A
male
age
30-35,
*nman3487
writes:Greetings everyone. I'm here to ask a very strange sounding question; just make sure you read everything I have to say or it may seem a bit confusing.See, I've been seeing this girl long-distance for almost two years now. Where I live, I'm fairly secluded from pop culture, interactive media and the like. My girlfriend on the other hand, lives out east and tends to be a bit of a groupie. Always getting the backstage passes to concerts, even being on first name basis with many rising stars; especially in the music industry. I never had a problem with this until just very recently. There is a band from her hometown which recently landed a major record deal. She and her friend, who knew the band prior to their popularity, were invited to "hang out", although what that means I'm not entirely sure. As I said, of course I normally wouldn't have any problems with this. I do my best not to be overly jealous and/or controlling. However, certain comments she's made recently worry me. She talks about how attractive she thinks the members (one in particular) of aforementioned band are, and asked me if I'd really be upset if she kissed one of them! I tried to shrug it off and take it as a joke, so jokingly I asked what would happen if one of the guys in the bands she meets and hangs out with tried coming onto her. After a long pause she said "nothing," only I didn't detect a drop of sincerity in her voice. She has been hit on by artists she's met in the past.Essentially, my question is this. Is it right for me to feel jealous when she's meeting these people, especially ones that she's had a connection with before their rise to fame? How can I approach her without sounding stupid? And last, but not least... How on earth am I supposed to compete with a celebrity when I'm just a nobody? Thanks a lot for your time.
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male
reader, mnman3487 +, writes (5 December 2009):
mnman3487 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well in the end I really have no choice but to just trust her. Being a groupie is what she does, it's part of her. I expressed to her that her comments made me uncomfortable, and she agreed not to say such things again. Thanks to everyone for all of your help, especially you hijacked.
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (4 December 2009):
 I think that this guy is the only guy she has joked around about in front of you as far as attraction goes. And whether it is two girls or a group of fans, if she wanted to cheat, she would have. Just like this situation, if she wants to cheat, she will.
But I don't think she really wants to cheat. I mean she's been up front with you about it the entire time, you know? She isn't lying or hiding anything. But you have every right to be nervous about this particular situation. I would be too. I'm just trying to rationalize the situation in order to make you feel better. Any situation previous she could have cheated, and I'm assuming she didn't. This situation is no different, because it doesn't really matter the size of the group. Things happen either way. As far as what she said, I guarantee she found other guys who hit on her attractive, but she shot them down. This is just the circumstance where she said something about it (which was a mistake and quite rude).
You know what I would do? Maybe request that she doesn't do this one. If you really feel that uncomfortable, then call her up and tell her how you feel about the situation and perhaps ask that she doesn't go on account of your discomfort level. She already shot her own foot by admitting how attractive that guy is, so I mean...she shouldn't be too hurt by the request. You guys have been together for a while, she should consider your concern.
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A
male
reader, mnman3487 +, writes (3 December 2009):
mnman3487 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, as I said, I never had a problem with it before. I didn't even mind when bands would hit on her because she never came out and made comments like the ones she's making now. Perhaps I should've been more specific, I'm not worried about random bands she meets, more specifically just this band in particular because she'll be hanging out with just them and one of her friends, not an entire group of fans. It's the personal level that she's on with this band coupled with the comments she's made recently that makes me feel threatened.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (3 December 2009):
I can tell you that she probably said those things to make you jealous. I mean you two have been in a long distance relationship for two years, right? I'm sure that gets frustrating for her. And I don't think someone who is actually planning on messing around with someone flaunts it like she did. I'm assuming that what she said was just a joke in bad taste. Maybe you should talk to her about it if it still makes you feel uneasy.
But anyway, more about the band thing. My boyfriend is in a local band that has become pretty popular, they played the Warped Tour in a location or two this year. And seriously, fans are fans. They have to get to know their fans on a really personal level, because without them, they wouldn't be famous. Your girlfriend is lucky that she gets to hang out with them, but I can guarantee she isn't targeted specifically by this band. You say she knew the band prior? So the band just wants to get to know them especially. My boyfriend's band had a small group of girls that adored them before they got big, so the band always goes out of their way to make sure that these girls are paid attention to personally and taken care of. Not in a sexual way of course, but still. Bands do this because they have to. Or else no one would like them, you know?
You say that other bands have hit on her before? Well she didn't sleep with them, did she? And I'm sure there were a few that she found attractive, but she loves you! I'm sure that this band is no different. The fact that she is with you and loves you shows that you are even better than a celebrity to her. Some girls just love to know people in the music industry, and most of the time it's bad intentions. But it sounds like she is loyal and just does it for her love of music. Just tell her where you stand about everything and perhaps question why exactly she does like hanging out with these guys. Maybe tell her that her jokes made you feel a little uncomfortable, and that if she wants to hook up with celebrities, maybe you two shouldn't be together. I can definitely understand where your insecurities come from, and it takes a really secure person to deal with this type of behavior. Being a girlfriend of a guy in a rising band, I just have to deal with the reverse actions. If you need to talk more, just let me know! Good luck.
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