A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I was going out with a girl who is 25 and I am 35. We are just perfect for each other and in a really caring and loving relationship. We broke up recently abt a month ago with both of saying and knowing we deeply love each other. We have talked about twice after that with once a serious discussion on what she was feeling as she left. I am in he middle of a career move and not sure where it was going. SO she was scared and felt trapped since she couldnt decide her. In the talks after the bereakup I made her see and understand that we have the capability to do what it takes to stay toagther even if it means making compromises cause we are so good togather that its completely wasteful to do this. She however said she was in a lot of pain but feels she needs sometime on her own. We both know that we want to be with each other but the practicalities are coming in the way. I really want her back and I am helpless. Its been just over a month now and I can hardly focus on anything. She feels sad all the time and says she cares a lot about me but feels she cant change things. I want to change them. I have decided not to stay in contact for a few weeks and see how she feels. I really want her back. What do you guys think I should do to get her back, what should i tell her ot say that she feels that the love we have is so much more important than the practicalities.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): Unfortunately OP, you're perfect for each other in your mind only. If she thought the same thing then you wouldn't even need to be here.
You go into great lengths talking about how amazing you are together, how you love each other deeply but neither of those are true if she feels trapped in any way and your career change would not matter if it was.
OP love is not enough, you know that. A relationship has to be practical to work and when one partner feels trapped that's the opposite of practical.
OP if it was simply a matter of the circumstances getting in the way then she wouldn't need to break up, you'd talk it through together, you'd come to a compromise together.
But to me it really looks like she wants to take a different path in life than the one you've chosen and that really can't be fixed.
"what should i tell her ot say that she feels that the love we have is so much more important than the practicalities."
You can't OP, because to her they're not or you wouldn't have broken up. Love has never been enough on its own, you know this but you just hope it can pull you through well she doesn't think it can.
OP you put so much faith in love as a primary factor here that you're pushing her away more, she feels it's not enough, you think it is so how are you supposed to get her back when you're the one who won't face the reality of what she thinks. Instead of listening to her and trying to fix these practicalities, you want her to live on love alone when it's not enough for her, love doesn't stop you feeling trapped.
You seem to have this idea that you convince her of your point of view, well that hasn't worked has it? Frankly OP until you stop trying to force your "love conquers all" viewpoint on her and start listening to her and take her views seriously she's not going to come back.
You say you want to change things, but really the only thing you want is to her mind. Well that's not going to happen, and now that she's away from you that's even less likely.
You need to take a week or two to think, talk to your friends and family and get advice from them. You need to go back over all the things she said she felt and how she felt they were wrong and you need to see if there is anything you can change about you and your situation that would stop her feeling trapped with you. That is literally your only hope.
OP you sound quite selfish in your thinking "how do I get her back, how do I convince her, I made her see, I made her understand" no wonder she feels trapped OP, you're living in a fantasy world where she's just some confused fool and you know it all and have all the answers for her. How would you feel to be her? Do you even listen to what she says and are you going to make the effort and changes necessary to keep her? Not just willing to, OP, going to.
Time to come back down to earth OP, you don't have an amazing relationship, she's not confused, you have a broken relationship and a woman who felt so trapped she left you. Until you understand what's going on nothing is going to get resolved, so use your time wisely to think heavily on what you need to do win her back, not what she needs to be convinced of. Because that's just bullshit, that's not listening to her, that's just you trying to impose yourself on her yet again and I suspect that may well be the primary reason she feels trapped.
A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (8 June 2013):
 So you want to be with her if she changes for you. You are not a item now. She is in pain cause of you this wont work. If she is in pain do to you causing what makes yoh think you can win her back. Plus if you want to be with someone you accept them how they are haircut or not. She wants to be by herself so she can find someone who truly cares for her. Not just care for her if she is a new change for you thats crap. Nobodies doing that much to be with someone unless they are paying for it especially if they dont want to change. Sounds to me like you should look for a person willing to change for you and go from there. That way you dont have to worry about the ex and her pain. Start fresh start new start over with new practicalities. If you want her back you just tell her you accept her and that no change is needed that you want her back. Some people don't go back I tried this and got shut down over and over. People women tend to be done with you when you cross them and cause them pain. She probably wants revenge too for this pain caused. You can love someone from a distance Im sure you know this too. You can love someone and not even want to be with them that how I am. Deal with them the long way cause love is pain. Im like really on some other type of love cause if you fool over me and cause me pain you will continue and thats been proven over and over and over and over and over and over so I do trust you to fool over me over and over and over for the sake of love. Hope this helps some. No love lost.
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