A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:The short story: We've been friends since she was a young kid (she was 11 when we met up online, younger sister of one of my other friends) and I've always been a role model/big brother/etc. whatever to her. someone to look up to. We share some challenges in common and I was always there for her.In 2007 we start dating. Things go really well. It's LDR but we manage to hold in there. We meet two times, both times being amazing. She tells me she never thought she'd get the chance to be with me, but is so happy she is with me.In mid 2008 we breakup up because she more or less cheated (kissed another guy). She broke up with me, I was willing to forgive.6 weeks later we reconcile. We see each other two more times. We get more intense, and start to get really physically intimate. We go out for another 7.5 months. Things go pretty OK, some fights (see below) but we still have all the love and sweetness we always did, we both express how happy we are. Until...4 weeks ago, we breakup again. Mostly stemming from issues with my family (which I've now dealt with) and treating her wrongly (blaming her, accusing her, etc) out of stress. I push her away and tell her if she needs time, then "fine, take time... whatever."She begs me not to push her away, but I'm too angry to listen. So we break up. She goes from one day saying she loves me more than anything and even talking of future marriage, to deciding it's too much and she needs time off.Original comment from her was she needs a break but still loves me and just needs some time off to calm down and work on things. I'm heartbroken but agree. She tells me a few times that she hopes we get together again. I start to recognize the problems and agree to the break so i can take time to work on them. But I keep my hopes on getting together again soon.A week after we breakup, she starts to get "closer" to a friend of hers online. He's *MARRIED*, and is 20 years older than her. Of course, he's "in a bad marriage." His wife "would kick him out if she knew they talk." She told me while we were still going out that this "friend" told her to work on our relationship and not let him get in the way...Now that we broke up he started laying it on thick saying he LOVES HER??Now she's hostile and makes it a point to tell me how much more caring this guy is (he never accuses her, blames her, fights, he's always there for her, he makes time for her, etc.) and how he "amazes the heck out of her." she points out only the NEGATIVE things about our relationship, and only the POSITIVE things about him. It's clearly a rebound!so far seems she's falling right into the trap! she's still young (19) but i want her back! I know I screwed up but I'm already making the changes I need to...I have been in No Contact with her for 4 days now. It hurts really badly. so I have a few questions:1. Girls: Have you ever rebounded this way, especially with a MARRIED man that was FAR OLDER than you?...What kind of things did you feel? 2. How do girls go from "I love you" to "I don't want anything to do with you" within a week's time???3. Why is she being so hostile and pointing out all the bad things, even exaggerating them, to me? Is she trying to make me hurt? 4. What's the likelihood of this rebound actually working? Do I actually have a chance at trying again with her?5. am I doing the right thing by using NC on her?thanks for any help!...lonely and heartbroken in MN
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): that would be good, because i am really interested in seeing what happens with you. i have an idea but just an idea it may turn out bad or it could turn out good. do you think if she thought or knew you were seeing someone else that would be bad. i know that you are not totally interested in that, but i have seen in some situations like this that it does sometimes work, but then again it may lead her to some other crazy move. You know i believe that it is the good people who get the short end of the stick in life. From what i have read you seem to be very humble about this whole situation. its like you are just waiting for your love to return. Gosh i hope she does for your sake. I think you are a sweet person who deserves happiness in your life. I have never met you but i actually have watched you fall hard over this girl in a few responses. i know it is difficult but things happen for a reason. you don't have to ever forget her, but you do have to realize at some point what is best for me. you need to start thinking about you and what you want. you are far from being happy. you deserve more than what you are getting. You know every situation in a relationship is for a reason it either makes you stronger or weaker, don't let this bring you down. Look for what is best for me. You may send me a private message if you ever just need to talk. i am here for you. good luck. there are reasons for every action made in our lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Hey flower,the reason I feel she only loved my affection is simply because she seems so able to move on. Another man says he loves her, she becomes putty in his hands and turns the cold shoulder to me. If that's all she needed - a guy to say I love you and show affection - then I was not loved for who I am inside, I was loved because I gave her affection. when the hard times hit and I wasn't as able to do it, she left me and found another guy within 3 days. and I know they say I love you all the time...some of my friends have told me it's time to give up, move on, and never look back. I always think of the good times we had and wish for that back. but I am so afraid of losing for good. I've spent a month now wishing and hoping for things to work, and nothing's gone anywhere, if anything she's gotten even more distant. Sure married guy might be feeding her mind, but it's working. She got my custom gift, told me she put it on, then a few hours later told me she took it back off. My guess - married guy told her to... she seemed happy initially, then it quickly faded. I really do not want to believe yet that it is over. But everyone has run out of encouraging words. The circumstances just look too bleak, hope is fading, and there seems to be nothing left between us. My friends say she's moved on and she won't look back, so I shouldn't bother wishing for her back...I am going to create an account on here so that you and I can keep up on this situation more directly...thanks flower
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): sweetheart i have a question, i'm kinda confused. at one point of this break up you felt like she was pushing away from you because something happened with the family and you were stressing and needed to be alone so she went her own way. now you feel like she just was with you because your should her affection that she needed. am i looking at the right. I really think honey you need a vacation to really think about what you want in life. i really do understand what you are feeling right now with her and not being able to be with her. maybe this time apart is a time to think about what do i need to change. it really could be a learning experience about yourself. What could I have done differently. writing it on paper you get a very different picture than putting it in your head. I believe you are a good person, yest everyone has issue and relationships are made stronger but minor issues and problems. Sometime relationships need issues in order for us to see that either we need to be out of it or that we are getting closer. as i now look at what you have written, I feel like there is not a direct sign of her returning or her not returning. In one response she is communicating with you and then in another it is totally over. I really wish I could help you out of this. it is very depressing to know that someone you love so much is so far a way from you. Right now i still think waiting is the best thing. stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of the good times you had. I have learned one major thing from other responders on the site and that is dwelling on a problem makes it worse than it truly is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): I think she is going back slowly. she may be scared of the outcome of getting back with you. friends is a good start back with her. at least its contact with her that is not arguing. be patient. it will work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Well, I think it is finally the end...
