A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello All- Looking for some opnions and advice here. Ive been seriuosly dating a woman for about five months now. After being in previous relationships Ive come to appreciate what a normal, healthy relationship is supposed to be. We are both single parents, she has 4 girls, i have 2. Her daughters live with her.She was married for 10 years, to a very controlling ,lazy , demanding person. Shes very independent, for she had no choice to be any other way. We dont live together, but do spend a lot of time together, we do family activities together. She is an incredible mom, who always puts her children first. The girls are great and ive become very attached to them. The oldest girls have struggled with the divorce and lack of time with their father,who lives 1500 miles away, but they've been very fair to me and have welcomed me into their lives. I know this is long, but all of these things factor into what has come up lately. She has recently started working,something she hasnt done in a few years, so her time with her girls has been reduced. Ive tried to help, with helping around her house, transporting kids, and such. At first she was resitent to me helping, but after talking about it , she welcomed it. All of our time together was at her discretion, for I dont want to get in the middle of her family. So basically everything is going great, until about a week ago, her kids are leaving for their fathers in a few weeks, and the oldest girl is very nervous, Dad has a new live in girlfriend, and her relationship with her Dad is very complex. My girlfriend told me a few weeks ago that she needed to spend some more alone time with her girls, which I fully supported. The great thing is we always talk things through, prepare. Well after a few days of not visiting, She has completly shut me out of her life, Very little communication, contact. She told me that she needed to focus on the girls and nothing else and could understand if I couldnt handle that. She told me it doesnt matter what she wants with me. She needed to do this. I asked her why that meant she had to be so cold and distant, that I had no problem with spending less time together, and she said its easier for her to just shut her feelings and wants with me off for now. Said she is trying not to miss me. I know there is a part of her that is scared of this relationship, she has admitted that. Shes afraid to let me completely in for the sake of losing that. I asked her straight up, if she was ending this with me and she said no.This is just about the girls right now, that she needed some time to concentrate on them. I just dont understand why that means she has to completly shut me out. ANY help or opinions on this greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (18 October 2008):
I think if she is sending her daughters off to see a controlling man then she is scared he's going to try and take them / turn them against her. Plus she knows it's going to be hard meeting "Dad's girlfriend."
She's giving them the message that even though she has you and a job, they come first. It's something she has to prove to them and herself.
Giver her time and don't accuse her of being cold or anything. Just send her the odd text / email to let her know you are thinking of her and are looking forward to seeing her again when she's ready.
She'll come round in her own time. Once her daughters are with their dad you'll have her all to yourself for a while anyway so you just have to wait your turn.
Good Luck!! xx
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