she didn't have a choice. She refused to give me any reasons of her own, and was very melodramatic about the whole thing. I tried to be calm in order to confort her, but ended up coming across as cold (oh, the trouble with LDRs!).Eventually she told me to wait a couple of days because she would be busy with school on the day of our anniversary. So the date was posponed to the weekend.The next day I asked her when she would have time for the date. But she told me I shouldn't go see her and asked me if I understood that it was over. Of course I said no; why would our perfect relationship be over after such a petty misunderstanding? We had overcome so many obstacles together!I asked her if she was sure about it. She said "I think I'm sure".After she disconnected I told her I would go see her anyway since I had already bought the ticket (just to test if she was really serious about not wanting to see me).[TL;DR] I wanted to go see her and ask her out on a date so that we could make up, but she refused and insisted that it was over. Like she put it, "I think I'm sure".TODAYThat last conversation was yesterday. I'm desperately hanging on that "I think".This morning I sent her a couple of texts (I'm trying very hard not to overwhelm her, I know that's a no-no). I basically apologized for not realizing my mistake earlier, and promised to make up for it.I'm very puzzled about her behaviour. She keeps insisting that I asked for the breakup and all she did was agree. Yet she constantly drops sentences like "I didn't want this to happen", "I never thought we would break up", "It would have been a beautiful day to meet, but there's no going back now".From my perspective (maybe wishful thinking?) it looks as if she's saying these things to herself, to reinforce the idea that we won't be together ever again no matter what we feel.But most of all, I'm puzzled about why she would agree to a breakup after a simple misunderstanding, after we had been through much worse! Is there something I'm not seeing here?[TL;DR] I apologized (which I hadn't done before) by text and I'm still waiting for her to try to say anything to me.SO?Should I give her more time?Should I be confident and ask her what she really feels?Should I be gentle and tell her how much I still love her? (trying to sound positive instead of whiny, of course)Should I go visit her anyway and hope that she will agree to meet me once she knows I'm already there?Her whole behaviour is weird, like she's trying to punish me or punish herself (she does that sometimes).
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a break, anniversary, depressed, jealous, long distance, money, period, soulmate, text, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Orvus +, writes (30 November 2010):
Orvus is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just had confirmation that she is actually dating a guy she met a week before leaving me. So, as much as it hurts me, your guess was completely right.
What could have made her suddenly decide that this new guy was worth more than five years and a whole future together?
She was the one woman in the world who I thought would never do something like this to me. If it was a mistake to trust her, then I should just give up on trusting anyone else.
Sorry for venting here, but I just can't keep this inside. Anyway, thanks for helping me realize the truth.
A
male
reader, Orvus +, writes (27 November 2010):
Orvus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right, it does look hopeless now. Thanks for helping.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 Well then babes, its time to let go. It takes two to make a relationship work and she isnt meeting you half way. She's not meeting you ANY of the way. No matter how good it was before my guess is she has found someone else. Hugs, Denim
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A
male
reader, Orvus +, writes (26 November 2010):
Orvus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI sent her a text to test the waters, mentioning some food we like and playfully telling her not to hate me so much. She told me to never text her again because it was bothering her.
I don't understand how she can be so cold to me! She would have never told me anything so hurtful before.
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A
male
reader, Orvus +, writes (26 November 2010):
Orvus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, that's the situation. Personally I'd love to have a honest face-to-face conversation about this with her, but she keeps insisting that she doesn't want me to go see her.
I'm pretty sure that we could work it out in person and I don't understand why she wouldn't want to. When we were together, she was constantly asking me to see her more often.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (26 November 2010):
So if I understood this all correctly, you two haven't been physically in the same room...since the "break-up?" And the breakup was done by text or email or messenger, not face to face?
I think you should go and find a way to sit down face to face and discuss this matter. If at the end of that visit she is still adamant about it being over...you should accept that and move on.
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