The insight I got from a friend plus some deep thinking has suggested to me that maybe, just maybe, our relationship never was founded on true love, at least on her part...
She may just have loved what I did for her, how I made her feel... but never truly loved me. And now she's just moved onto the next person who can make her feel that way (by saying he loves her, etc). So maybe she just loves being in love, but never truly loved me...
It hurts me deeply to think this way, but unfortunately things point to it now. Things that confused me and made no sense before now make sense. She wrote me love letters because she didn't want to lose the affection I gave her. She told me she still loved me right after we broke up because she hadn't found someone else yet. She did everything she did for me because she was trying to hold onto the affection... but she never understood that all relationships have issues. She never took ME in, just the idea of what I could do for her.
As hard as it is for me to accept, I think it is finally over... i don't think there will be another chance for us. If anyone has any words of inspiration they could give me i'd love it, but... I feel the hope fading, the chance dying, and all i have left is loneliness and a heart full of love that she will never need or want again.
I miss her, and I always will... I loved her so much, and I still do. But she possibly never loved me. And that hurts me so much. I will miss her.
Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Well she's been trying to talk to me but it's all friend-zone type stuff - casual talk. I'm afraid of letting myself get too close to being "just friends" with her - plus it's still very hard on me emotionally to not be the way I used to be with her (loving, sweet, saying our cute little things, inside jokes, etc.)I suppose the fact that she's trying to talk to me can only be a good thing..but I know that she only does it when married guy isn't around, and that topic is taboo to her - she won't discuss it with me.What should i be doing? I don't think I have it in me to be just friends at least now. She'll see my weakness and my hurt and probably just run the other way because she already said that she doesn't want to date me (at least for now, she refused to say "never").What do you think...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): i guess now we are just waiting. please keep me posted on what happens with her. if you ever need to talk i will be here. your parents sound alot like something my grandmother would do. she raised me and my brothers since my mom died in 1991. so she is the same way and ive had many friends just dissapear for no reason. good luck buddy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): thanks for the insight flower, it's been nearly 5 weeks now since the breakup, so not all THAT long..she gives off many, many mixed signals. it's impossible to read what she's feeling from what she says. there are times she appears to be thinking about me and still having feelings for me, other times she seems to just act moved on. for example she will not admit anything to anyone about rebound guy - there's no proof that they're even dating. it's being done very secretively. all we know for sure is he and her talk A LOT. but on the other hand she's made comments like "i hope when you date someone else you don't treat them like you treated me" and "before you hurt someone else make sure you fix yourself"and here's another piece to add to the puzzle... last summer when we'd broken up, she;s gone to visit her brother at his college and stayed alone for a while...well my parents called in and reported her (i didn't know at the time) and thus got her in trouble and so on. unfortunately when i found out about it i was too afraid to tell her about it, so it came out much later - about 2 weeks prior to our breakup. so she will also say "I know how dangerous you and your family are from last summer"...the reason i'm feeling hopeless is i feel her heart and her emotions have been abused and hurt to the point of no return, and even though she may miss me and miss the good times, the hurt will remain a scar on our relationship, and will never be able to be fixed...i truly do love her with all my heart and more, in my perspective these are definite issues that need worked on but they're not impossible for us to overcome... but she has given up (for now at least) so i am all on my own with things and it hurts worse every daythanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): Please stop blaming yourself. I have had family problems in the past. I mean i have to defend everything i do and i am 27 years old. However i have taken control over my life and so now i am alone because of that. This is not totally your fault. ok some of it may be but not all of it. It really tears me up to hear you blame that you emotionally abused her. if that is the case i was abused for years by my family. Please you can't be that bad. i have read your questions and responses to my questions and i do feel your pain. i really know what you are going thru. please don't give up. really honey its not up to any family whether she bes with you or not. if she really loves you she will wake up and see that you are who she wants to be with. and i think when she gets away from the rebound guy she will wake up. just be patient. give it some time. how long has it been since you broke up now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): ABUSIVENESS --
so my conclusion is I demonstrated emotional abuse in the relationship. After reading all the signs and symptoms of it, unfortunately... I think I fit the bill.
