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*onsta
writes: Hi need some advice , i will try not to bore you too much, anyway me and my partner of 4 1/2 years split up 9 weeks ago, we have 2 children and moved into our first home 2 months previous to break up, before that she lived with me and my parents for 3 years. Basically she says that she misses me and loves me but is not in love with me, also her ex-boyfriend who she apparently has not spoke too in 4 1/2 years is suddenly her friend again and is going around there, she says its just a friendship. I have tried constantly to get her back she sounds sometimes like she wants too but other times not, should i give up on her as she says i am pestering her now, i have been a liitle nasty in calling her names but have explained this was from hurt as since the break up she has told me lies. thankyou
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reader, tonsta +, writes (12 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the question* BIG UPDATE * ok i was out to dinner last saturday and i got a text out of the blue from my ex asking if i had, had dinner i asked why and she said because she had made some and there was enough for one more person. i said sorry im out to dinner then i got about another 5 txt's saying i should of asked about my kids (i did she was using it as an excuse) anyway after that nothing till the next day when i collected on of my little ones she said that she wanted to put te past behind us and sort things out. i said she would have to break contact with her ex and neighbour as i could not come back knowing she is still in contact then she said there was too many rules so we didnt sort things out i am confused!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): I think you've got their in the end you've said your piece and that's it now. Don't ever bother looking at the reasons behind the break up, just accept it as you now have, and move on. She still has good feelings for you, and she always will, but they are different feelings.
As you say give it a lot of space, look after your children and eventually you will feel as if you have got your future back again, it wasn't written in stone and that's an exciting prospect. I'll sign off now good luck.
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reader, tonsta +, writes (7 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou anon you have been such a help well just to let you know i spoke to her last night and explained everything, she said she was enjoying her life now and said she does not think i can make her happy anymore. i feel releived VERY releived because you could say thats closure, for some reason i feel alittle better! and its good, i still miss her and love her and she has said and done alot of hurtfull things but thats just a lesson in life isn't it? last night she admitted shes not really hurting anymore so i have let her go no more texting or ringing and just concentrate on the children. she did hug me and then gave me a second one shortly after, i do think she is confused but she did say in her eyes there was more bad points then good so what can you say to that? if someone thinks that. i did say to her about the me not making her happy, that i think she is telling herself that becasue we have been happy which proves we can be! she also text me at midnight last night and said, " i hope you are alright after today, take care love (her name) xx " a nice closure! THANKYOU for the support what a nice site.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): I think you have probably come to the right conclusion in that she is maybe seeing someone else and doesn't want to see you now, but I would recommend you still talk to her, use the points I mentioned earlier on.
I think you will find it very hard to get closure otherwise if you don't talk to her - say your bit then go and leave with a fresh conscience knowing fully well you have done everything possible to sought it out, if not, in years to come you may regret not having had one last chance to say how you feel. Your children will want to know one day you did everything possible to save the relationship. Tell her you love her.
I reckon it will help you if you have your say, but remember to keep your cool, if you see her with someone else, don't back off, walk up and tell her you need to talk and it is important, the other person will soon clear off.
After you've said your bit leave, and get some space..it will be very difficult and you'll think about nothing else for months and months...I know... but one day you will get over her (that is, if she doesn't come back) and you won't be bothered at all. She may not realise it but she is probably making the biggest mistake of her life, but however many times you tell her that now it will make little difference.
Don't beat yourself up to badly this thing type of thing does go on a lot, I thought I was the only one when it happened to me, my fiancee has been gone now for 4 months abd it still hurts and you will miss her for a long while.
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reader, tonsta +, writes (6 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni forgot to mention that 4 weeks ago i tried to ring her and she hung up later that day i found out she went shopping with her nieghbour (who she didnt know till we split up) she said she only done it because her car was in for repair and she left her flat keys on her car keys so i was abit curious but didnt say anything, so i thought i would take your advice and go and see her and try and talk when i got there her car was there but she was not i waited in the car park and she pulled in with her nieghbour and my kids in the car. i drove off hurt and heard NOTHING from her even though she did see me, i am hurting so much but realise now after actualy seeing her with someone that she is not worth my love and that she has moved on and thinks she made the right decision. thankyou for all your help i really have appreciated it but i think now this is a lost cause.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): Look I think you know already she is with the ex boyfriend and, lets be honest now, she doesn't want anything to do with you at the moment. Don't give up if you realy still want her. You hold the trump card you are father of her children. The ex boyfriend probably won't hang around for long. It's getting difficult to advise you now.... you could always go "cold turkey" and have no contact with her for a while to see if she misses you but I thinkl you do need to talk to her (as I have previously indicated) you have to let her know just how you feel about her and the children, otherwise you may kick yourself later.
