A
male
age
41-50,
*rhunt
writes:My girlfriend recently told me she needed some space and some time alone to work out personal issues, this hurt and upset me that she wouldn't let me try to help. Over the next couple of days I text messaged her several times. About two days later she told me that we shouldn't be together because I wouldn't allow her to be alone. I was worried about her during this time. She has a child and has strong feelings against her son from having a stepfather based on her rocky relationship with her stepmother. Now she won't talk to me and still wants to breakup. Should I try to fight for the relationship? If so how should I go about doing so? It's had been a long time since I have been in a relationship as good as this one was.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): Dude, it sounds like she's afraid. Not afraid of you per se but afraid of losing you and having her son go through losing another father figure. This is a very powerful emotion in a single mother and quite legitimate. Her apprehension is because she doesn't feel secure enough in the relationship to put her son's emotional security on the line for it. Children suffer from losing father figures, especially if it happens regularly, so she is trying to protect her son from this.This is a difficult barrier but it is not insurmountable. The best thing you can do for her and indeed the relationship, is to ask yourself how serious you REALLY are. Are you seeing this relationship as saving you from your lonliness? Do you see her as a mother figure? Are you willing and able to let her be with someone whom she feels more secure with or does the idea just turn your guts? If there are any selfih feelings there at all, then you should let her go. Her son changes the playing field completely. If, on the other hand, you are very much committed to being her partner FOR LIFE and being her son's step father FOR LIFE, with all of the hard realities of life that that entails, then maybe you can get her back. By hard realities I mean: loving the boy as your own flesh and blood even though he is not; being there for him every day of his life to teach him and guide him through every boyhood and teenage issue he might face - drugs, bullying, sex, morality, self respect etc. Can you love him? Really love him as your own son? If you have any doubts AT ALL, even the slightest little niggling one, then you must let this girl go.If you're really ready to be her son's dad, then do nothing for a month. No writing, no calling, no seeing, no stalking. Just get on with your life. Once the emotional crisis has dissipated, you will be in a better position to make the right choices. Have no more sex before marriage with her. This will be for your sake as much as for hers and you must insist on it even if she begs for it. If you can do this then you are ready to be her son's father.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): She doesn't love her son? What makes you believe so? Normally, fact she wasn't raised properly should amplify her desire to be a good mother, but in her case it sounds as if repeating the same parenting-mistakes she's been through? "strong feelings against her son" and you mentioning it as an influential factor? Tell us what made this relationship "good". And how you approve with her attitude towards her son and how this affects the relationship.
Needing some time alone does not seem a valid reason for breaking up, unless maybe she needed space to ponder over things, to refresh her memories and you didn't respect her decision. Think of the last happenings and how you explain her sudden feeling of escape. Maybe it wasn't sudden? If you feel you want to save this, I'd give her the time she requested before approaching her rather as a... friend to firstly understand better what led to this.
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