Now I truly loved and love this girl with all my heart. In the past month I've taken lots of time to study my behavior patterns, read books on improving myself, break long-standing patterns of coping... and I already feel success. life right now is hitting me very hard, but i don't feel the anger i would have felt with this situation two months ago. I feel a calmness.
I've also taken the time to understand the root of my problem - my family. as I've stated in the thread, stress with my family and learned behavior from my own upbringing caused most of my reactions of anger or hurt towards my girl. All she wanted was to be loved... but in times of extreme stress, I did the only thing I knew how to do - complain and blame. Now I know that love and caring can overcome that urge... but it's too little too late for the relationship...
the fact still remains that in the relationship, what I said and did could be called emotional abuse. and this is why I fear my chances are very low at getting her back. nobody - not one single friend, family member, etc. would ever recommend she go back to someone she felt was abusive.
the rebound thing still hurts yeah, but that's not what's hurting the most right now. What's hurting the most is the realization that I demonstrated this abusive behavior to the one person in this world who I love more than anything. And realizing i may possibly have screwed all my chances for good with this...
Anyone have a pick-me-up, any words of hope or inspiration? Have I truly blown it for good with her? We did share some amazingly sweet loving times, but the pattern of abuse shows that - there's periods of extreme love, and periods of extreme hurt. And sadly, we had a period of extreme hurt that broke us up... and now that I've realized it, I hurt even more.
Help...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): Okay, she claims she never got the package. Three possibilities:
1. she truly didn't get it
2. her parents never gave it to her - they know we broke up
3. she's lying
It's worrying me, if she never got it...
She did tell me she wants to talk to me about something that's stressing her "tomorrow" but then she never did contact me...
She's behaving so strangely, and it's really bothering me.
Thanks...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): He is feeding her mind. You don't have a contact that is where she is that could keep an eye on her situation. she is thinking of you. I'm am almost positive that something goes through her mind about you many times during the day. I know you are hurting right now but its want last long. Sometimes to get something good you have to be patient my friend. I have learn that the hard way. Right now it is hard but you will make it. This is where your faith comes it at. Don't ever lose hope.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): flower again thanks for your insight. As I am in No Contact right now i will have no idea if/when they "break up". Anytime I hear of them being together/happy/etc I want to cry. I'm currently in the mode of "what you don't know won't hurt you..."
During the relationship, especially the second time, I was stressed, hurt and messed up in some ways and thus didn't always treat her good... And as I said I said some pretty hurtful things to her at times.
she went as far as to say she's "sorry for giving me another chance"... that REALLY hurt me badly. I truly do love her more than anything in the world..
I've been doing a lot of reading and soul searching and I feel enlightened immensely. I know, with no doubt, that if I could try with her again, I could do it right this time. I understand so much more with all my studying and reading and thinking. I know exactly how and why I hurt her. I know what I need to do for her. I always loved her, but I never had this insight, this knowledge of HOW I can show her I love her...
what I still don't understand is her attitude.. Going from "I just need a break; if there is love we can make this work, we just need time" to "I am sorry I ever dated you" within the space of a week?... You're right, it has to be the other guy putting stuff in her head...But how long will she take to snap out of it and actually think of her OWN feelings?
Her behavior until I started NC was extremely erratic and strange... she'd get sad if rebound guy wasn't around (meaning she's depending on him for good feelings) and at times she seemed to care about me and other times she was cold and distant. I have never seen her act this way in the entire time I've known her. It's scary... I cry for her, because I know the pain I caused her is part of this...
I cannot believe or accept that she has stopped loving me. Deep down, inside her confused and hurting soul, I'm sure that love for me still is there. I just wish I could bring it back out. I truly miss her, and I know with all my heart soul and being that she is the one for me.
Thanks so much for your help, and if there's anymore to say, please do.
Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): playing rescuer may be your chance to either win her back or lose her. i have seen some situations around here like that. He lets her go heartbroken and the one and only true love runs to her side for comfort. that may be an eye opener for her. I think she will then see that you are the one who cares for her and her well being not him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): I haven't spoken to him no, but what I worry about is yes he will most likely hurt or disappoint her, but is the damage to OUR relationship too far gone?
