A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a simple, but somewhat complicated issueI've working things out with my ex, she doesn't really view herself as someone who can fulfill my desires, we live two and a half hours from each other. She says she'll remain loving and give me the emotional side, yet she said that she's allowing me to have sex with anyone I want to fulfill my sexual wants/needs. I've been trying to tell her no, I'm fine, I want sex yes, but I can wait and such, it's nothing I'm not used to, but she's not really giving me a choice in the matter. It's pretty much an agreement I only agreed to so she'd get off my back about it, it's pretty much stating that I need to go and have sex with someone, and she says she's fine with it.She has social anxiety and not the best self esteem, nor past involving other guys and how they've treated her.What do you think I should do? I do not want to do it, I want to remain with her and work things out, but she keeps insisting I do it and feels I'm not respecting her wishes and that she's doing so much for me by doing that, yet I keep telling her I don't want to, despite her plea that it will make things better.
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male
reader, soon567  +, writes (24 November 2011):
I have no idea why people in here is blaming this woman for any and everything under the sun. Why encourage this man to keep this up. People have a right to say no to things that they'll find grading or regret for the rest of their lives. Ite obviously this is an ongoing problem that cannot be settle between.
If she has problems that require a therpist now you want to add more stress and worries to her life. You need to be compatable, you two are not.
I hope you see the underline problem her and it you two. You're not good together and their's no other advice that can be given.
She's not into certain type of sexual encounters. If you need another person then what does that say to you? let this go and find another one that has desires closer to yours.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 November 2011):
 You sound very kind and caring and strong enough to give your ex the support she appreciates very much. And it is clear that you want to stay in contact with her and support her even if she is unwilling to get counselling.
She wants your support and is happy to lean on you. But there may come a time when she may have to seek additional support. It is unfair to expect you to give your all, if she is not willing to consider exploring the possibility of additional support commensurate with the good empathic understanding support you have been giving her. You also have a life to lead.
It sounds like you are doing many things right in the way you support her social anxiety. So keep talking to your friend, for you have probably made a big difference in her life. You have been calm and approachable and have listened to her without judgment.
This clearly means a lot to her.
It is clear that you make her feel safe and that you have been doing many things to support her in all the right ways. Just make sure that you also look after you and take time out to support you.
But if her symptoms escalate, and you would be the best judge of this (if it starts to happen), then there may come a time when she is unable to continue without additional assistance. If she wishes for you to accompany her when she first visits a doctor, and the doctor is willing to have you present, then your presence at the first appointment may lessen her anxiety. Initially you may even need to help explain what is causing the most issues of concern. Then, as she develops more confidence, she should be able to explain things for herself.
I am not suggesting any pressure on her to get treatment. It is a fine tight rope to negotiate. You are a very important support to her.
If you see her improving and gaining more confidence in her ability to cope, and if you see her prepared to accept additional social support then you will feel more able to start living your life more fully and with less emphasis on being her carer. Right now you sound very committed to her and her good care. This is admirable of you.
You make a huge difference in her life.
But it is unfair of her to put all her support needs on your shoulders. Gently encourage her to consider options that will allow you to share the load with other professionals also giving her good support.
Because the problem of her social anxiety will not go away.
And you do not live close thus it is likely that you will start to spent less time together. It is at that point that her problems may even get worse. Do not feel guilt when this happens. It is not your fault.
If her condition does deteriorates (it may not, but it is better to develop an action plan before the crisis arrives) then expect some more distressing behaviour on her part. She does not mean to cause stress. A person is not well when this happens.
These potential problems in the future should not be ignored. She may not want to discuss this openly but it helps no one to keep putting off such discussion on an action plan.
As far as counsellors.
Not all counsellors are the same. there is no reason why, together, you and your friend could not interview a prospective counsellor or counsellors, before committing to counselling with any particular prospective counsellor.
Due to her unwillingness to seek outside support you may like to consider, initially, ways to help her regain her self-esteem. the following answer may include some (not all) suggestions that may have relevance to your ex
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/want-to-take-pride-in-being-myself-and.html
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 November 2011):
 The bottom line is you aren't suited for each other, sexually or emotionally. you may care for each other a great deal, but you are not a good match. That happens. It isn't anyone's fault.
I think the wise choice would be to let her go fight her own battles, preferably with professional help, while you find someone interested in the same sexual activities you enjoy, and to whom you connect with emotionally as well, since sex is so important to you.
You two do not have a viable relationship, alas.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I would have to say that your gf is not yet mature as a person. She seems confused. Who in the world would want and enforce their boyfriend to go have sex with others? She is not being honest with you, she is testing your strength or weakness.
It is a natural feeling that when we love someone, we tend to be possessive. That is when we love, ok? She may not love you at all, hence, this kind of enforcement. But as she still gives you the emotional need you want as a boyfriend, this gives me the gut feeling that she is doing a reverse psychology on you. Believe me, I've had friends who do this to their boyfriends and when the guy does what they suggest, they are the first one to hurt. They are only trying to conceal their weakness by telling you this and looking like this is their strength. But they are not being honest.
On this one, I would suggest that you ignore her rules, listen to your heart. Would you do this to someone you love? Sit down with her and tell her your reasons, if she wont understand you, then maybe you should leave the relationship. No person should dictate what you do especially if it's something that you don't believe in and something that would make you less of a person. If she insists, she does not respect you enough.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): No don't for a second believe that if you "honor her wishes" to go out and have sex with other women, that it will magically improve your relationship like she seems to believe. it will probably create more problems that she as yet doesn't foresee.