Bare in mind we may both be wrong she could just be friends with her ex, but her conduct does show a total lack of commitment towards you, which is weird in view of the time you have been together. My ex fiance was just the same, best friends in the whole world, soul mates shared everything and devoted then suddenly she didn't want to see much of me after work, spent mist weekends apart, started slimming and getting a new wardrobe, going to the gymn, very brief on the phone at lunchtime, distant, always late for me - you can spot the signs as well?
I reckon she still has feelings for you, because of the hug etc, but she is not in love with you anymore - that's the message she is sending out.
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reader, tonsta +, writes (5 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questiononce again thankyou ok the flat was rented in both our names and now i have moved out she has changed the tenancy to her sole name, i had no choice as she was going to go homeless with my children which means a horrible b and b and i could not put them through that. i spoke to her about the good times she said yes they was nice but didnt really show any signs of remorse, on the week i went back to see how things went i said at the beggining of the week that i wanted her to stop talking to him and she said shwas not yet until the week was up and she see's if we work she said if he rang or text she would say she was away for a week. upon trying to get her back she said she would break contact with him BUT only because i wanted her too and that she didnt want too. when we are around each other sometimes she acts like we're together again playing around etc.. but why when she goes do i not hear from her? i really thought she was better than this, how can anyone chuck away 4 1/2 years? there was once about 2 weeks ago i was leaving the flat and she said i miss you and gave me a hug ONCE and all she says to me when i say have you no remorse is im not going to show it to you so you get a big head, i mean what is that?? i am going to beleive she is back with him and hopefully deal with my grieving that way it just eats me up thinking of him with her in MY bed and OUR flat with MY kids! i think she is a very shallow person i mean not even one text! even if it was to say the kids are ok anything just to break that barrier of her thinking of me enough to want to text me. i am finding it so hard not to text or ring her for any reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): Hallo again. Until you learn the truth as to whether she is back with the ex the turmoil will not stop, you have to face that fact. You need to find out for sure but bare in mind you don't want to alienate her or call her a liar just yet, until you are sure of the facts, but I personally feel she is seeing your ex as she seems indifferent to your feelings after so many years together.It seems to be that she is not making any efforts to keep in contact with you, once again in my experience this is a sure sign that her feelings are now elsewhere.If the flat is yours you do not have to move out, you could go back again, two people can be seperated but can still live under the same roof. I would certainly not give up my house if my ex had wanted me to go, she decided to go and left me in the house. I am in the process of buying her out as she was a joint owner on the deeds. If she wants to go let her move out, if it is your flat. If you were to move back you would at least be able to keep an eye on her, she really is taking the mick!She sounds like she is quite a shallow person as she clearly is not showing any signs of remorse, perhaps she has got what she wants and is happy now. You have to talk to her:1. Explain your feelings for her and recount the good times.2. Suggest that 'if' and only 'if' she gets back together with the ex it will not work because of the children etc etc blokes seldom want to take on children from other relationships, he has gone before and will do it again and he is just messing her around. Explain to her that he may only be a friend but he is coming between you, ask her id=f she understands that.3. Ask if she wants to bring up the children as a single parent, because that is how it will end up. 4.Explain that you hope she will make the right choice and come back to you as once the trust is gone, you doubt it would ever work again.5. Tell her you plan to move back in again as it is your flat, and you want to see your children. If she doesn't like that what can she do.6. Whatever you do DO NOT LOOSE YOUR COOL.Don't get your hopes up but you need to establish what's going on, for better or for worse.
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reader, tonsta +, writes (5 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou once again i really dont think she knows what she is putting me through i DO think there is something going on with her and her ex i want to know the truth but also am afraid of the truth! it really hurts me the fact she can walk away after seeing me and not contact me even to say hi or how you doing it has always been me and even then she said she had no credit when she did, maybe its a lost cause i just wish things was different if it was not for the ex i would be better and would think to myself give her space, but he lives 5mins down the road from her so can see her anytime and as she told me weeks ago they had a good relationship together and parted on good terms so the way i see it is why wouldnt they rekindle what they had?. i worked and struggled really hard to get the nice flat she is in that was my home i was there 2 months then had to move out why has she come off so much better than me? she seems to have no remorse and that is driving me crazy am i being silly over the ex or do you think i have reason to worry? or should i just say to myself i will not be treated like s**t anymore? if she just showed she was hurting too it would make me feel better knowing she cared too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): Hallo me again (7 1/2 years). I think you realy are banging your head against the wall now you don't know whether she is lieing or not, I know the feeling.
