A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do about my girlfriend. We've been together just over 3 months. She's 35 and I'm 33. I'd been single about 8 months before we met.I tell her I love her whenever I feel it, buy her flowers, visit her every day and send her messages so I think I'm a nice man. She's incredibly reserved and hidden however, and I find conversation with her often very difficult. If I ask her an open-ended question such as "What have you been up to since you got back this evening?" or "What kinds of things make you laugh?", her response is often either "I don't know really," or "It depends." ("Then how the dickens did you get together?" I guess is the obvious question and I guess it was because I was focusing more on how I was performing than on her as a person.) I have raised the issue with her and she says she's quiet because her ex used to put her down for saying the wrong things at the wrong time. It's driving me potty.I discovered my sex drive went through the roof as soon as we started dating, and viewed practically every woman I encountered as a potential sexual conquest, which I found both exciting and disturbing though I didn't act on any of these ideas. I also find it necessary to fantasise about larger-breasted, more extroverted women (like my ex!) to achieve orgasm when we're having sex.Despite trying to look at the things I love and value about my girlfriend, and being loving and caring towards her, I feel miserable. Since we started seeing each other I've just wanted to spend my spare time asleep to find some peace and sanctity and possibly some answers.I'm going to a festival with her this weekend and she's coming on holiday with me for four days at the end of September. I've come up with some options:1. Make the most of the relationship while looking for something more suitable - either things will improve or I'll find a better relationship2. Talk these issues out with her - they say that talking about our fantasies with our partners can help our sex lives, though I can't see how3. Sit back and go with the flow until the end of September then make a decisionAny suggestions about useful action I could take?Thanks
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flowers, her ex, my ex, on holiday, orgasm, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PaSpa  +, writes (14 August 2008):
I don't think telling her that you fantasize about other women will help your sex life with her. It might infuriate her, especially if you're fantasizing about your ex or women like your ex. You should be honest and open with her, though, about how you feel about her and your relationship with her. I've heard it said before that a person you have good conversation with is who you should marry. Tell her that if she cannot find a way to stop letting her past effect her present life with you, then you're going to have to discontinue the relationship. Otherwise it sounds, you could end up cheating on her and hurting her more than just breaking up would do.
A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (14 August 2008):
 I dont agree you should end it as i was with someone who was simular very quiet and didnt open up....it has been hard but i saw the true beautiful person under all that quietness and closing me out. Dont get me wrong it will be hard and will take alot of patience to rebuild her confidence, but you maybe what she needs to open up and change. If you truely cant see your future without her id say try and help her....talk to her tell her how your feeling maybe she needs to realise if she doesnt change she could lose you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 August 2008):
Sticking with her till something better comes along is NOT an option. She's not a house or a car or a food processor. You don't just get her removed with the delivery of a newer model. That makes you sound like a complete selfish pig. Are you really that kind of guy?
This relationship is obviously not working for you. She is not ready to open up and you are not the guy to give her the time and patience to rebuild her confidence. She will be sensing your frustration and it will only be making her worse.
The best thing for BOTH of you is to end this relationship after the festival. She can find someone who loves her for the way she is and you can go and find some busty blonde.
Be honest but not critical. Tell her you are not ready for a relationship with a girl who needs genuine time and care. It's not your fault but you will end up hurting her more if you carry on. She deserves more than that.
Good Luck!! xx
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