A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Two months ago my mom lost her long battle with cancer. We are from another state on the other side of the country and none of our relatives were able to come to the funeral. I have no brothers or sisters. My dad passed from a heart attack last year. My best friend and his family were coming to my mom's service but at the last minute they couldn't make it. They moved to another state last year. I have no other friends. Only one person I know came and that was my friend's sister who I have known for a long time. She lives in town. I have been feeling so lonely that I can not put it in words. I didn't cry until the funeral and then I couldn't stop. I was such a mess that she had to drive me home. We stayed up all night talking and she has been coming to see me everyday. I feel like she is attracted to me and I am very attracted to her but I am confused about my feelings. I don't know if she has been around out of human kindness and because we have been friends or because she actually cares about me. I don't feel like I am emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship but I really like her. I want to tell her how I feel but I don't want to scare her away and I don't want to lose her as a friend. How do I tell her how I feel? I want her to know how I feel and I don't want her to think that I'm only attracted to her because I'm lonely and I don't want her to get away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): You're welcome and I know I speak for the other Aunts too when I wish you good luck with this and I hope you have a long and happy relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): Last night when she came over I wanted to tell her that I love her but I couldn't speak. I pulled her to me and I just kissed her deeply. She kissed me back and I embraced her. Then I told her that I love her and she told me that she loved me too. Then we just held each other for a moment and I felt complete in her arms. Despite everything that has happened I feel blessed. My mom and dad always liked her and I know they would be happy for me. She told me just what I thought, which is that she wanted to wait until I snapped out of it before she let me know how she really felt. I'm not going to take this too fast but I'm not letting her get away either. From the very bottom of my heart thank you to everyone that answered my question.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Thanks to all of you that responded to my question. I have been searching my feelings and the truth is that I know I am in love with her. I only hope that she understands that my feelings are true and that although I am still somewhat confused that I love with her with every beat of my heart. I'm going to tell her that I love her tonight. Since my dad died I was with my mom everyday. I have had no social life. All I have done is come home from work and help my mom the best I could. Queen Katie, I want you to know that when you said she sounds like an angel by way you should know that is exactly how I feel. My parents left me an inheritance that I plan on using to go back to school with. I promised my mom I would. I know this sounds crazy but I know that I am going to marry this woman and I haven't even kissed her. I think she has just been waiting for me to come around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): You are so very brave.
You have been through one of the worst experiences of life - losing your parents - in a short space of time. No-one really copes with that experience, even aged 60. In some ways you are at the worst age to cope with it: you are very young to have been through such awful pain, but you are shut off from the support that would be offered to you by the community, schools etc. were you just a few years younger. I am not surprised you are feeling lonely. What does amaze me, however, is that, even in this darkest of times, your main concern is not for yourself, but for other people. You are worried about whether you are ready to be a good boyfriend to this girl or not, when so many people would just rush in blindly. The fact that you can be so incredibly unselfish is testament to what a special person you are.
That unselfishness is pat of the reason why I am going to advise you that I think you should not worry so much about your emotional state and readiness for a relationship. People advise teenagers that they should be 'ready' because they worry that too much, too young could be damaging to young relationships, which ought to be carefree and joyful. However, as you get older, you realize that life is tough. It's brutally, painfully, inescapably tough. Everyone loses people. Everyone goes through terrible pain. No-one is really entirely 'ready' for anything, be it a relationship, or a job, or a position of responsibility like parenthood. No-one ever feels like they're entirely fit for the demands of life. I bet if you asked him in private, even the president of the USA would admit that sometimes he feels lonely and lost like a small child.
In many ways, you have gone through an experience that makes you much more mature than most people your age. I think sharing that grief has bonded you strongly to this woman. To go through the very worst together, and emerge stronger, can be a great gift to a relationship. One of the most rock solid marriages I know started life as a relationship between a 19 year old woman who had just lost her mother to cancer and was a complete mess, and a 22 year old guy, who sympathized and helped her through her pain. They're now in their late 30s, and will no doubt be together in another 30 years' time.
I suspect that this girl likes you very much, or she wouldn't be visiting you so often or being so supportive. (She sounds like an angel, by the way!) I think you should be open about your feelings towards her, but also tell her your fears about being emotionally unbalanced by everything you've experienced. Tell her you're an emotional wreck, but you can love her completely and let her decide how to proceed. Explain that you're terrified that your confession will scare her off, because her friendship means more to you than you can put into words. You might well find that there would be nothing she'd want more than to be with you and to comfort you.
Your story has really touched me and I wish you all the best from the very bottom of my heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Please re-read your post before you read any of our answers, you pretty much answered it yourself. Your question is full of confusion and I think it reflects how you are feeling now. Really your question says everything you need to know.
I don't think now is the best time for you to start talking to her about feelings you don't fully understand yourself yet. You're grieving the most painful of losses at the moment and are scared of losing her too, first things first, focus on healing for the moment, while we never fully get over the loss of a close loved one we do learn to move on with our lives, you don't seem to be there yet.
Perhaps you might benefit from bereavement counselling, a normal part of the grieving process is to have loved ones close to you to discuss the person she was and remember her, share the loss you all feel and better understand and come to terms with it. You don't seem to have that, that's a benefit you will get from bereavement counselling.
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you find a solution to this.
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A
female
reader, rambini  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Firstly, I am so sorry to hear all the trauma you have been through recently, and i admire your strength. losing family members is so hard, especially when it leaves you feeling isolated.
I am glad you have had someone to support you, and help you through this difficult patch in your life.
however, as you rightly pointed out, telling her your feelings at the moment when you are in such a fragile state may come accross as being due to the fact she has supported you rather than genuine feelings from the heart.
My advice to you would be to be to focus on YOU. Focus on what you want and what you need, which is to regain your strength and confidence. Enjoy and appreciate the time spent with this girl, and in time you will feel more emotionally stable and perhaps ready to take it further. in the meantime just take each day as it comes, and show this girl how much you apprecuate her help and support.
I wish you the very best of luck x
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