What is your "gut" feeling they are generally right. I think she is with her ex and she is treating you very badly. I am still not sure whether she is trying to choose or not she may already be past that stage. In brief she is cheating on you anyway, by confiding in her ex and watching videos with him, it doesn't have to be sexual, she would not do this if she still had feelings for you, she must know this is driving you mad.
In my experience I think you should prepare yourself for the worst I think she may have made her mind up some time ago that she wants to be with her ex - women generally think with their hearts, that's not to say blokes don't, but if you really want her back you have to talk to her head this time, not her heart, and again and stress the ex boyfriend isn't serious despite what he is probably telling her, and he won't be around to look after your children, he will go again probably in a month or so as he has before and she will be on her own for the rest of her life bringing up children as a single parent. That'll make her think!
Go on to explain to her if the trust and relationship you have is lost, it would be almost impossible to start up again. She may dump the ex in view of this but you can't be sure.
Not many men would want to take on someone else's family and you can be sure this ex boyfriend "plonker" will not, he's just having fun at everyone else's expense.
She has told you she isn't with the ex, but as a tactic you have to assume she is, but do not confromnt her over this. No arguements. Just say something like if you ever do get together with the ex boyfriend i.e. future tense not present tense, explain to her it will not last for the reasons mentioned above. By keeping it future tense your not calling her a liar.
Good luck with it all, I know what your going through she probably has no idea about the pain she is causing you.
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reader, tonsta +, writes (4 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust an update i have seen my ex today and we talked about her and her ex, i asked her if she would ever start seeing him again but she said no BUT she said she has seen him once and that he came over to her place when MY kids was in bed and they watched a film i asked her if anything happened and she said no i am confused do i beleice her or should i have doubts? every time i see her i feel so hurt i didnt mean to see her she was in tesco when i went to get some things also i arranged to meet her sat to go for a walk but she remembered she had a bbq at her parents so i said dont worry about it, she said to me today that she arranged to see him that night after i said not to worry but she said that it was too late and did not see him should i be thinking she is trying to choose between me and him? is that why she is saying she dont know what she wants? i REALLY need help please!
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reader, tonsta +, writes (4 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou i am going to take your advice, it is hard but you must struggle through. she has said to me that there is no feelings between them but these last 7 weeks have been so mixed. we have still slept together (wrong i know) and i have gone around for dinner a few times, i even went back for a week as a trial she wanted to see that i would be more loving etc.. and this i was becasue i had realised what i had lost but at the end of the week she accused me of being fake! she has not shed a tear since the split but she says she has to be strong for the kids, the hardest part is not knowing how she feels, i spoke to her yesterday and i asked her to look into my eyes and say its not what she wants she looked but said she dont know what she wants. i want to give her the space she needs but i also dont want to be able to give her the time with him! if she just said she is with him and dont 100% want to be with me i could start to move on! damn break ups are hard i am 27 and when i commit to a relationship i do i would never cheat i just dont know what went wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2006): I am very sorry to say but I think she is with her ex boyfriend now. The same thing happened to me.."I love you but I am not in love with you"...this is a girl's way of trying to let you down slowly, she is telling you it is over but she does not want to hurt your feelings because of your children and because you must still be good friends, after all this time. My ex did this to me after 7 1/2 years and for months I tried like mad to get her back, but it was to no avail, I found out months later she had secretly fallen for someone else, but just didn't have the guts to tell me. I think honesty is the key to this problem you are having. If you knew for sure then you could move on without dreaming she may come back one day.Your ex probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you she is seeing soemone else, but until she either admits that, or you decide to move on, you are going to be banging your head against the wall. I remeber when I found out after 4 months my ex had someone else it was almost, in a funny way, a sense of relief because at least you then have all the answers.Back to the present. As she thinks you are pestering her I suggest you give her some space and time to think about things, don't rebound yourself it doesn't work, you never know she may want to come back eventually, but I wouldn't want to bet money on it now. It will feel very hard for months and months but as time passes by things will get easier and hopefully she may realise the error of her ways, and the odds may improve! Good luck and seek out some old friends to hang out with for the time being.
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reader, tonsta +, writes (4 July 2006):
tonsta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your kind words, my problem is they broke up becasue he went to uni and it was too long distance, i just really love her so much and cant imagine life without her, i love my children and now only get to see them weekends. i was not perfect in our relationship but want the chance to recify my wrongs. i have tried everything taking her out, turning up with flowers and to no avail.i want her to be happy but i think that means me being unhappy. i just dont get how someones feelings can just change.
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