A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this may be a little long. So last night my gf of almost 2 years and I were fine. We were watching a movie, she fell asleep and I fell asleep shortly after her. We weren't fighting or anything. Then this morning she told me she had a dream that I had cheated on her and she cheated on me back. I was half asleep when she told me this, I asked her who she cheated on me with in the dream and she just went silent. I asked again and said "if you don't want to tell me then whatever" and I rolled over to go back to sleep. A few minutes went by, I decided I didn't want to fight so I reached over to hug and she pushed me away, shortly after that she got up and went to go lay down in the other bedroom and shut the door. A little later I got up and started doing stuff (making coffee, cleaning up, etc) and decided to see if she cooled down and was ready to talk. I went in the room and laid next to her and put my arms around her, she pushed me away again. I asked her what was wrong and what did I do, she wouldn't answer so I left the room. About an hour later she texted me saying the relationship would eventually be strained and there's nothing we can do about it. I asked her why she's mad at me because of a dream? She told me I don't get it. I didn't text her back for a while and decided to go to the gym, right before I left I saw she texted me again saying she didn't love me anymore, she knows that I've been lying to her and she's not attracted to me anymore. At this moment I just left the house. I took the keys to both 'our' cars with me (both cars are in my name). She texting me asking where they keys were. She called me a bunch of times and I ignored her. Texted her back aand said I didn't have the keys. She kept asking where I was going, accused me of meeting up with another girl and asked when I'd be home because she was scared. I told her where I was, and that I've never cheated on her. Our messages went back and forth all day. I basically told her if she doesn't love me anymore I don't give a fuck either. She flipped that and said that just proves I never loved her, blah blah blah. We've gone through this type of shit before, but usually it was because of something I did. We've always gotten back together, but I'm thinking I shouldn't even try this time. We live together in her sister's house. I own my own house that we lived in together but moved here to help her sister (whole story in itself). I have tenants in my house with 9 more months on their lease, so I'd have to find another place to stay if I move out of here. She's been in the bedroom all day and I've been in the living room. We haven't spoken at all and the text messages ended hours ago. Another issue is the cars. We split the car notes but they're both in my name. I can't handle both on my own. I can't sell them because they're worth less than I owe. I know that's not a reason to stay but that along with having bought furniture and stuff together complicates things. What do you guys think? I know a theory is she could be cheating, but we're together so much and I drop her off and pick her up at work... I can't imagine when she'd be able to cheat. She has cheated on other boyfriends in the past but always claimed that she's more mature now and would never cheat because I'm the best guy she's ever had, blah blah. We're planning on getting married and have been trying to get pregnant for months now. She hasn't had her period yet this month so there's even a possibility she's pregnant now. I love this girl but I can't put up with this shit... what do I do? Help!!
View related questions:
at work, cheated on me, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): Hey everyone. Thanks for the advice. So here's how the story went from there. I was hanging out at the house all day downstairs, she locked herself in the bedroom all day. She eventually texted me and asked why I was still there. I told her I had nowhere to go and she said why don't you go to your parents house. My parents who lives about 10 minutes away happened to be out of town, which she knew, and I still have keys to their house. So at that point I grab a duffle bag and stuffed it with clothes, a few other personal belongings and drove to my parents house. I was there for about 30 minutes when she started texting me saying she heard noises in the house and was scared. I asked her if she wanted me to come back home and she said yeah she was scared. So I drive back over there, to no surprise there was nobody was there. I asked if she wanted me to leave since everything was ok. She kind of just said you can stay if you want... so I sat on the bed and watched tv with her, she asked if I wanted to watch a movie, we did, fell asleep, she woke me up early in the morning by pulling my shorts off and we had awesome makeup sex. The next day we talked and she basically said what most of you guys said. When she said she had a dream like that I didn't comfort her like she wanted me to, also I didn't go chasing after her right away when she left the room. We both apologized and everything is good now. We both acted immaturely in the situation and recognize where we were wrong. Thanks again everyone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Do not communicate important information by text. Ever. That is poor communication.