I think she's telling you to go have sex with other women for a couple reasons. one could be because she has low self esteem and depression and this could be a way for her to self-sabotage, as people with low self esteem and depression may often do unconsciously. She's acting out her self-hatred. And you happen to be a pawn in her need to destroy herself. So, don't do it even though she's insisting. If she insisted that you beat her or hit her would you do it? of course not. you would recognize that her "wish" is not coming from a healthy place, so you wouldn't honor it. Same thing here.
another reason could be that she feels inadequate sexually, but rather than deal with whatever it is she fears, she's trying to let herself off the hook yet ensure that your 'needs' will be met so you won't leave her. In other words, she doesn't want to work on herself as it pertains to the relationship, or work things out with you. And she knows what a likely outcome is of deep unresolved problems (the other person leaving) so she's devised this scheme to keep you with her without her having to work on herself to contribute to the relationship.
either way I don't think you should do it even though she's practically insisting. She's coming from a messed up place, she may think she'll be fine with it now but I don't think she will be if you actually did do it instead it'd probably create a lot of drama and problems. if you go along with what she supposedly wants, you're only helping to feed her distorted view of herself and the relationship and you would be contributing to her further low self esteem.
You should tell her again that you want to work things out, not do this unhealthy thing, and that she's avoiding working on the relationship. She has a distorted view of relationships if she believes that it's all compartmentalized - sex on the one hand, and "emotional stuff" on the other and that she can take care of one compartment and just send you off to get the other part taken care of elsewhere. I mean, sure there are people who can compartmentalize for themselves, but it's wrong of her to assume that of you if you're telling her you're not that way. she's blatantly refusing to listen to you and consider your point of view.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): This is a tricky one.
Part of me thinks she is finding a way to not commit to you, to allow you that freedom to move on and find someone else (even if its just for sex).
Another part of me thinks that she feels shes not good (maybe good enough?) for you and cant give you what you deserve.
I personally think you need to ask her straight out what SHE wants. Tell her you are not the type of guy to have a girlfriend but sleep with others. Tell her its either her solely or you break up and in time move on. Ask her what she really wants from you and if she says to be with you then tell her plain and simply that you will NOT sleep with any girl besides her and that you want to work things out together.
If she does decide its better off to end it then she obviously is feeling the relationship isnt strong like she wants it to be, so give it time. She'll soon come back, but if she hasnt after a while then move on and find yourself who wants to give you what you need.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCounselling is not an option, she despises counselling because of incompetent counsellers in the past telling her things no counseller should say (degrading comments).
She says that I can because we live a few hour from eachother and she knows I really love sex, but can't get it from her all the time, and she can't explore places I would like to, or want to revisit, so she just said go and do it with others so I can have that sexual freedom and whenever I want, while remaining with her.
I myself don't want to do that and she knows it, but insists on continuing to try and get me to do it. In my morals and beliefs, I can't have sex with someone else while I'm currently with, or am working towards getting with, because it's not right IMO. So the only reaosn I'd go through with it is if it meant keeping her, but honestly, I heard nothing good from stories like this, when people add in another body to the relationship because they think it'll "make it better". I know it won't, yea, I may feel great having sex with someone in the moment, but when I go to bed that night, it'll be worse than the night before.
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A
male
reader, Lancer500 +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Complicated issue, yet it seems you may not be expressing the whole pie.For a woman (age would help, since mores have changed over the years) to voluntarily be released from the spoken or unspoken physical needs you alone have says one thing below.It really means she is withdrawing from you emotionally, even though she says i love you this much, hence, why would you want a partial relationship with anyone? It seems you do not prefer a long-term relationship or one that leads to marriage. That is ok you don't, but if you do, these issues will never be resolved and most likely will translate and show up much later in other dark, upsetting ways that you will not be able to figure out the cause and she won't either...On the other hand, if you both just want to "have a good time" and are not investing into an intimate, long-term relationship continue this path.May I suggest, you are very creative in bed and want to be 10 times more and she just wants to be loved at the cost of her own respect or a portion of her self-worth...Have you thought of that? Are you willing to give up your most inner thoughts to her and what are you willing to give up, if she lets you? give and take is critical in all successful relationships.Respectfully, (not demeaning) if you really care for her more than anything and desire to build something long-term, both go to a counselor to really find out what she is not saying to herself and to you and vice versa.As you grow older, it is not about sex, it is about intimacy..Best of luck...J
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 November 2011):
I agree with Abella, she can't force you to have sex with someone else if you don't wish to do so.
It sounds like she's expecting you to do it, so she can see her self-fulfilling prophecy of being cheated on realized.
Maybe it is for the best that she's your ex; she sounds as though she has many issues to work on. Best to let her go and get on with your life; if she gets help and improves, well, that's wonderful. If not, well, you haven't invested your dreams in a woman who is your ex.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 November 2011):
This is one time where what she calls respect is imposing on your boundaries. Absolutely you do not need to seek out other sexual partners.
Perhaps her request is being driven by her own lack of self esteem. But if she does care about you emotionally it is certainly not going to make her feel better in the long run. Instead it will just support her premise that she is not adequate to give you mutually enjoyable intimate relations.
Sexual intimacy should be such a private and special relationship that only you decide is the right time, the right place and the right partner.
Continue to treat her respectfully. Talk with her, listen to her. An occasional sincere compliment. Even do some non-sexual happy activities with her. But nothing that looks like pressure for sex. Actively encourage her to get treatment and counselling for her social anxiety.
But do make it clear that it can only ever be your decision, when the time is right.
And that right now you are not interested, as it appears, neither is she.
She wants this done for her own reasons.
But she has no right to ask this favor of you.
And what you want is just as important as what she wants.
But there are some decisions no one has a right to impose on another
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