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male
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anonymous
writes: Sorry to bother you and I understand if you may not have time to reply to me, but I'm really desperate and needing some guidance.Basically, me and my gf have been together for 8 months. We had a very intense passionate relationship, and fell in love quickly. We had our ups and downs as all couples, but I felt I had genuinely found a soul mate of sorts, a girl who I d like to build some sort of future with.About 7 months into the relationship a guy I knew started talking to her. He is an attractive guy and older than us. He told her he was attracted to her and asked for her number. I obviously was uncomfortable with this. I told her how I felt and expected her to take it into consideration and tell this guy where to go. I didn’t for a moment think it would be a problem. Over the coming month she had given this guy her phone number and he had her email address. They were talking and on one occasion met up, all in secret. I would ask her if she was talking to him and she would always say no.This obviously damaged my trust and more than anything my heart. I was so scared of losing her to a guy I knew didn’t deserve her. I also didn’t think she was capable of such disloyalty.After a month of this, fights and lies, we got to a stage where we both addressed we weren’t as happy as we could and should be.She suggested a break. I was against this at first, but didn’t really have much choice in the matter.The following week, I went out on both Monday and Thursday. I had invited my girlfriend out both nights but she declined.I got very drunk on Monday and saw a friend. She had just gone through a break up with her boyfriend and we were both I assume subconsciously needing some affection.By the late stages of the night I was very drunk and we kissed. It was a nothing kiss, but still a kiss. Wwe stopped but I still couldn’t believe what I had done. I had no reason to kiss this girl.I went home confused and guilty.I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to be able to tell my girl, but I didn’t think I could. We were already going through a rough patch, and she has anger issues. I didn’t think we d survive if this came out at this time, so I just blocked it out.Thursday came and again I went out. I'd had a few drinks and ended up in a local nightclub. Me and my girl had again had a dispute over the phone that night. She had drunk a bottle of wine and was having trouble with her family, so obviously I was getting a part of it taken out on me.I was dancing in the club and the girl I had kissed on Monday came over to dance with me. I know I should have just left at that point, but I was drunk and foolish, so I didn’t The smoke machines came on and she kissed me again. It was again brief and nothing, but still a terrible thing to do. The night ended and I went home, full of guilt.Me and my girlfriend met up the next day before work and shared a bottle of wine.We spoke at length and our problems seemed to be behind us. We both agreed not to lie anymore and forget the past as it s of no use to us. I agreed to forgive her for her dealings with this other man as long as it stopped and we could begin to build a less possessive happier relationship. I was so happy. I wanted to tell my girl, but decided to wait till later the next week after we d finished working for the weekend before I told her. I wanted the relationship to be perfect.I now have reason to believe that the girl who kissed me had an agenda of her own. Sshe knew I had a girlfriend, .but was telling people she had kissed me. She also embellished and added a few other details. Sshe told a friend who for some reason told a friend who was friends with my girlfriend.It seems to elaborate a chain of events to be coincidence. Anyway my girlfriend’s friend told her the story, or at least what she had heard.I denied it first foolishly, as things had gone out of my control and it was my relationship and I was scared other people were getting involved.My denials we stupid and eventually I gave in and told the truth.My mistakes hurt my girlfriend immensely, which is understandable. Sshe lost her trust for me and she was so angry.I was dumped and beaten and hated for a week, then she took me back. After another week she turned to me and said she wasn’t strong enough at that point to be with me.We are now broken up. I hate it. The other day I saw the boy who she was lying about phone number in her phone and he was in the bar where we worked talking to her a lot. It angers and hurts me so much.I want her back desperately. We’re both moving to London in September to go to university and we work together.I love her to death and wish to god that I hadn’t done what I’d done. I see hope for us, but I need to show her she can trust me and that I love her.She is very naive and ever so sensitive, I fear I’ve hurt her too much and scared her off for good.I'm babbling now. I’m so emotionally drained. I know its my own fault, but please, I d value your opinions and any advice on getting my love happy again.Thank you in advance x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): So your girlfriend upset you; you got drunk and flirted with another girl (who as you say apparently had her own agenda since she exaggerated what was no more than a kiss and blew it up to make it seem as if you cheated on your gf).
Your girlfriend was having problems with her family; she got drunk, then when you did have a talk you both drank a bottle of wine BEFORE work?! Can you see that all this drinking has only made things worse?
I'm not excusing that your gf went out with the older man but the really bad thing was that she lied about it. You say she is naive, sensitive and has anger management problems. There is no easy way out of this mess.
Perhaps you can send her an email telling her again how sorry you are, and that you realize you made a mistake flirting with the girl at the nightclub, but that really, nothing more than a kiss happened.
Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing if that will be enough to win her back. It may well not be.
Sounds as though she needs to deal with her own issues; you with yours, and you both need to tackle together the problems in your relationship. If this is not possible, maybe you would be better off letting this relationship go and chalk it up to experience, see what you can learn from it. Might be difficult if you work together, but as you're both going to university in about another month, that will change.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): Yes, you made a mistake. Unfortunately, women can be vile, especially to and with each other. You kissed someone, but a kiss is not a promise. On the other hand, your girlfriend has been communicating in secret with a man. Did that make you jealous? Sure. Did you have the right to kiss someone else? No. Is it the end of the world? Well - you can't trust her, as she's communicating with another man in secret. She can't trust you becasue you kissed another woman. It seems that neither of you are ready to be in a committed relationship, either she wouldn't be communicating with him and you wouldn't be kissing her. Take a break - go to university, meet a ton of other girls, enjoy dating. Dating - that's where you meet and kiss lots of different girls, nothing committed or serious, taking time to figure out who and what you want. No strings. This sounds way too complicated and serious for someone so young.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): Please re-read your posting, as there are several "red flags". First, you need to answer one question honestly. Do you have a drinking problem? It's simple: did/does alcohol ever cause a problem? If the answer is yes, you have a drinking problem.
So, here is my advice. Just to be sure, attend an AA meeting and listen to what they have to say. You must heal yourself before you can involve another person in your life.
This entire scenario began with your jealousy over another guy. Jealousy is one of the ugliest emotions that exists and is insecurity driven.
You are currently too emotional and focused on the relationship with your girlfriend. It may be time to step back for a little while and examine your own life. You are obviously a sensitive person or you would not be seeking help. It's a good start, and I'm sure many other folks will jump in with their sage advice. There are several very good books on relationships and relationship building - "Love Lanquages", "The Road Less Traveled" and "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" are all great places to start self evaluation.
I wish you well.
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