A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am madly in love with this girl who has a had an abusive past and as a result can often be really sensitive and insecure. She often thinks that people dont care about her feelings, especially since in her past experiences, her thoughts and feelings were often ignored by those close to her. This often gets in the way of our relationship because she gets hurt by some of my actions. If she just knew how much I loved her then she would realize that my intention is to never hurt her. I feel like she doesnt get how much I love her or else she would never question or doubt me when she feels insecure. This scares me a lot because I love her so much and I am not sure if she is even capable of feeling all of it. When she gets upset with me, I feel like a failure, because I apparently havent communicated to her how much I do love her. Case in point, tonight's event. We had been chatting on the phone for the evening when I decided that I would also check my e-mail. I have ADD so I cant help but multi-task. She was talking to me sharing an observation about herself when I interrupted her to tell her about an upsetting e-mail I had received from my father. She expressed that she was annoyed that I cut her off but asked me to proceed. We talked about that and it lead to other conversations and I forgot to go back and ask her what she had to share. Then 30 minutes later I was tired so I got up and again checked my e-mail one last time before bed and interrupted the conversation to tell her about an e-mail I had received from my step-mother. This time she quipped, "why is it when i have something to say, it is not important?" She said that her feelings were a little hurt b/c she didnt feel like I heard her. I told her I had heard what she was talking about but that she was overtalking her point and at this point talked herself into a dew loop. I also got frustrated b/c again she was questioning my caring. I told her that this one issue was the thing that could come between us if she didnt get counselling for it. It isnt our issue. She said she knew that I loved her but that didnt mean that wasnt still hurtful. And this is where we have the communication breakdown. I heard her. I didnt need to respond to what she was saying. We bickered a bit about this and at this point I just got more and more angry. I told her that I had a lot going on and that she was going to ruin me if she didnt get a handle on this and that i wasnt going down with her. She was pleading with me to calm down. She was even more upset than originally and she was asking my reassurance. Again, she shouldnt need reassurance if she had a handle on the situation and just allowed herself to feel that I love her. The conversation resulted in my hanging up on her. What can I do to get her to see what is going on and why this so detrimental to the relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): Hi there, Me and my husband went through a stage where there was complete communication breakdown. We both went for couple counseling as there is two people in a realationship.we both had to work at it.I do think you where being a bit rude not listening to her story first and cutting in and it can be hurtful to the other person. My advice would be to get some counseling together as you have little faith that she will be able to feel love for you which is an issue you have. best of luck
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 It's very unpleasant to interrupt somebody as they are speaking, I am not sensitive, nor insecure due to my past, yet I wouldn't very much enjoy that either. If she is speaking, do her the favour of listening to her if you wish to be listened in return, and if you wish to base your relationship on respect. As for hanging up on her, if a conversation becomes too heated and unbearable, it's a good idea to postpone it for later, but say "Could we please talk later when we are more serene?" and only then leave - don't just hang up or leave slamming the door.She may be sensitive and insecure, in which case she needs a good reassurement and a patient boyfriend, hopefully once she sees consistent positive behaviour from her partner, she will at some point chalk it all up as enough and to spare and will start being more trusting. Talk to her about this, that you understand trust comes with time, do your best to be deserving of that trust and tell her you will be making an effort. If it seems too hard for her to trust anyone despite of the proofs and goodwill shown to her, she has not really been able to put her past experiences behind her and might need some help in neutralising the effects of it; a plan to overcome it, with a therapist maybe. I am not sure how YOU are helping her or better to say, if you can face the challenges of a relationship with a person with emotional baggage (read about it). However from what you tell here, I don't see issues from her past showing in this specific episode. Many people simply find it disrespectful to be interrupted, and feel their word isn't valued. Of course, if she literally jumps off her chair in anger about something like this it means she should work on her self esteem and learn to let some hurtful (maybe unintentional) things fly by and not touch her. I don't know why you seem to think it's totally unimportant either. I know someone who wasn't listened to as a child and even now is reticent about narrating anything and does it with difficulty. If you stick around be sure to be able to help and care for each other, and not come out as if you've just seen a tear-jerker movie, and what's tricky, one you've protagonised. I'm sure though that if you are more patient and informed you can make it. Best wishes.PS: I know someone who makes large preambles, sometimes I'd joke saying "How interesting but I can't wait to get to the core of the matter, you're keeping me on nettles with the suspense!" - you can't interrupt her every time you think she is redundant. By this I would also like to tell you that maybe you are not dating for long and have not become accustomed to each other's ways, the way you carry and express yourselves, etc. You also say "If she just knew how much I loved her then she would realize that my intention is to never hurt her." - but one can feel hurt even knowing the partner has no intention of hurting them, and I will give you the most common example: you forget a birthday. One may be a little hurt although she should know this isn't a big deal, and that it isn't wise to hang on to it forever. It's also good to encourage her to voice her worries, so you can work around those. If many of her complains are unfounded, she should pass them through a filter before bringing them up, because obviously a relationship can become overweighted by too many problems in the long run. But be willing to discuss the problems she does bring up.
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