A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a dilemma. My girlfriend is an incredible woman....considerate, generous, supportive, affectionate, honest, loyal, hardworking, compassionate, goal orient, intelligent, sensitive. Her amazing side is amazing. Then there is her other traits. If for whatever reason I am not meeting her emotional needs she will hardly verbalize it in a civil manner....she usually gets upset, use emotional intimidation by saying I dont expect you to be there....other people in my life can show they care but you cant and I'll just talk to such and such...i shouldn't have to tell you what I need emotionally you know what I'm going through you should just get it. Then when I try being more considerate and sensitive to ask questions to show I'm trying....she says dont do it if its not from your heart, i shouldn't have to tell you or dont send me things like that in a text message....if you text to check up on me and ask how am i doing, why do you make it about you by telling me how you doing you could've left that off. I sometimes work 16 hour shifts a few times per month being doing this since before her and i started dating bc i do have financial goals things I'm working on, she says the only way we will talk is if I wait up for you when you get off work...so oftentimes i came home showered and called, sometimes i were too tired to remain awake and fell asleep on the phone, this upset her...so I still tried calling nightly except if im doing a 16 I usually stay on for 30 min with her...she doesn't like time restraint bc she feels if she needs to open up moments before I rest for work she will either get that out or be upset she couldn't...if i know something is on her mind or sense it i ask her whats wrong..so i constantly go in to work tired, driving impaired bc im tired and her solution its my fault bc I volunteer to work so much. As i stated, i have financial goals and my working a lot has been a blessing for her financially. Had I not been or not working as i have been i would not been able to give her over $2000 in 3 months, shes unemployed. For the record money is not our issue, time and understanding is. Anyways, i decreased how much I work to have more time with her. It's like what I do is never enough, her expectations are all emotional needs. Asking of things about her or family to show concern and always be there when she needs to talk, understand her needs. Seems simple but she only tells them when shes angry other than that its all a guessing game. She seems so ready to jump down my throat. She gives me lectures on how I should do this not that. If i happen to get irritated she snaps, curses me out quick to call me a female dog and hang up. Then call back 3 or 4 times repeating the yelling, screaming, raging and ranting then hang up. I'm not innocent here bc i do say okay in a sigh tone which infuriates her, I do that to say I dont want to fight see never sees my okays like that. When upset it takes forever for her to come down, and I cannot get a word in. She say all types of things to me when upset from I'm a vessel for the devil to female dog you dont love me go to hell, cant remember much bc i filter through it. Tells me you should get your rest, hangs up then calls 3 or 4 times. Gets mad i agreed to get off phone even though i only have 4 hours to sleep before i work a 16hr shift. Says i should know how to sacrifice. Even as I make every attempt i can to avoid conflict she sees things i do when upset or hurt as an invitation to fight. So im on edge, overthinking everything trying not to hurt or upset her. She withholds affection and intimacy when hurt upset or irritated. Again, I'm no angel, I am quick to write off or chalk up all misunderstanding and fights, bc i hate conflict. I'm a woman myself so not knowing what my woman needs hurt me, not being there as she needs hurt me. It's easier for me to express any emotions than her, except anger frustration. I do deeply care for her, as I stated shes an amazing person, there are some issues though. What can I possibly do to be more compassionate and understanding for my girlfriend needs? I want to be there for her.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 December 2015):
You do work many hours but she doesn't see the benefit of it or refuses to acknowledge it.
She is unemployed and all she can offer are her emotions since she has nothing to do.
Stop being a door mat for her feelings because you are allowing her to do so. She's an adult, not a child so please treat her like one.
Only talk when you are both calm. You are both stressed and need to learn how to handle things appropriately. Hopefully, she is on the same page in trying to make it work, because it takes 2 to tango.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015): Next time she says to you 'if you text to check up on me and ask how am i doing, why do you make it about you by telling me how you doing you could've left that off'....tell her there are two sides to a relationship and she should be interested in how you are too.A relationship is about two people and it's not all about her. You need somebody sometimes and you need to talk to her about your day too.If she's going through a hard time, fair enough, but that doesn't mean it's all up to you to make everything better when she isn't giving anything back to you.When you are exhausted from work does she ever stop to ask you how YOU are? No she doesn't. She sounds very selfish and self absorbed.It's not down to you to fix her life. We all like somebody as a shoulder to cry on but that shouldn't be constant 24hr support because all she cares about is herself.You don't need to be more compassionate and understanding you already try your best to be that. Whenever I'm down it's nice to know somebody actually tries but expecting to get hold of you when you are in work is absolutely ridiculous.She has to make more effort with you and allow you to be your own person with your own life outside of her little world.Next time she gets like this ask her 'what about me?'. Going to work on 4 hours sleep that will make you ill.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 December 2015):
 OP, this isn't what you want to hear, but I don't have high hopes for this relationship.
Your girlfriend is all over the map and has the emotional maturity of a 4 year old. There is nothing amazing about that.
You're not meant to win here because she wants to be the victim so that you'll owe her everything and she'll owe you nothing. This carry on is designed to focus your attention on what she's feeling instead of on what she's doing.
She can't give you clear, logical answers because that would solve the problem and you'd both be on equal footing and she'd have to start giving instead of always taking.
Soooo, you can either accept that this relationship is all about her or you can re-evaluate your associations and decide which ones are worth keeping around.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (29 December 2015):
 This person has problems. You aren't supposed to be her social worker or her banker. Get her to go and get some medical help. I couldn't say whether it is psychiatric or hormonal but as Quentin Crisp wrote if you go in for self sacrifice in the end you will never have given enough.
The best thing you can do for her is help her get a job - not with you - and get her to see a doctor. She needs to understand how unreasonable her behaviour is. The trouble is that people like her rarely want to seek help because they don't recognise anything is wrong. The best of luck in getting out of your dilemma.
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A
female
reader, Songwr1ter +, writes (29 December 2015):
You need to talk to her, when you both are calm. Tell her how she's making you feel, and explain to her that you're trying your best. What she's saying and doing isn't nice, and it isn't fair to you either. So tell her that. Otherwise, just have a break from each other. Don't break up for good, just have a short break, so that you can both recharge your batteries.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015): It's a very long litany of all the ways she drives you crazy and then you add that she is amazing.She may be amazing in her achievements but she isn't being amazing at all in this relationship.She sounds as though she can be self-centred and antagonistic so I suggest you need some you-time.You could work less and stop giving her money because being a bank substitute isn't very fulfilling.You are the amazing one working 16 hours a day which is too much on a regular basis.She is unemployed which isn't amazing at all.She owes you money which is also not amazing and she can be irritable when it suits her.I don't share your same sense of amazing. If she were right for you I would expect a glowing account of how happy you are, not about how you can bend over backwards to keep her in the style she wishes.I suggest you back off a little and view things more objectively.Stop giving her money and find a bit more time for yourself.
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