A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend, who I'd been living with for the past three and a half years, broke up with me two and a half months ago due to problems we had been having.The sex had been more or less none existent for a year and a half (once a month on average) but not for a lack of will or trying on my part.Slowly my confidence got chipped away and as she has tendencies for control issues eventually she was more or less dictating our life together.I was no longer sticking up for myself in any meaningful way and eventually I became very depressed and entered a rather dark place.I began drinking and started to think she was "ugly" and unattractive, a defense mechanism against constant denial for intimacy.Eventually I found recognition as an attractive sexual person in an old acquaintance from school who made her desire for me very clear.Nothing happened there but slowly I started to seek out that recognition by going out more frequently and flirting with other women.Inevitably I ended up kissing another girl and that was that my girlfriend ran for the door.Shortly after I was confused and didn't really understand what had gone wrong as I still loved my girlfriend and started to realize I had been in a dark place.I wondered how I'd gotten there, entered a 12 step program and started taking some serious looks at myself, my behaviors and the relationship I had lost.Through this I have since very early on in the breakup stated my feelings honestly. I've been quite open to her and everyone else that I still love her and that I want to make things work. That for things to work I'll need to do some work (work which I have already started and will continue regardless), she'll need to do some work and together we'll have to work on it to mend things and build a stronger relationship from our experiences.However, she is adamant that things are truly over but at the same time still tells me that she loves me still all the same and that she's already forgiven me. Meanwhile, whenever she gets the chance she'll happily list all of the things I have done her wrong during the time we were together as, by her own words, a method of keeping herself from "ending up with me again". All through this though it seems to me like she wants to keep me around nevertheless as it's only now, two and a half months later, that she's coming to pick up her personal things from our apartment. Not all of it though, as she is apparently going to leave some of it until fall when she will get an apartment of her own up until which she will be living with her parents. She also has no problems with giving me hugs and wants to remain on friendly terms. She has had nothing but kind words to say about me to her family and friends since the breakup and has told me a few times that both her dad and brother have said that I can call them up any time I want. At a recent family gathering with my family to which she was invited (long story) she made an effort and went out of her way to talk to members of my family, some of which she had only met once before. There were mutual friends of ours at this gathering who so no particular reason to mingle with members of my family. She could have spent her time there with these friends of ours but saw reason to go out of her way to keep herself involved with my family.I haven't seen or heard from anyone that she is doing anything in particular to work through our breakup in any way yet she goes around and makes sure to tell everyone, me especially, that she's doing great and that she's really happy. I no longer initiate contact and haven't done so for at least the last month and a half. I've said my piece and have never been shy about my emotions for her, my stance is clear. However, while she's on the opposite side of the coin there's nothing to be done about it so I see no reason to be dragging it out or torturing myself by maintaining close contact with her. She will however find some reason every week or so to contact me about something.The reason I write this is because I am just thoroughly confused. I love her, want and am willing to put in the effort needed to mend fences and make it work. She's said that it's over and that there's no chance for us any longer. So why linger? Why want to remain involved with my life? Why want me to remain involved in hers? What's she thinking? Is she thinking at all? Does she have any idea what she wants?The real question being the question of "us", does she or doesn't she?
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broke up, confidence, depressed, flirt, kissing, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cheerhotie10  +, writes (19 July 2011):
She obviously still has feelings for you, I'm in the same kinda mix up.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Whether she knows what she wants, or not, what do you want? Do you like things as they are now? If you do, stay with her. If you don't, you make the decision to break up.
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