A
male
age
36-40,
*aul5263
writes:hello i have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now and recently we seem to have drifted apart a bit i spoke to her about this last night because it has been an on going thing now for a while.Just to give you a bit of back ground we've been on holidays abroad together, weekends away, camping all all the genral stuff that come with been in a relationship (i.e dinners, drinks0. Over the past 5-6 months ive noticed her work load increase which is taking its toll on our relationship a bit because it means going out less, less time spent together etc. We both have our own lifes and try to spend equal amounts of time with friends as each other which is no bother.when i spoke to her last night about it she said that she just wasnt sure about us anymore (this is a conversation ive been expecting for a while now) when i questioned her she just said that it wasnt the same as it use to be (meaning not spending enough quality time together). i fell that i have put a lot more effort in to this relationship over the past 6 months and my g/f agrees. she said that she knows she hasnt been giving it 100% and she apologised. when this big question came about what we were goin to do about it (break up/stay together) she said she needs some time to think about it which i have no problem with. i explained to her that she needs to take in to consideration all the good times we've had over the 4 years and not just the bad over the last 6 months.in the end she decided that she only wanted 3 days to think. ( that was a number she picked ).i just wanted to know what this looks like from a fresh eye if you know what i mean, ive been thinking about it for a few hours now. i realise that you are all not mind readers lol but some advise for someone who has been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated.p.s sorry its a bit long winded)thank you
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 Good luck! We're keeping our fingers crossed for you.
A
male
reader, paul5263 +, writes (23 September 2009):
paul5263 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMariab
thank you. it is worrying and i always find that my brain manages to make things sound alot worse than they are. i fully understand where your coming form when you say about it been hard to stand back when your in love. i think this is because im affraid of what she might be thinking. thanks for a great answer. i was begining to think that eveytime a girl says she needs space that its just a nice way of saying its over. i think youve gave me abit of confidence and some hope that maybe things could be ok. thanks again
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A
male
reader, paul5263 +, writes (23 September 2009):
paul5263 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLola1
thanks for the help, shes only goin to be working these shifts now untill january i think we've got through te worst part of it. i just carnt belive after all this time it starting to slip. wish there was something i could do but i fully understand what you meen when you say i need to stay back and let her think.
i often buy her flowers and tell her how much i love her. honestly words carnt describe how much i care about her. i trust her 100% without any doubts about anything. there are alot of questions here that i really havent thought about and mebys i should thank you for helping me see them.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (23 September 2009):
Since you've already said you are going to give her space, sending a text saying it again is redundant.
Like you said, none of us knows what the outcome will be. Even if we were mind-readers, we can't reach into her mind and find an answer she doesn't have yet.
I can say I believe she cares about you. If she is questioning the future of the relationship, it may be because she is entering into a new phase in her life (additional work load is a good clue), and isn't sure where the boyfriend of her past fits in. It could also mean she is aware that her circumstances do not allow her to give to your relationship the same way and, feeling guilty, she doesn't want to be unfair to you, although she would love to still be your girlfriend.
What I think you should be doing is thinking about this situation yourself. Ask yourself a few key questions.
If her work arrangement is such that it will remain this way for a very long time, can you live with that?
This means that you feel secure enough in the relationship that you believe it can withstand less time together for now, in exchange for a stronger relationship in the long run. It also means that you are going to be CONTENT with that arrangement and will not point out the times you are missing or what you're giving up. Instead you would be busying yourself with your life and keeping the emotional intimacy alive in creative in romantic ways.
You can tell her you love her and miss her (without being pouty!) in a card which accompanies flowers or just in a card you mail to her. You can send her love notes once or twice a week, which update her about your life in an upbeat and happy way, via email.
Also ask yourself if you have the same life goals. Maybe four years ago, you did. Did this change? Do you both want marriage and children (someday - not today)? Do you want to live in the city or in the country? Do you plan to work through your twenties and think about children while in your thirties? Does one want to live in a condo and the other in a house with a white-picket fence?
I think anything worth having is worth working for. I have a feeling that, as long as your life goals are in sync, and you can offer her space within the relationship to get to a place in her career when she has more time, your relationship will be stronger for it.
But one thing you didn’t mention in your post was whether or not YOU wanted the relationship to continue. Are you thinking about it, too?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (23 September 2009):
 You sound like such a lovely guy!! Well its always a worrying sign when a partner asks for space! The thing is to give it to her FULLY. You see people ask for space when they feel suffocated or maybe they start having doubts in their minds... so you need to not bombard her with the questions (men do this alot when asked to step back a little). Just let her be. Tell her that you respect her need for space and that you love her you will give her what she needs. Say this (in a text is best) then don't contact her. Let her come back to you when she is ready! She will then see what her life is like without you. They say If you love something...set it free. Its hard to do nothing when you love someone... but if you don't want to lose her, you need to respect her wishes. Good luck... you really sound so caring in your letter... if she doesnt come back... its really her loss! God Bless xx
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