A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this beautiful woman for 9 months, it started out as an affair and the relationship has grown into a strong love for each other. I have lived with her now for 4 months. We are strongly considering marriage, but I have only one major concern...I think she cheated on me with her ex FWB early in our realtionship. Some background: I was unhappily married for years, and about 3 months into the affair, I filed for divorce. Up until that time, I was honestly torn between my unhappy, but comfortable married life, and a new, fulfilling love with this new partner. I gave her strong signals at times of wanting to reconcile my marriage. Very early in the affair, I made it clear that while I felt very strongly for her, I wasn't probably the guy who could give her children and marry her (she is 40 and has been single, so she is anxious to have kids and get settled). I even told her at one point I'd understand if she wanted to move on because of my situation...although I never said I would condone her seeing other guys. I told her I woudl probably stay in the marriage for the sake of my son, who's 12. Long story short, I made the choice to be happy, be with this new woman, and I am glad I did.Now for the affair part: So, I had some suspicions about her because of her past (overlap between past lovers, mixed stories about her past, her staying in contact with her ex as a friend, etc). Also some weird behavior at times (changing her bed sheets EVERy time we had sex, closing her phone rapidly when I entered the room, etc). So when I moved in after seeing her for about 4 months, I started sharing her computer. One thing led to another, and I saw several E-mails written to her ex while I was with her. Most were innocent..."hey, how are you...haven't heard from you, etc. One, written to him about a week into our relationship, said something like "I miss you". But the killer was about 2 months into our relationship, we had a bit of a fight because she leaked out to people at work (we work togehter) that we were seeing each other. BIG rumors got around work, and she lied to me about telling her friends. I was pissed, and kinda felt like breaking it off right there. I believe I did text her and say I wasn't sure I could continue with her. THat night...just hours after out spat, she wrote an E-mail to her ex inviting him over for sex that weekend. A day later, she and I made up, and went away that weekend, for one of the most memorable weekends of our relationship. So I know he didn't come over. THere were no followup E-mails after that, indicating they hooked up or anything. THere was one about a month later, at CHritmas, where she said "if I don't see you, have a good holiday". Nothing after that except innocent friendly "how have you been" stuff, which I am OK with.I found out all of this about the invite 3 months after it occurred. When I confronted her (I moved out) she explained that she thought we were broken up, and she said it was a moment of feeling self destructive, and going back to him was somehow punishing herself because he was the wrong guy, etc. Of course I didn't buy that. She swore with all her heart she had not cheated, and he never saw her. She swore she would never have followed through with it, and it was a momentary reaction and bad decision. She wrote the same things about it being a bad decision in her journal, which she showed me later.I am still torn about it, because she had professed her love for me before this occurred, and told me she had moved on from him, which obviously isn't true. Even if she didn't do anything, the fact that she wanted to is damaging. But at that time in our relationship, I was sending signals that I wasn't completely committed. And in my heart, I wasn't yet. So I guess that maybe made it fair game. I just want the truth. I think at this point, I could handle it. I do love her with all my heart, but this occurrence has created a rift that I don't think I can fully recover from. Maybe in time. What kills me is the not knowing. What do I do? I could forgive if I found it to be true, but it would affect how I feel and how I've envisioned us as a couple.
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affair, at work, cheated on me, divorce, her ex, her past, move on, moved in, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): You were married and sleeping with your lover.you left your wife for the lover and found out that the lover was sleeping with you and her FWB. It is said cheaters do not change, they just change partners.
A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (10 June 2010):
I think you have to believe her, based on what you've said.
I also think you have found out something important about this woman. She needs to have certainty in a relationship. You know now, if you get to a difficult point in your relationship, you won't threaten to leave.
