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male
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anonymous
writes: I never thought one day I come here and write this, so please help me if you can:I married just 6 months ago, we knew each other for over a year before get married. The problem is she wants to be so dominant in everything, she is earning much more than me and she kind of feel power because of it, and that put me off. I thought marriage is a commitment from both side, I had a financial problem sometimes ago, and didn’t even ask her to help me, just point out the problem I was having, but despite knowing that I am suffering (and for sure she could help me easily), she totally ignored the issue, not even talked about it. It was like let him deal with it himself. I wasn’t really expecting anything from her at all, but at least was expecting her to raise it and talk about it, but she didn’t and that really killed something in me, I no longer feel this is the healthy marriage and my feeling has changed. I have to say I have done so much scarifies for her since I know her, and put so much energy and love into this relationship and that was the response and result from the girl who loves me. I am so in pain and heart broken and don’t know what to do, we are having lots of arguments lately, please help me and guide me of what I should be doing, I don’t feel I can ever change her and her attitude is so selfish. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (7 August 2006):
 Money and marriage......
If you don't/can't talk about money up front and honestly, then you're going to have a rocky road.
On the other hand if you can work it out, you're going to come out the other side a lot stronger.
But maybe I can help with a couple of insights...... based on my humble opinion.....
If your anxiety about her earning more cash than you has been self evident, then you may find that she was reluctant to 'make things worse' by offering to help you out of your financial situation. There's a general feeling isn't there that men should be the providers and have a bigger income and so on and that if the situation is reversed and it's the woman who does that, then the man feels uneasy about this. So perhaps you wife was thinking she was 'helping' in keeping her distance and not making you feel more unwasy about it - am I making sense?
But you know, the other poster said that as a couple it's now both your problems, and if you feel that you want her assistance, then you need to have a chat. Ask her to lend you the money - after all it's not like she can't trust you right? So if you can commit to paying her back a certain amount each week/month, you both retain your self respect and you get the problem resolved.
This thing about men being the main earners in a relationship is becoming old fashioned more and more - not that it's necessarily going to help you - but what will help is having an open and honest conversation about how you feel and how you can work through it together. I'm sure she'd appreicate it. She's probably wondering how to help you out without making things worse!
Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2006): I feel you are the one that has the problem with her having greater earnings. Except you adjust your orientation to this, things will not get better.If you read every misunderstandings or communication gap to her financial dominance of your wife then your marriage is in for a down fall.
I wouldnt blame her for not commenting on your financial dificulties because she might have already sensed that anything she says or do to help might be read wrongly by you.There is also the possibility that you might want to take advantage of her earnings.I have seen women whose husbands try to do that.
Finances is one of the main cause of failures in some marriages.Stop thinking about how much she earns more and show her how much you care.Goodluck
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A
female
reader, talking sense +, writes (7 August 2006):
I answer this from past experience. Marriage is not easy it is a commitment to another person that will only last if sacrifices can be made. I beleive you need to sit down and tell your wife how you are feeling. She is not a mind reader and wont know untill she is told. You need to tell her what your issues are and explain that you want to work through them as a pair to make your marriage stronger. You need to remember that you married you wife for the way she is. Its not her you want to change its the situation and the way you deal with problems as a pair you want to change. Your going through an adjustment period. You might be surprised at your wifes feeling once you have both sat down and opened up to each other. complete honesty is required in this situation. Your problems are her problems you are now a pair
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