A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I guess this is a question about dealing with my past and its potential consequences on a relationship. It is also about how much you need to tell about your sexual history. For just over a year now I have been going out with this girl and she is the one. That might sound naive but it's the way it is and the feelings are reciprocated. We've talked about marriage and the future and don't see ourselves with any other person. I generally count myself as an honest and loyal human being (you may think otherwise after this) but there are just 2 things I haven't told her about my past. To be honest, I wish I could have erased the time from when I was 18 to a year ago. I was young and naive and made stupid mistakes that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. The 1st thing is my first relationship. I was 18 and got romantically involved with an older man. I lost my virginity to him while drunk. I was a mess at the time. My dad had left home and I had no one left in my family who really understood me and I took it very badly. I was anorexic, had insomnia and suffered from extreme stress. I was also dealing with the realisation that I was also attracted to girls, something I didn't come to terms with until last year. I guess I needed some support from someone older. He became a friend but soon put pressure on me to change the nature of the relationship. I regret not being strong enough to say no. I don't know why I let myself fall and I blame myself for it still to this day. I have told my girlfriend I had a relationship with someone at this time but am too ashamed to tell her the details. Is this wrong of me? How do I deal with this regret that I am carrying around with me? My other fear is if somehow someone will find out. I have eradicated all memory of him from my life apart from the fact he still has my email and restricted access to my facebook. I haven't heard from him in 4 months but trying to ignore the messages before that was upsetting. I thought I'd never get rid of him. I was worried (and still am) that I would annoy him or make him angry and then he would spill all. Is this stupid?The one other thing I have kept from her is a 3 month relationship I had with a guy in canada. I don't know why I left him out when I first met her. I just didnt want to think bad of me because I'd only been with him for some companionship. Doesn't make sense does it? But I didn't think she needed to have every detail. That was until it got serious and now I worry.I want to be honest with her I do but I'm too ashamed of my past. These regrets are tearing me apart. How do I eradicate these shames? If I lost her, I seriously don't know what would happen to me. Please tell me what you think.
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anorexic, drunk, facebook, lost my virginity, older man, sexual past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): I don't know why your so worried, you havent cheated on her, we all do stuff in our lives we regret, especially when in a dark place and when young and foolish. Stop stressing.
Tell her, or it will be there in your head and coming between you. Maybe she also has some skeletons to reveal.
If you decide to keep it hidden you will have to live with the fact she may find out, and worse, you will be living in FEAR of her finding out.
Would you think badly of her if she confessed the same to you?
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I think this is going to be okay. Everyone has a past, everyone has a romantic/intimate past of sorts, and if you are in as loving a relationship as you say, if she's in it in the long haul as you say, if you two are looking at 60+ years together, then what is this 3 month canadian man fling? it's nothing. And like you say, you were taken advantage of, put in an unhealthy relationship where the older man wielded power over you and took advantage of your age and vulnerability. You were scared and you stayed, and even if you weren't, even if there were good times, your girlfriend can't fault you for this. I can't tell from your post if you're more scared because these are men and you dont' know how she'll react to your having been in the closet/in denial, or if you're most concerned about feeling like it's a secret that you've had a dating past to begin with that she doesn't know about. either way, you're ready to tell her now, she knew vaguely about it before but you trust her enough to tell her. It's not a big thing, I wouldn't think, because a lot of people are in denial with their sexuality early on in their lives, like you said you just really recognized it recently. just sit her down tell her you feel like you need to tell her about your past and you don't want it to ruin what you have but you feel like you owe it to her to tell her (which you totally don't by the way, the past is the past). Once you tell her you'll feel better, and that guy from your past will not be able to touch what you have. Don't be ashamed of your past. If she loves you this should be nothing.
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