I know it might seem like this is something that has tarnished the memories of you two getting together, and you fear something more untoward has happened, but assuming she is being truthful about not cheating, I would consider what has happened a valuable lesson learnt about how to deal with her when problems arise. Give her stability, support and emotional commitment and I am sure everything will be fine.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Thank you all so much. Queen...thank you. That was exactly what I wanted to hear. You are so right. And something interesting that you made me think about that I wasn't, was that I was hurting HER. My intent to giving her that freedom early on to move on to more solid relationships was my attempt at offering her freedom, and giving myself some breathing room. But I can see now that it may have been percieved more as rejection than an offer of freedom. Thanks for pointing that out.I will have to forgive and most importantly, forget. It still comes up from time to time, but we kinda joke about it more than anything. I also look at it this way...if whatever happened meant something in terms of OUR relationship, she's honest and good enough to say something or move on. If something happened, and it didn't mean anything, she wouldn't say anything, and it would pass. We are all human, and do human things. Forgiveness is what makes us noble. I love her enough to do that. Thank you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): I think you should forgive her and move on with what will hopefully be many, many happy years together.
Why do I think this? Well, you've both been through one hell of a time. Having an affair, and getting out of older relationships, is never as clean or easy as it looks in the relationship textbooks! While a new relationship is beyond exciting, its newness and lack of familiarity can also be terrifying after the stability of a longterm relationship. Understandably, you had moments of doubt and hesitation early on. I'm not for a second blaming you for that - I think most people who were remotely honest would admit that they had emotionally shaky moments in the first few months of a very intense, new relationship. As I'm sure you now realize - those shakes aren't a reflection on the quality of the relationship, merely a response to a very, very big life change.
However, in voicing your doubts to your partner, you no doubt wounded her very deeply. On top of that, you had already said that you didn't feel that you were the guy to settle down with her, and that you'd understand if she moved on to other guys. It would be very, very natural, in those circumstances for her feel rejected and unwanted.
About 7 months after I first started dating my boyfriend, a guy I love with all my heart, he told me that he was having doubts. It was one of the most painful moments of my life - I honestly felt as if I had been physically cut with a knife and I could barely breathe after hearing it because I was in total shock. All I could feel for about quarter of an hour was huge mental pain. It seemed to come out of nowhere- I had moved in with him, and thought we were setting up a new life together and was tremendously excited for our future. It decimated my confidence and my trust in the relationship, and I cried (secretly without him seeing) for days and days. I still have moments of absolute panic when I think about it, though I believe that he is now very much committed to our future.
What I'm trying to say with this rather lengthy anecdote is that doubts within a relationship can be very difficult to deal with, particularly for women. If she also felt that you guys had split up, her email to her ex is understandable. It wasn't the right thing to do, mind, but it was a moment of forgiveable weakness. Women often feel the need to affirm their sexiness when they feel deeply hurt: at some level, it can feel like 'getting back' at the guy who wounded us by demonstrating our attractiveness to others. Yes, it's a stupid idea, and no, it's not smart! But many women out there have done it. For instance, I told my guy about a handsome and semi-famous actor I dated before him, to try to make him see that I was attractive and a worthy 'catch'. It seems a bit pathetic now, but at the time I felt I had something to prove!
As for the ex - I wouldn't worry too much. He was probably just the first, and most available guy around who could give your partner the validation she needed. To put it another way: this arranged sex was definitely NOT about your partner and her ex - it was, in fact, all about the relationship between you and her, because the entire act was about you because it was predicated on the way that you hurt her. I highly doubt that anything happened between the pair of them for that very reason. When you add in the fact that you had also voiced doubts to the point that she might well have believed you were breaking up, you have a situation that is eminently forgiveable.
I really hope you guys can work things out. You seem like a genuinely very nice guy and a very understanding man, and I think that once you start seeing the situation from her pain and her perspective, you might find that you don't even need to forgive her, because the whole thing was just a misunderstanding in which neither of you were entirely blameless.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Hello,
You were married had an affair then left your wife to be with this woman. I think from what you've written you're over reacting. She was uncertain at that time of your true intentions. She wrote to her ex usually casual conversation and then the sex email. As long as you're both committed now after this whole ordeal then there shouldn't be any problems.
Good luck
;D
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Choose to believe she didn't do anything and enjoy the happiness you've found with her. Sometimes you just have to put certain things out of your head and move past them. This is one of those things.
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