Personally I think the guy is scum and doesn't deserve a second of her time. Of course in her current state I can't tell him or her this. I am almost certain he's going to completely hurt her.
I don't want to like play "rescuer" when he hurts her, but I do want a chance to be there for her and show her somehow that I'm sorry and am willing to make things right. We had a great love between us, which fell apart within the space of a month, and it's now been a month since the breakup.
My friends tell me girls NEVER move on that fast from a true love, and if they do they're only acting and trying to make themselves do so (and it fails.) This is the hope I hold on to - she can't just dump the love she had for me, no matter how bad things got. I've heard of couples going through far worse than us, and still reconciling...
Thanks for your advice and if anyone has more comments please keep them coming.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): i know this sounds mean but have you spoken to the rebound guy. he is just toying her along. it will end soon. he will not leave his wife. TRUST ME they never do. She will come back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): flower, thanks again for your reply. I am staying in NC right now.
You are right, our time together was limited. This is mostly due to her situation however (still living with parents who don't want her dating). During the relationship, many of our arguments stemmed directly from not being able to see each other - in fact, our final argument as I said was due to our visit not working out.
The scary thing, of course, remains the rebound - he's in the same state as her, and could much more easily see her, or her see him... And if she is moving to her own place this summer, i heard talk of them moving in together..
There's a few months until she can move... during the breakup she said she wants to see me again when she gets a place, so we can see each other again...Now she wants nothing to do with me. I agree this is largely because of rebound married guy...
I just hope she snaps out of her confused, erratic state and comes back soon.
Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I was just looking at your story again. is this a long distance relationship. i think the problem is you don;t spend enough quality time together. I am crazy or something I don;t even know why i read it again. forgive me just wanted to know that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I know you hear different advice everywhere some say shes gone others say shes coming back. I don't think you did wrong by no contact. i would wait and see what her response it to your letter and gift. I also think she may be doing this to drive you crazy because she knows that is whats happening. i wouldn't bail just yet. Sometimes i don't think others realize it is easier to deal with stress alone. some say its not. I honestly don't think you really meant to push her away i think you were just handling a difficult issue. I think she may have been alittle to pushy maybe from what i can read in your question. I would have just left you alone until you got ready for me know understand what is going on. It looks like your whole relationship is based on breakups. How can you be happy with having a relationship like that. its like cat and mouse. i still think this guy is getting her close to him and in the end it will end with him. she will learn that fast and she will hurt alot worse than you pushing her away while dealing with stress. I would let her come to me next time. you have made attempts to let her know how you feel so now its your turn to wait. i know that sounds crazy but TRUST ME IT WORKS. She will start to wonder what is going on if you have no contact with her alittle longer. so lets review you gave her an apology and gift that is special custom made. to me that would make me run back to you, not just the gift but the thought that you had it custom made. thats so sweet. anyway where was I. Let her come to you and don't give her the thought that you are still chasing her. her chase will end soon. I Promise. She knows that being without her is making you crazy. do you have a pic of her. if so when you miss her look at the pic. LET HER CONTACT YOU NOW. Trust Me It will work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Thanks for your reply flowerbt. I've sent her a letter of apology in the mail and she should have it tomorrow (tuesday). Plus there was a special gift I'd had custom made for her that I sent as well - I'd had it done before we broke up but never got it to her.I think she already knows I want her back. I told her this once. Her response was flat out no I don't want you back right now. But she would not offer closure as in "never get back" - all she has to say now is she's confused and doesn't know where her love life is going.A friend of mine told me that ignoring her the first week after the breakup may have been a fatal mistake (I got afraid and used No Contact for a week after the breakup then tried to begin talking to her again), since her and I go back so far she might have seen it as a slap in the face - I hurt her, then disappear. I don't know, but what's done is done...I really don't know what my chances to get her back are... Some people tell me it's just a matter of time before she comes rushing back, others tell me it's over for good and even if rebound guy fails she'll just move on to another guy after that, not me... Any more opinions? Thanks...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): I have dated an older man and its not because of being on the rebound. you know i think that going from i love you one day to stay away from me the next day is common. i know that sound crazy but have you ever thought that maybe this older man is feeding her mind just so that she will be on your case all time. I would try to contact her and talk to her and let her know how you feel and tell her you would like to give it another chance. then if she shoots you down i would most likely let he be until she realizes that you are the perfect person for her. And another issue could be that she knows you to well and knows what you are thinking and going through that could be why so hostile with you. i would try one more time. and don't give her a chance to let her online friend know that you want to talk to her. he will fill her full before you can express how you honestly feel. good luck. i hope you win her back.
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