A
male
age
51-59,
*eed help 2day
writes:[MODERATOR NOTE: This post was broken into paragraphs to make it easier to read. No other changes have been made.]I am questioning my partners love for me. I don't think she loves me with the way she responds to me and also in her actions against me. In our 4 year relationship she has never been able to say she loves me to my face. She has sent a text message a few times saying that she loves me. i have asked her to tell me to my face but she say's she can't because of how her parents treat her when she was a teenager. At the weekend we went to a pub that i have never been to as we are both not drinkers. We arrived at 8pm and at midnight and 5 pints later i asked if we could leave as i felt very drunk and felt ill. Her brother-in-law then asked if we wanted another drink to which i declined as i was drunk but she said she wanted another half. i sat and waited for her to drink up but after 20 mins the room was spinning and i was going to throw up. i went outside and after shivering for 10 mins i went back in and asked if we could leave. She said that she wasen't ready and gave me the house key to walk home alone. I made about 500yds and fell over. I got up but fell over again and decided to sit there for a bit, eventually laying down and falling asleep. I don't know how long i was asleep for on the pavement before her and her brother-in-law waoke me up. i got up and walked 500yrds before falling over agian. She left me on the floor and walked off home on her own without me. i made it back to her house and fell asleep. At 4am i woke and wanted to go home. My wallet was missing from my pocket. I left her a message saying that i didn't want to be alone for sunday and could she let me know if she had plans. I went the route that i had taken home and found my empty wallet near the pub. At 1.30pm sunday she had not answered my message. I went to her house and she had gone out. She said a while ago that she does not need to say she loves me as actions speak louder than words. Her actions have made me doubt her love as these actions of staying in the pub and then leaving me on the pavement don't really seem to be the actions of love. When i told her about my wallet she said that the missing £800 was hard luck and it wasn't worth being upset about. i told her that £800 was not my issue that it was the fact that she totaly ignored my wish for us to leave and also left me defensless on the pavement. She said that she doesen't want to talk about it.......can anyone please let me have their thoughts as i am so hurt and can't think properly......thanks in advance...
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (2 November 2009):
 I'm so sorry to hear that you're being treated like this. No one deserves to be treated like this! The point was made below that couples look after each other even when they're completely drunk. And of course they do! -But even if you came across someone you barely knew in such an unhappy state you'd stop and look after them! With a girlfriend like her, who needs enemies??Your post indicates that the issues with between you and your partner are long term issues, rather than this being an isolated incident? If this truly were a one off incident in an otherwise awesome relationship, I’m sure it would be worth working through this. However, this is not the way that your post reads, so I will continue on that assumption- but please tell me otherwise if I have misread this.An even if she was also drunk and not thinking straight that evening , it doesn't excuse her not contacting you when you'd asked her to the following day, nor is there any justification for her not to be sympathetic about the £800. That sucks! -£800 is a huge amount to lose! And then on top of all this in the long run, she won't even tell you that she loves you ‘to your face’?? I think you have enough to give you an answer. She sounds cold beyond measure. It sounds like she was more concerned with keeping up worth the social crowd than making sure that you were okay when you felt unwell and asked to leave! Whether her parents treated her bad in her teenage years is NO justification for all of this. How would she react if you said the same to her??In my experience if you love someone you'd shout it from the rooftops, nevermind show them the decent respect you'd show anyone who was in your predicament, for not being used to drinking (she can hardly say you have a problem for drinking too much- the issue was that you've been used to drinking too little!?)I guess after that years of working through this, with couples therapy, and one on one therapy for her; she might at least learn to treat you as well as she should any casual acquaintance in trouble, but I just don't think she's ever gonna make the massive shift to showing the care you deserve as her 'lover'.There is so much more to relationships than she is showing- walk away from her so that you can experience a true loving relationship for all that it can be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): You describe you night as you wanted to go home sooner than ,she did and she gave you the keys to her apartment, you walked towards home and fell down drunk and passed out. You then awoke to her and her brother and law trying to roust you (so she didn't leave you passed out and defenseless on the street, she woke you up)
After which you still fell down after a few yards. You don't say how much time passed but that she walked on ahead of you home (she was also drunk as she kept drinking after you quit) and you state that you made it to her house and fell asleep....and got up at 4 am and walked home to your house on your own just leaving her a note about the next day...without waking her and letting her know you were leaving in the middle of the night, or staying there until she awoke in the morning.
