A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, the woman i am suppose to marry is a liar. 2 years ago i asked her if she was a virgin because i am and didnt want to waste each orther's time if we had different ideals about premarital sex. She said she was a virgin, now that i am completely in love, her friends invited us for dinner and things were said due to alcohol. She has slept with 10 men and from what she told me she didnt regret it. And she's glad she found a guy like me who actualy didn like her just for sex. I can see the future two years into our marriage, she wont like sex. I dnt know if i should marry her,any advise.
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male
reader, aresu  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 you should leave her, not only you have different moral values, but she lied about something that she knew was very important to you, and she did it without remorse, had she not got drunk, you would still believe otherwise and she would still be happy about how she got what she wanted and wouldnt care that she had to fool you to do it.
who knows what else she could be lying about, considering that this was very important to you she may be very well lying about other things that are also important, and she already proved that she has no problem whatsoever in hiding them from you.
and on top of that she took your virginity, knowing that it would be no turning back and you lost someting very valuable to you, and you were saving it for someone who did he same, and she did it anyway. so she doesnt care about your moral code, if that stops her from getting what se wants.
and know even if you do divorce her, you have already lost your opportunity to experience the first time together with someone else, because you already had sex, the damage she has done cannot be fixed, and you should not let her get away with it.
good luck with wathever happens, and im sorry about what she did to you.
A
male
reader, yourfavdinosaur  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 For her lie, it is right to say that it was wrong. But, did she do it for the wrong reason?
I have a story...
Once, I've read an article about a man and a woman. They were both HAPPILY married for many years, decades. Eventually after time and time again of the wife saying she never had sex before him, the wife said otherwise. She said she had sex with a bunch of other men in the past as a young individual. Her husband was outraged..
Eventually, however, he looked at her situation and where he was now. He's in a happy marriage. He has a wife that loves him very much, and is faithful. And the past, was the past. She loved him, similarly with your situation, because he loved him not exclusively for sex.
Now, since your main dilemma is virginity, I think you should consider factors outside that too. Virginity does consider faithfulness with an individual to a point, but does everything else about her outweigh that?
In the end, it all depends on you, your views on morality, and how you weigh the situation. Follow your heart and intuition with a clear judgement, then follow through on that. Do what you think is best. I hope you resolve your dilemma and find peace of mind as soon as possible. Take care!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Dump her to avoid a lifetime of misery. And sue her for wasting your irreplaceable years.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): "She lied to avoid disappointing him" just like every con artist lies to avoid disappointing their next victim.
She may not have had malice when she told the lies, but she also did it without any remorse either. This tells you what you need to know. She just wants to get her way. She does not respect his rights, morals, or wishes when they stand in the way of her getting what she wants.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Sorry didn't mean to hit below the belt, it just appeared as if you were insecure. I apologize if it did. She did lie about something important to you, but she didn't do it with malice. She did it, as the other aunt said, so she wouldn't dissapoint you. Let me point out again that it was one lie. And you love her, correct? You believe in waiting for marriage and I respect your veiws. However, you could talk to her about how you want to raise your kids and if she agrees, fine. If she doesn't, I would either compromise or leave. And you have to understand that you can raise your children a certain way, but they might not think that way. You can only do your best to raise your kids to be good, well-rounded adults. For example, my parents raised me and my siblings catholic. My sister is an athiest. And it will be hard to find a virgin in your 20s that you'll fall in love with. I personally think this marriage could work, but its up to you.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Hello,
Yes, stick to your morals. She is not the girl for you. She lied regarding something very important to you. It is best for you to leave her.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (30 August 2011):
 stick to your morals OP. this woman is a fraud. if you had known at the beginning that she did not suit your preference list she would never have gotten a further date with you, let alone carry on seeing each other and end up falling in love. a preference list of qualities that you look for in a person is not a bad thing.
i will say though that just because someone is a virgin, this does not make them a perfect person and just coz someone has had sex, that does not make them a bad person. but this one you are with now is just a liar, and that is never good!
x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Looks to me like you've made up your mind. Cut her loose and keep looking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy issue is she lied and she's not a virgin.she knew what i wanted in a woman and thats not a woman with ten men under her belt. And i am not insecure, i grew up with a certain moral code and thats what i want in my wife. I want a wife who will raise my kids many good things and that includes virginity
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 You have two clear choices:
- Leave her. She lied to you about something that is important to you. It wasn't a small lie. You are within your rights to do so. It's not the 'wrong' thing to do. But if you do this, do not do it in ager. Remember this is a woman you love, so find the kindness in your heart towards her. She will learn a painful lesson: losing you. She needs no more punishment than that.
- Stay with her. But if you do so: forgive her absolutely for this and do not think about it or discuss it again. You love her: that is a good reason to marry. Although she lied, she lied because she did not want to disappoint you. And her sexual past does not mean she cannot make a wonderful wife. The fact she has had sex shows at least she likes it: so you are likely to have a good sex life with her too. No person would thing badly of you for staying with her: it takes a strong and good person to forgive a lie and let it go.
