A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:If I have bad habits, I want to know so that I don't screw things up next time. My ex and I started talking again. It was just supposed to be a catch up thing. But he ended up calling me almost every night. Before we knew it, we were expressing that we still had feelings. Now, however, we were in different states. But we both felt we really wanted to be with each other. We both see each other marrying the other and having kids. Always have since we met. Wanted to pursue that vision in the best way and slowly. So I started looking into moving back to his city. I had lived there for 4 years after all and kind of just need a job. My city is really really small. So i had nothing to lose in moving. We weren't official yet, but I was referring to him as my BF, and he was fine with that. Said he did not want anyone stealing his girl. We knew we liked each other but didn't want to move too fast. However, jobs I applied for started hitting me back way sooner than I expected. All of a sudden I had to be down to interview. He was going to let me stay at his place the few days i interviewed.It was our first time seeing each other in a long time. The first day was perfect. I got there and we watched TV for a bit on the couch. Then somehow we ended up in each other's arms and just held each other for over and hour. No kissing. Just holding. We did kiss later, and it was great. Then when we went to bed, he slept with me. We didn't have sex. Never have. We just slept together. But there was electricity flowing between us. We both held each other so tightly, but couldn't get close enough. We had missed each other a lot. And the feeling was as strong as when we were together. It was a precious feeling. The next day, however I could tell he was acting a little different. He wasn't touching me or holding my hand. Nothing. And when I kissed him, he was just...like meh. And he had moved all his stuff out to the couch to sleep. But he wasn't communicating what was up. So I asked him what was wrong before I went to bed. He sighed and said we needed to talk. I got scared. So he went with me into the bedroom and tried to hold me in his arms. He told me he felt we were moving too fast. That he didn't want me to move there for him. That we should just be friends and work from there. I told him I would only move if I got a job. That I didn't want us to move too fast either. But that I really liked him and want to be with him. That I didn't know what to do. He said he didn't know what to do either. So we just held each other. He was refusing to kiss me. Which bugged me. Because when we dated we kissed all the time. It expressed love for me. So I told him to kiss me...that it would be the last time. I only said that because he said we had needed to be friends. And friends don't kiss. So told him it was our last night to fool around. So we just kissed and kissed. But never finished the conversation about how we would handle us or where we stood as a couple. The next day he was distant. Didn't kiss or touch me. Pretty quiet. I tried to bring up the conversation about where we stood, but he said he needed to go to bed. The day after was my last day. And he was still kind of distant. I thought he lost interest and I really like him. So I brought up the conversation again...where we stood. But I assumed he wanted friends so I said "So, when I go back home we're just friends?"He was really quiet for a while. Seemed to be surprised at my statement. Then he said "yeah, I guess." I told him if he wanted to say or clear something up, to please do it then! But he didn't. Which frustrated me because I wanted to be with him. For him to say that! But then he kept saying he felt pressured. That we had never gotten back together and that if I go back home we can only be friends. And that if I move, we would move too fast. Which confused me. I feel he was getting upset because he did want to be with me. But since I introduced the idea of us as friends, he was hurt. The conversation escalated. To end this long story, it made us have a fight and we didn't talk. I am currently home and text him that we can be friends. Only said friends because I thought that's what he wanted! He said if I am back home that's all we can be. He responded and said no, he doesn't want to be friends. That he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, but that didn't seem to be good enough for me so he's done. I told him I didn't know he wanted a relationship with me. That I wanted to pursue one with him too. But I thought he only wanted to be friends. He said I should have listened and that he is done now. To never call, text, or visit him again. I feel confused. I really didn't understand he still wanted a relationship. He said if I moved to the same city it would be too fast but if I stayed in my hometown all we would be is friends. I needed clarity and when I asked he didn't give it! But i want to be with him and thought he wanted to be with me. But now he's banned me from contacting him. Is all this my fault?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 August 2013):
 I think you both moved way too quickly and when he tried to slow it down you got scared and tried to speed it up.
I don't see the point in keeping in touch with exes in most cases, especially when you live in different states.
Talking every night was way too much, way too soon. You quickly run out of things to talk about and fall back on the past, feelings or flirting. The faster it comes the faster it fades. Once a week would have been good enough. That way you both have plenty of space and more interesting things to talk about when you do connect.
You could have been learning about each other in a new way by going out on dates. The museum, a tour of the city, lunch at an interesting restaurant or some other DAY excursion would force you both to focus on other things besides romance and intimacy. A date during the day, no longer than 4 hours, and NOT at anyone's house or any other private place and absolutely NO holding, cuddling, kissing or anything of that sort.
When he said he wanted to slow it down, you should have agreed instead of constantly asking questions, seeking reassurances then telling him it was friends only (unless that was what you really wanted). Relationships require a huge investment and for some a huge loss of personal space and identity. You've got to pace yourselves.
Reconciling with an ex requires a lot of discipline. It's too easy to fall back into old patterns and rely on old agreements. Use the same restraint, caution and courtesy you would with someone you'd just met.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): You want to know the truth. Here it is. He is seeing someone else; and didn't really expect you to move back to the city he was living in.
He is conflicted and doesn't know how to tell you that he has moved on, and he doesn't want to look like a dick.
Guys aren't that indecisive my dear, it's a mind-game your ex is playing with you. Going back in forth is his strategy for making it look like it's all your fault.
He knows by confusing you, he can maintain the breakup and and send you home. You will never get an answer; because he wants to moves on. Upsetting you will force you to give up in frustration.
I wrote an article advising people about the mixed signals they receive from their exes.
They really want out, and they want you to move on.
They feel guilty when they see you haven't gotten to the same place they have. So they sometimes checkup on us to see how we're progressing. He felt some responsibility for seeing that you're okay; but couldn't admit to you that he has really moved on. I am quite certain he has found another girl.
Don't look for any closure. He has given you all the closure you're ever going to get from him. So, you make your own closure; and finish your process of healing and detaching from that dead relationship.
I am still in the process of recovery from a breakup. I am doing well. So I wrote three articles to give others hope and advice on what to expect, and how to get through it.
Please read them and let me know what you think.
Time to restart your healing. You'll get through it, my dear.
I'm quite certain of that.
He asked for no contact. Please honor his request. It will be to your benefit to do so.
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