A
female
age
41-50,
*nknown77889
writes:Hey guys, Need some advice here or just a way to avoid the unnecessary arguments altogether. In short, my girlfriend is continuously saying I've said things I've never said. It's driving me mad because if I defend myself about these things I've never said she twists it and says I'm calling her crazy because it happened as she remembers it and she's not crazy. I'll usually just agree with her and say maybe I said it but I've forgotten but I'm not going to agree when what she's saying is that I'm saying horrible things to her. However, if I don't agree with her, and basically admit I'm awful, we argue and she'll end up not speaking to me. Well today she's got me feeling nuts, I didn't understand what she was talking about so I was confused as the thing in question she claims she's already told me but I literally have no memory of her ever saying this to me. But yet again she must be crazy, which apparently I'm calling her, as she remembers it happening so it happened. There's no compromise, I'm the one that must be wrong every time and it makes me so mad and makes me feel awful as a person.But the truth is, most of the things she's saying to me, I don't think she's ever actually mentioned. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 OP, this is not a good sign.
As other aunts previously mentioned, she is gas lighting.
You should try to exit this relationship before things boil over. If you think you will never be right, that's because you are right about that.
You're going to be miserable for a long time if you don't consider letting go but I would say; assess your relationship. Only you know how bad things really are.
If this is an issue, which it is, then think things through and make a decision on whether to leave or not. I say, however, that you should just leave.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (20 July 2017):
You are in an abusive relationship. What she is doing is called gas lighting. I don't understand why you are still with a woman you know is a liar.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (19 July 2017):
 A former partner did this with me until I had the idea to record our conversations, and his flare ups... This kept my sanity intact because I had proof of my side of the argument. Prior to he'd tell me he blabbed to friends and strangers about me, that I said, such and such. This started to really hurt my feelings, as some of these people supported him without knowing me or the villain in him.
At one stage I was so angry with his BS and Doctor; I almost made an appointment with his Psychologist that he had started seeing. He'd come home no better at first, but more of a tyrant. This made me think this professional was not asking the right questions, but listening and advising him on one side of the story; HIS! This advice constituted more abuse in the household. Talk about credentials!?
Eventually the truth was known to all who in fact the crazy person was. But the ride to success was not easy nor something would I do again or suggest anyone do.
Sadly your situation will get worse before there’s even a slight itsy-bitsy dust particle of hope.
Take Care - CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2017): If you don't remember saying the things she accused you of, it is likely you didn't say them.
That's a psychological-maneuver to flip the argument; or to weaken your position within a disagreement. The objective is throw you off-balance. To force you to apologize and/or assume fault; or take the subordinate position in the disagreement. The aggressor takes the role of leadership.
She wants to justify her displaced anger, control the outcome of the disagreement, and justify her verbal-abuse. Typical of people who are controlling and aggressive.
Do you see the following as a pattern? You can never get a word in edgewise, she speaks in "torpedo" or "rapid-fire" sentences, talks over you when you're speaking; and on top of all this, you know she is flat-out lying. It's meant to wear you down to submission. It obviously works, by your own admission. You've allowed it to continue over time; so it is how your disagreements have become structured. It's exactly how a lawyer conducts a cross-examination. The point is to twist the truth or insert a lie, and confuse the witness. Then they're unsure of their own testimony. My partner of 28 years was an attorney. A good one too!
You need to seriously consider ending this relationship. It will only get worse. Your post is an indication that it's probably the last straw. You'll never change her. It's not your job to do that.
She may be a pathological liar. She believes her own stories. She is manipulative, and forces you to accept responsibility for causing discord; when she can't handle the situation, or doesn't want to compromise. She always wants to be right. It's always your fault that you disagree. You know better than that.
Are you aware of any diagnosed mental-disorders?
She may be recalling or confusing past arguments with other people; but it shouldn't occur as frequently or consistently as you've indicated. Something may be wrong, but that doesn't mean you should have to deal with it.
You have to use your common-sense and by-pass your stronger inclination to remain with her in spite of how you're treated. Submitting to abuse and intimidation isn't love, it's masochistic. She's already breaking your spirit.
Her behavior wont change; because her tactics are well-practiced, smartly-executed, and quite effective. She has always done this to people, and it has now become ingrained in her personality.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 July 2017):
 Yep, gaslighting which is a combo of controlling and manipulation.
I get that you don't want to argue but really what kind of relationship is it if you have to apologize for stuff you haven't said? Just to placate her?
I have to agree I would tell her, enough I'm done with you.
Then block, delete and move on.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (19 July 2017):
 I agree with the general consensus. This is indeed known as gaslighting. I'm not sure what her motives are but she certainly couldn't be thought of as a loving, caring woman. Gaslighting is a method where an individual tries to make another individual go insane or think that they are going insane. It can start out slowly and insidiously and by the time the person figures out what is going on, they may indeed feel that they are insane.
My advice? Get out. Immediately. Don't even try to figure out what the lady is up to. She should not be trusted. This is also of course mental abuse. Whatever she's up to, don't be her victim.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 July 2017):
 This abusive behavior is called Gaslighting. To avoid unnecessary arguments, stop seeing her. Never accept abuse. Of course you feel crazy that is the goal of Gaslighting.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 July 2017):
 This is an insidious manoeuvre on her part. It works by keeping you permanently on the back foot. The aim is control.
The counter, the only one I know, is a rude rebuke or, in the event of a come-back, a series of them. Use a colourful and imaginative selection of Anglo Saxon when she turns on this nasty game.
If she does it in front of friends and family you will need to be more contained. You don't want to come across as verbally abusive.
Men are castigated for physical abuse but rarely are women similarly held to account for a continual mental war of attrition like this.
I think it might be a learned character trait. You might look to her immediate family.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (19 July 2017):
 Girlfriend as in friend who is a girl, or a woman you are in a relationship with?
Blunt answer is your girlfriend is either nuts or trying to gaslight you, either way its time to re-evaluate the relationship.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201704/7-stages-gaslighting-in-relationship
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