A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI just want to know if im being stupid, paranoid or whether im justified in my thoughts.My current girlfriend left her ex to be with me. We knew eachother for years, the whole time she was with her ex, which was 6 years. Anyway i always thought she was a lovely girl and so nice and i was attracted to her. i only really got to know her properly the last two years she was with her ex and during that time she really liked me and was very attracted to me. anyway she says now she stayed with her ex all that time because she hoped and though her feelings for me would just pass, and she also didnt think i liked her in that way anyway.It later came apparent that we both felt the same way and she ended up breaking up with her ex and she is now with me. anyway, im now paranoid that if she could leave her ex for me, then she could leave me when the next guy she likes comes along that feels the same way about her. she is very pretty and a really nice person so im really scared that the chances are if she likes someone they will probably like her 2.Am i being daft? I feel really insecure even though she liked me for so long, long before i fell for her. she says she loves me and that she doesnt make a habit of falling for someone when she is in a relationship and that she wouldnt just throw me away after she wanted to be with me for so long. But i over think thing so mush and i just cant stop worrying that shel end up leaving me for someone else! Ive been hurt in the past and this maybe why im so scared of it happening because i never want to feel like that again. its almost as if im too scared of being with her incase i get hurt.is it stupid to think she is more likely than any other girl to leave me for sum1 else just because she liked me when she was with someone else?I keep bringing it up to her and she says she hates the fact that i dont trust her. any thoughts?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (22 October 2009):
 Dear anonymous male,
What you want is for someone to tell you that everything will be okay. We can't tell you that. Things happen, people do bad things, accidents happen. I'd like to tell you that true love always lasts, but it doesn't always. The advice I gave you at the end of my last post is what you need to do to make your chances of lasting together the best. Even if you don't believe me about the whole cheating guilt stuff. If you want this to work you are going to have to get over these uncertainties you have. You need to stop worrying and get to work making it work. I will say this much, Your relationship is not "Doomed", you have as much of a chance of making this work as any relationship.
I'd like to take issue with something you said in your follow up. It really isn't related to your question at all but I believe it needs to be talked about by many who read here. You said, "surely people meet other people when they are in a relationship and cant help falling in love?" I am seeing this a lot here. Love is a powerful force but it is not irresistible. Nor is it as unpredictable as you seem to think. If you want to avoid falling in love it is as simple as avoiding getting hit by a freight train. If you stay off the tracks, you won't get hit. Don't go out alne with members of the opposite sex. Don't go to clubs where people are looking. Don't fantasize about anyone except your partner. When you do do those things and you fall in love then you, "cant help falling in love" because you were on the tracks and the train is way bigger than you. People in serious relationships need to have rules. You especially need rules. They will make you feel more confident in your relationship.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi thanks for the posts. we didnt really cheat, she liked me for about 2 years and she then told me that she did on a night out. i said i was flattered but she was with someone. we talked more over the next few weeks and realised how much we both liked eachother. we then spoke about what we should do and pondered over what was the right thing to do, and even discussed with some friends and family. we finally decided that although people may think we are horrible we thought it was stupid for two people who want to be together so much to be apart just for others. we thought we might always live our lives thinking what if. surely people meet other people when they are in a relationship and cant help falling in love? are all these peoples relationships certain to fail because they hapened to be with someone when they met? Im so paranoid now, i love this girl so much and she loves me but i feel i cant totally let myself go and be happy in the relationship because all these questions are worrying me. and the old cliches of "if she can do it to him she can do it to you". But surely she isnt different to anyone else, surely anyone can fall in love with anyone else, even if they are in a relationship. The person u are with may not be ur perfect match but u like them, and while ur with them u may happen to find the person who is perfect for you. but should u not go for the one thats perfect for you because it is socially unaccepted?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): I think you are actually fearful that what you both did to her ex, will come to bite you in the ass some time in the future. If her ex was a good friend of yours, then hey, you have reason to be alarmed. Fatherly advice, has given you some excellent advice. In fact he has given you positive recommendations but i just want to throw a spanner in the works here. I always believe that when something is attained through cheating , betrayal and so forth , the likelihood of a sustainable relationship is well, unsustainable. You have good reason to feel guilty. i think you know that the manner in which you and this girl cheated on her bf leaves you in a panic, right? What if she does it to me. You see cheating belies more cheating. We always think well we would never cheat on each other, in spite of us cheating on the very people who trusted us. But in reality i believe that sometimes when we cheat we have a tendency to continue in this manner. Only time will tell whether she will cheat on you. You have a valid reason to doubt her, but know this. You both did wrong and you both betrayed others, so why are you only punishing her? You need to make peace with the demons you are facing. I would be very very concerned if she is not fazed by her spat of cheating. It means then that she has no conscious and that is warning bells for you. You are panicked and perhaps rightly so................the reason you do not trust her? well her ex trusted her didn't he, in fact he trusted you too, so he didn't expect this act of betrayal did he. some times our thoughts get the better of us, but sometimes that little nagging voice just doesn't want to shut up, it is like a little reminder of what to expect. sometimes that little voice is also called a conscious and when we know that we have done wrong and we have betrayed the very people close to us, this little voice will refuse to die down.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 October 2009):
The obvious answer to this question is just too cruel. I must admit I'm tempted.
Good relationships are built on trust. Your relationship started with the two of you collaborating to break her ex's heart. You probably have some residual personal guilt for that. Those deep seated emotions are causing you to do two things. First you are trying to shift the blame to her. Let's be clear here for 2 years you worked to build a relationship with a girl who was taken, the right thing would have been to wait. You need to accept your share of the guilt. Second you are sabotaging your new relationship. Yes your continued pestering of her over this is a subconscious attempt to give back something you don't think you deserve. Face the facts, breaking up with her will only make two more people miserable. You can not give back what the two of you have taken. You can only assuage your joint guilt by being more honest in the future. You need to put your whole heart into the new relationship. Yes your relationship is not stable. You need to do everything you can to make it stronger, instead of being jealous you need to be loving, instead of questioning her loyalty, give her more to be loyal to. Plenty of people will tell you that cheaters cheat again. It is too late for that advice, If you feel the relationship is weak the build it up. Stop looking for trouble and start looking for joy, you will find what you seek.
FA
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