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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfiiend of two months broke up with me a week ago. Since then I've been crushed. Up until the last week of our relationship, everything seemed to be going fine, if not somewhat torrid. The last week, I knew something was wrong, but I didn't think we were going to split. Her reasoning was that she wasn't "feeling" as she thought she should at the current point of our relationship. She didn't say she felt nothing, or that she didn't have feelings for me, just that she wasn't where she thought she should be. I must say that she is one of the best, most amazing people I know and I don't want to stop being with her. She made the friendship offer, which seemed genuine, but I couldn't accept right away because I wanted her as a girlfriend (still do). A few days ago I put forth a proposal to her, which she accepted: "Let's start over from zero and go from there. Whatever develops, develops. No expectations. At least we will be friends, at most who knows? I promise to keep an open mind and I wont do anything foolish or desperate." We have both admitted that our lives are better with each other in them than not, so the friendship part will probably work. What is the potential for the relationship developing back into the boyfriend/girlfriend thing? I really want to be with her again. I'll settle for a friend, but I'd rather not have to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): Ask her how she felt she "should have been feeling" at the point where the relationship broke off. Ask her where she felt the relationship should have been, what you should have been doing, what the couple should have looked like. It sounds to me like she perhaps has this fantasized image of what romance, falling in love, etc., is, and it didn't measure up. Not your fault! Women too frequently do this - too many soap operas and TV movies of the week. There are some great books out there - 1000 questions to ask before you get married - books like that. Don't go to the heavy questions, but ask some of the lighter, but more distinct ones to gauge commonalities. It could be you said something in passing or joking, like kids being parasites, which she interpreted as you never wanting to having children. If she won't open up and be honest about why she felt there wasn't a future, what she felt was lacking - then don't pursue it. A woman who wants to control information and won't communicate openly now, will not do it later. It's better the break-up happened after 2 months and not 2 years.
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