So, I just don't see that she mistreated you here, had you not made it to her house right after her, how do you know she wouldn't have tried to find you? You don't.
I also don't think that if you are not used to drinking that it is any excuse that you suddenly found yourself so drunk you were spinning, vomiting and unable to walk and you passed out. That is drinking to such an excess that you are lucky you did not have alchohol poisoning.
Neither one of you are kids, that is if you are over 41 years of age as it states here.
I find it hard to believe that neither one of you are drinkers since you had not frequented this pub before. It just doesn't add up that the two of you never drink and both drank to such excess as a fluke.
So if you can't be honest with us, then you may not be able to be honest with yourself or with her.
I am sorry that your girlfriend is not very demonstrative with telling you "I love you." It could be that she doesn't want to overuse those words because they mean something to her. I sometimes don't agree with telling people I love, I love you at the end of every conversation, to me it is like it is about as important as saying good bye or I will talk to you later.
I reserve my I love yous for when I truly am in a heart felt moment, but that is just me.
I hope you two decide not to repeat your night and that you kiss and make up.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (2 November 2009):
 This doesn't sound good. I kind of have to disagree with the other Aunties that posted before (respectively). You stated before that you two aren't very big drinkers, which is good for you! Alcohol can definitely do someone in every once in a while. I have to sympathize with you on this, because seriously, everyone has a bad night when it comes to alcohol every once in a while. Especially if you rarely drink and don't know your limits. Alcohol can seem like it's not kicking in, so you drink more to compensate, and then bam. Wasted.
As far as her not being able to tell you out loud that she loves you after four years, that's kind of strange. Sure you can take her explanation, and her reasoning that her actions should speak louder is true. But when you remember that she left you passed out on the side of the road and she doesn't even care about how you lost a big chunk of money? That's not a very loving reaction. It's not like you get drunk every weekend and she has to put up with hauling you home all the time. From what you said, it sounds like a rare occasion. Couldn't she just 'man' up and help you to the apartment? For god's sake it's just a walk away, and she can't be mad because she was drinking too!
Also I think if the roles were reversed, you would have been given a lot of crap in the morning for leaving your girlfriend passed out on the street. How come it's so different when a girlfriend leaves their guy alone on the road? Me and my boyfriend have had times where one of us has gotten overly drunk, and we are always there to take care of each other when absolutely needed. I think that is what love really is, and as long as it isn't becoming a habit, she should be there to help you. She would expect the same treatment in return. So my advice? Take some time off and think about this for a while. See if this behavior continues. No one really deserves to be treated like this.
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A
male
reader, need help 2day +, writes (2 November 2009):
need help 2day is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to each and every one of you. Your thoughts are so helpful and will certainly help me with my thoughts.......can i add some more things through this section or do i have to ask another question? (i only joined this site a few hours ago) . I really would appreciate all your thoughts on another few questions of her love for me..
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 November 2009):
 Poor judgement on everybody's part. You should've left when you wanted to in the first place, then you wouldn't have ended up past out on the pavement. She should have helped you amble back to her place so you wouldn't have gotten robbed. Chalk it up to a bad evening where everyone let themselves down.
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A
female
reader, peppie +, writes (2 November 2009):
Perhaps it is like she said from her upbringing to not concern herself for others, although that seems completely void of human feeling which would be in my opinion a reason to get therapy. I you are not ok with being treated this way i would suggest you leave. It is pretty unlikey that she will treat you differently later. as to wether or not she loves you? Have you seen her treat others the way she treats you, or is it only you that she is this with?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Well, I don't think this situation is a case of her not loving you. I think it is a case of you both being irresponsible and drinking. Obviously, neither one of you had good judgement after being so drunk.
It isn't her fault that you drunk to the point of being incapacitated. She could have called you a cab, but apparantly you live in walking distance and you made it home when you slept of off.
The lesson in all of this is STOP DRINKING TILL YOU ARE DRUNK, STINKIN DRUNK. BAD STUFF HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE GET THIS DRUNK.
You should be apologizing to her for getting so drunk in the first place.
As far as her not being able to say the words I love you out loud. That's her. She's been with you for 4 years and you don't know yet if she loves you?
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