A
male
age
41-50,
*arky_Mark_76
writes:I was wondering, is it possible for someone to fake feelings because they want to be with someone. I was seeing a girl for about three weeks and she seemed very into me...lots of texts saying how much she liked me, etc. She stayed over at mine on three occasions and we seemed to be physically pretty compatible. We'd planned a holiday and it all seemed very good. Then out the blue she said she wasn't feeling 'a spark' with me and had been 'forcing her feelings' to try and make it work. I'm curious whether this was really the case. I can't believe she would have gone to bed three times if there wasn't some sort of attraction and it was quite hurtful that she implied she'd been faking her feelings. Is it possible she was just using me to boost her own self-esteem and once I'd played my part she cast me aside? Is it possible she was just forcing her feelings, or is she just confused about what she wants and is giving me any old excuse because she can't explain her own actions to herself, let alone me? Any wisdom would be appreciated.Thanks.
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male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (12 July 2008):
Maybe this "spark" is just Hollywood BS! And she's full of it! If She knows what this spark is like, why is she not with the person she experienced it with? How does she know that it this spark won't develope over time? She thinks she's come kinda cinderella looking for prince charming? Maybe she needs to grow up!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): From personal experience, you can have decent enjoyable sex, but still not have the "spark". A long long time ago when I was a young lady I had a long distance friendship which became love by correspondence. We were both single, he was handsome and ardent, we had lots in common, it seemed like the natural thing to do. We set up a date to meet, and I was so excited I couldn't sleep all the night before. When we did meet, he realized he was head over heels in love with me, and I felt-- not much! I tried to explain this, but then I thought maybe I was just feeling tired that day and I would just try to make it work since I loved him and cared for him.
We ended up an item for a few months, but I just couldn't get the passion to turn on. I often enjoyed the sex, but it was somehow work to get into it, not natural. Of course, the more I withdrew the more he pursued, and it all ended very badly.
So this girl may not have been faking anything or trying to deceive you. Just bad luck in the chemistry. Who knows what it is, mismatched pheromones? Try to forget it and move on as soon as you can. Sorry.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (11 July 2008):
 It's rather hard to say, so I can only speculate.
Is it possible that she's one of these people who feel "pressured" -- by expectations, by their own hopes -- to put on a better front than she actually feels? You know, like people who are smiling and polite at parties but in their heart of hearts would really rather get away.
If she was pressuring herself to believe that this was the relationship she was looking for, then it's possible she went too far before actually realising that she was fooling herself. Sorry if that sounds hurtful, but it sounds like it's something that could happen.
On the other hand, she may have been going too far too fast and decided she needed to pull back a little. In which case afte a while she may realise that she does have feelings and come back, but she may need to take things slowly for a while.
Whatever the case, she sounds confused. I think you need to be patient and pull back too. There may be some future for the relationship if you can both hold down the pace and the expectations.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): This is an interesting one - I wonder how you two met? I am possibly guess via the internet? If this is the case then it maybe that although writing to you on-line was great, when she actually met you, she didn't feel that "spark" that needs to be there. Instead of saying straight away, she decided to give it a chance, possibly in the hope that you would grow on her but luckily, for you both (although you can't see this yet) she has reasoned with herself early on that it is no good pretending and decided to call it a day. I know this is probably really hard for you to take at the moment but believe me, it is better than spending a few years with her pretending things will turn out the right way.I am speaking from experience, I really really tried to make it work with a guy that I met via on-line dating, he was great on-line and as a person generally but the sexual chemistry wasn't there. I still went ahead with it all thinking I would feel differently towards him as time elapsed but it just got worse and worse for me emotionally and I ended up hurting myself and him very badly.Maybe she is just being decent and doing the right thing now? I would just put it down to experience and move onto someone who isn't dithering about the relationship so early on. Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): I don't think she was forcing her feelings out because if I was to force my feelings out then I wouldn't text her as much as you say she did - I don't know about you?! I might stay around and that.
It was only 3 weeks?! Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't to be fair I wouldn't worry about it. Whatever it was it wasn't the longest of times and something very early on troubling her isn't worth it. No point trying to salavage 3 weeks.
She could've been boosting her self-esteem, but it sounds unlikely. I could be an excuse but as I said, whatever the reason it isn't worth your worry because you need to be with someone that is going to last longer than, less than a month.
As I said, it could be an excuse, but she could've been faking it. Somethings happened but if all else fails, instead of assuming, talk to her. Unlikely for you to get anything out of her but what else can you do other than assume?!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Hrm, this is interesting. I think im kinda going through the same thing BUT its the other way around for me. I can kinda see where you're girlfriends coming from. Im in a relationship like that just now. I think she does like you, and is ATTRACTED to you but as she mentioned there is no "Spark". The reason i think she's been trying to "make it work" is because she does genuinely like you and does want it to work. But the conclusion i've came to in my own situation is: You're right, Basically i'd say she herself doesn't know what she wants, making it more difficult to justify it to you.Hrm, sometimes relationships Just DONT WORK. No matter how compatilbe or similar two people are. I think this might be the case in both our situations. In helping you, i think i've helped myself too. So THANKYOU. :D.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): just because she says there is not spark does not mean she isn't attrated to you and that she hasn't enjoyed what you have had. You just can't force that click that some people have. As for sleeping together, unfortunately some people find doing that way to easy, not implying that she is one of them of course. She may be using it to explain feelings she doesn't know herself yet but people always do that because the person receiving the new always wants a reason. Hope that makes a little sense
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A
male
reader, Sisyphus +, writes (11 July 2008):
 Some people are just good at dating, jumping from one relationship to the next without attaching much meaning to them. They go through all the motions, the text messaging ect only to discover much to their surprised that they aren't actually in love. Give yourself a break, you deserve someone who wants you, not just a relationship.
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