But I cannot say this more clearly: if you stay with her you must forgive her completely and let this go from your mind. Otherwise you are dooming both of you to an unhappy marriage.
But as I said: if you stay with her
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): Whenever these topics come up, almost everyone is quick to recognize how much of a sacrifice it is for an early 20s guy to have given up ALL sexual experience before marriage.
But for some reason the same people often expect the guy to switch off all those EXTREMELY strong emotions and values when his woman has been lying about her past. It does not work that way.
The O.P.'s strong feelings about this are completely understandable in light of his own sacrifices. It is hitting below the belt to imply that he only cares because he is insecure about his own sexual abilities.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (30 August 2011):
No No, she lied at least 10 times to him by saying she's a virgin. This isnt the person you were searching for. We all have preference whom we should and will date. This person created another person for you to fall in love with.
Walk from this now! Everytime you sleep with her you will see all 10 of them and a few other that she didnt claim. Everytime you walk with your new wife and walk past a guy you would wonder has he been in your wife or not. Why! Why go through this when you dont have too.
Say I love you, but bye.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Why is everyone saying she lied about who she was and he fell in love with a person she made up? She lied about one thing. Sure, it was a big thing to lie about, but it was one lie. Don't tell me you have always been 100 percent honest in your relationships, because that is obviously a lie. Are you honestly going to end a serious relationship because someone lied, once? OP, you love her, so what is the problem? You're nervous that you won't satisfy her? Let me tell you right now you don't know that. You don't know she won't like sex with you. Whose to say that those other men satisfied her? She loves you, and if you are so nervous she can (and probably will) always tell you what she likes and doesn't like. Unless this is because of your religion, all I can see thats the problem here is your nerves getting the best of you.
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A
male
reader, HarveyWallbanger +, writes (29 August 2011):
What is the real issue for you my friend, that she's not really a virgin, or that she lied about it, or that she apparently enjoys sex? Why do you think she won't enjoy it a few years out? Were any of the 10 liasons during the time you and her were going out and she was "saving herself?" Is that the issue? That she was having sex with others, while saying no to you?
Sounds like there's a few questions to still sort out.
You say "you're completely in love." Is that still the case? Also, why do you say "supposed to marry?" Was this relationship arranged somehow, or is it something your'e choosing?
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (29 August 2011):
why do you say she won't like sex? i can understand WHY she would lie to you, because she was ashamed of what she did, but you say she did not seem sorry, was this because she was drunk though?
the fact that she has been with 10 though and lied that she is a virgin is unacceptable. if she was ashamed by the amount, she should have at least admitted to not being a virgin, even if she did not want to admit to the number of men.
she has tricked you into loving her by pretending to be something she isn't
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): "If you truly loved her then her past should not present issues at this stage."
Hell no. It is emotional blackmail to accuse your partner of not loving you just because they are very upset about something. Be it their sexual past or other stuff.
The O.P. loved the person that his fiance lied and told him she was, not the real her. It's not his fault he fell in love with a fake persona. The blame is entirely hers. She knew exactly how he felt at the beginning and she lied for selfish reasons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): I hope the wedding is of?
Hey at least u know what she was upto instead of finding out later in your life.
When a person lies with something as big as this, u know that u cannot trust her.
Don't be a fool and try to get over her deceit. What else has she lied about?
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIl try to do whats right
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Why do you even care? She lied, and that was wrong. If your mad at her for lying, you two just need to work it out. Religion is religion, and love is love. If your religion forbids you from being with someone you love just because they aren't a virgin, you've got a problem. You'll havebto decide whats more important. But consider this, what she did with those men was her desicion and doesn't reflect on you. And if you do decide to stay with her don't lecture her about not being a virgin. That'll always drive her away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): She's lied about something very important and she'll lie about other things this is just one of many. So do not marry her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Hey, I don't know what to say except maybe the both of you should wait five years when you are in your late twenties and then get married. Then see if virginity means a hill of beans to the either of you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 August 2011):
Any time a person has doubts, for any reason or about anything, they should never get married. Pure and simple.
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A
male
reader, Sex_counsellor +, writes (29 August 2011):
 Is it the fact that she has lied which is the issue or the fact that she has slept with other men? If you truly love this girl then her past should not present issues at this stage. She may have lied purely because the truth would of stopped you two getting together. Think carefully about the aspects of your relationship which are the most important
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (29 August 2011):
If you want a virgin bride then this is not the girl for you. Forget about if she lied or whatever. The main thing for you is that you place high value on virginity so anything that you do with this girl will go against your beliefs. You have your ideals and that is what you should have. I believe you will now have to call things off, unless of course you are able to come to terms with her sexual past.
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