You make her breakfast in bed and sit next to her and say I'm really sorry about all this but I honestly don't know what I've done wrong. It hurts me fighting like this and I don't like to see you locking yourself up and being miserable. Talk to me.
As you can see, this involves swallowing your pride and extending the olive branch yourself even though the dream wasn't your fault. This is how loving adults ought to communicate.
Hiding keys and name calling is not only childish but it is destructive for future reference.
Proceed to find out how she feels about the dream. And what reaction she expected from you. Listen. Share your thoughts too. Cuddle. Laugh the dream off.
All this advice is based on the assumption that you want to make it work.
If you don't want any more of this relationship then it will be useful for your next relationship.
Do not escalate arguments by being petty the way you did with the keys.
Do not play dumb, like you don't know she's upset. Ask what the problem is. It won't disappear if you ignore it. In a perfect world, you wouldn't need to probe but your girlfriend would say 'baby I'm not happy with abc'. Good thing you get to pick your partner. Pick wisely and be a good partner yourself. Especially when you are trying for a baby, you are going to have many difficult moments and it's vital that you learn to handle conflict like adults.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 This is crazy! All this drama just for a stupid dream! The way she's reacting could probably be PMS..I can't think of another reason to react in this absolutely irrational manner just for a dream!
I dont think she's cheating on you..she's just having a bad day and was looking for an excuse to fight. When you didn't try to reassure her about not cheating on her, she got her reason.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): I think you have a very immature pattern of behavior going on in this relationship. You taking both the car keys says it all? You need to sit down and have a long talk about what is going on and the way you interact. Bringing a child into this situation would be a big mistake.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 This sounds like a bad dream gone bad...It could be that you two semi woke up and began blaming one another for the ghost of a dream and are looking for the 'hidden meaning' of the dreams Oh for crying out loud. Stop trying to psco-analyize each other and think about the kid(assuming there is one on the way) Two kids having a nightmare and blaming the other for cheating! What next?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 August 2014):
 I think Janniepeg is right. This is all guesswork, but I think that she got upset when you made it about her, and her possible cheating, while the point of the dream was that YOU were cheating on her. Clearly, she wanted some warm reaasurance from you . " Nooo! I can't believe it, what a weird crazy dream ! I would never cheat on you ! Why should I cheat on you, you are the only woman ever who blah blah blah ". That was a bit like she was fishing for compliments , or reassurance ( maybe she has felt insecure or thretened by something that you did or say recently ? ) - and when it totally went over your head, and became hey whom did you cheat on me with in your dreams ( unspoken queston : was he better than me, "bigger " than me,lol, ... are there IRL guys I have to watch my back from ? )... when it went from propping her ego to propping yours.. she hated that.
I am not saying she behaved in a very mature way, then again, tbh, you two do not seem to have a very mature way of communicating and / or handling conflicts. But, that's anither issue; you asked what could have she got upset about, and this is my guess.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 She's mad because you didn't reassure her that you didn't cheat on her. When you asked her who she cheated with, to her it was like you admitted to cheating. Don't read too much into dreams. I had a dream of having sex with a customer but in real life I am loyal to my boyfriend. She could be pregnant and her hormones are driving her crazy. Newly pregnant women get paranoid of their men cheating. She might not have the skills to effectively communicate what she needs from you and with the stress of being pregnant that ability could be impaired.
Maybe you both made mistakes in the past, but if you moved forward and are focusing on the future then you shouldn't have let a dream create arguments then a break up. What she said to you was out of line. Anyone would react the way you did.
I can't tell you what to think or do. I didn't get the whole story. Wasn't there to experience. I would tell her stonewalling is not acceptable. If she wants to make it work she needs to talk. I would also ask her to take a pregnancy test.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 August 2014):
Sounds like she has been cheating on you. Perhaps not in the sense of doing anything physical. It could be an emotional affair or the person that was in her dream is someone who she has interests with. That would logically explain why she went silent.
You can let her have whatever she wants if you make enough. Nothing is really worth staying in a bad relationship, even if a child in potentially involved. A child would rather 2 happy parents who are separate than 2 miserable ones that are together.
...............................
|
